


Hope Blooms in the Spring

by Rosesaregreen



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Post-Mockingjay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-04
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:01:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 55,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22109815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rosesaregreen/pseuds/Rosesaregreen
Summary: She wondered if this was what happiness felt like, just as she did her first day back in the woods, and once again brushed it aside. She didn’t want to overthink this moment but instead wanted to live in it.As her eyes fluttered closed, no fears of nightmares on her mind, she heard his voice.“You love me? Real or not real?” His voice was soft and even, so much so that she imagined his expression was far from his usual one of furrowed eyebrows and confusion. Maybe it was the closeness of sleep or ignorance of happiness that made her feel so safe in her response. Whatever was behind it, she could care less. He was hers and she was his. Like the constant promise of spring and fresh rain and rebirth, there was never any other option but this.“Real.”
Relationships: Katniss Everdeen/Peeta Mellark
Comments: 6
Kudos: 100





	1. The First Year

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all! 
> 
> This is something I wrote and never posted and thought, why not let others experience the joy this story has brought me?!
> 
> It's post-Mockingjay. Katniss and Peeta growing back together.

He came back on the first day of spring. Katniss couldn’t help the pang of fear sided with a tinge of excitement when she first saw him outside her living room window. She was biting into an apple that Sae forced into her hands, on her way to the kitchen for breakfast when she glanced outside. The apple fell from her hand as she stared at his wide frame hunched over on the ground in her bushes. His blonde curls were matted together with sweat, a look of determination furrowing his brows together. Peeta Mellark was in her bushes doing lord knows what. Hell, forget the bushes.

Peeta Mellark was back in District 12.

Katniss did not know what to feel: she was definitely afraid of the kid, her neck instantly feeling the tightness of his strong hands crushing the air from her lungs. But it was _him_ and she could never go without a feeling of content and…excitement when he was around. She felt the haze of desolation and nothingness lift slightly at the sight of him leaning back on his knees and wiping sweat from his forehead.

“You should go say hello to the boy.” The sound of Greasy Sae’s gruff yet gentle voice startled Katniss to the point of jumping from the window. “You’ve been staring at him for a good five minutes, child. He isn’t some stranger.” Katniss simply looked at Sae as if she had lost her mind. She had no idea what Peeta went through back in the Capitol, the hijacking and wiping of his beautiful memories. How they turned him into a killing machine; a monster. How they made him hate her. No, the Peeta she knew was gone. The boy outside her window _was_ a stranger. But, Katniss felt her head nod and her feet start for the door. The warm spring air washed over her skin as the sun pinched in her eyes. The air was fresh and new, unlike the staleness that radiated throughout her house. Katniss did not realize how much she had missed the freshness of the outdoors and the newness of life.

“You’re back.” Her voice came out weak and frail, just about right for the Katniss of today. His blue eyes are more piercing than ever, the life pumped back into them after months of therapy and hard work. She felt a heart flutter at the thought of how much healthier he looked then ran a hand through her mangled uneven mane at how insane she knew _she_ looked.

“Finally.” He said with a small smirk. “Dr. Aurelius didn’t think I was stable enough to be alone until a few days ago.”

“Why…why did you come back here?” She really was curious. The place they once called home was barely that these days. The district had gone up in flames shortly after the Quarter Quell had ended, balls of fire from the bombs destroying the only place they had ever felt safe. Besides all that, she was here, and he hated her.

“What do you mean _why_? Everything I have is here.” He looked at her again, his eyes piercing her soul and she suddenly felt uncomfortable, borderline unsafe.

“What are you planting?”

“Oh. I, uh, I found these in the woods. I thought it would be nice to plant them here. You know, for her.” Katniss inspected the bush again and instantly recognized the blooming flowers. Primrose.

Katniss ran back into the house and to her room, the door slamming behind her shaking her to her core. Even when hijacked by the Capitol, that boy’s inherent kindness was still so much a part of him. The pit in her soul deepened at the thought of Prim; sweet, pure, beautiful Prim. Katniss was too often reminded that her soul, her light and her reason to survive all those games and battles in a war were for that sweet tiny girl with the long blonde pigtails and hopeful smile. She was too often wondering why air still pumped through her lungs. She didn’t want to live anymore, but she had to. It would be a waste to not. Good ol’ Katniss Everdeen; always living as to not let other people down.

A few days later he was at her door, knocking this time. He had a fresh loaf of bread in his hands and an unsure look on his face.

“I hope you don’t mind that…that I brought this.” Peeta was shaking with nervousness and Katniss couldn’t help but smirk slightly. “You just look so…so thin and I thought that maybe you would like…you know…some bread?”

“Thank you, Peeta.” The familiar roll of his name off her lips made them tingle slightly. She had forgotten how much she enjoyed the syllables of his name matched with her voice. She had missed him. She stepped away from the door to give him room to enter the house. She noticed his nose scrunch slightly at the smell of the house. She quickly opened a few windows as he sat the bread on the table.

“How have you been?” She asked him keeping the distance between them. She was still unsure of how much she could trust the boy she once knew. Who knows how long it will be before the unwarranted feeling of his hands on her throat would vanish at the sight of him.

“Alright, I guess. Substantially better than the last time you saw me. It was…it was good, working with Dr. Aurelius. He really helped me a lot, Katniss. He wants you to call him, you know. He can’t help you if you don’t answer the phone.” She rolled her eyes but deep down knew Peeta was right. She just couldn’t allow herself to let the Capitol offer her anything, even if it could possibly make her a more functioning human being. Or something like that.

“Maybe I’ll call him tomorrow.” He narrowed his eyes at her and she was surprised at the familiarity of the gaze. Peeta would always narrow his eyes at her when he suspected her of lying to him. Her mouth fell open slightly and she took a few steps toward him. This couldn’t be happening. Peeta couldn’t…there was no way _her_ Peeta could be coming back to life, not after all that has happened.

“I can…I can be with you when you call. If you want.” Katniss was still staring at him, still in awe at the small revelation. They both knew that she couldn’t do this alone. She nodded.

“What kind of bread did you make?” She walked around the table and took the loaf in her hands pressing it to her nose slightly and taking in the scent. It smelled of cinnamon.

“Cinnamon raisin.” She walked to the kitchen to grab a knife to slice the bread, her foreign desire for food coming back slightly. Peeta always baked the best bread and the warm comforting smell the loaf, and possibly even him, brought to the house was undeniable. He watched her intently as she sliced two thick pieces for the two of them. They ate quietly, the sounds of their full mouths dancing with the singing of the birds from outside the open windows. Katniss could not help but notice how calm she felt. She hadn’t felt this at ease since…well, she couldn’t remember when.

“Have you been out to woods recently?” Her shoulders tensed and a tightness ran across her temples. Well, it was nice while it lasted.

“Um...n—no.”

“You should. The leaves on the trees are just starting to come back and the flowers are blooming. The game is probably more plentiful now that spring is here.” His brow furrows are he squints his eyes at her as if he’s trying to remember something and she shifts under his intense gaze. “You like to hunt…real or not real?” Ah, real or not real: the game they played while Peeta had joined their unit during the war. He had a hard time deciphering what memories the Capitol generated and what memories were actually real.

She nodded. “Real.”

“Um…well, I could bring you another loaf later at dinnertime…if you want.” His eyes were focused on his shoes and she allowed herself a wider smile this time since he could not see her.

“That…that would be nice, Peeta.” Katniss added his name at the end to remind herself that he was really here and he really was better. And that little reminder was enough to make her think that maybe someday she could be, too.

* * *

Peeta spends most of his days at her house now, their time better spent ruined together than completely shattered apart. Peeta will come to her door each morning, fresh loaf in one hand and the pieces of his broken persona leaving a trail behind him to litter with hers. Most days are quiet: Peeta painting or baking, Katniss either staring at the free world from the windows or at his steady hands. They work on the book together, reminding themselves why they must push through the heartache and survive. The smiles mixed with the tearful memories mend them in more than one way. She can’t bring herself to go into the woods quite yet, the reality of the freedom it will bring her still scaring her slightly. But she has Peeta to egg her on, to make her feel braver than she truly is. He doesn’t realize that her nightmares were born there, that in that wide expanse of land that once brought her so much comfort and safety lies the faces of all those she let slip away.

“Katniss.” The way he says her name, so soft and wonderful, makes her feel emotions she didn’t think could exist within her anymore along with some very unfamiliar ones.

“Hmm?” She was washing the dishes from breakfast and she could feel his intense eyes on her.

“I want you to go into the woods today.” Katniss felt the plate slip from her fingers and into the soap-filled sink at the command.

“What?” She didn’t want to face him, knowing his eyes would get her. They always had a way of exemplifying what his silky words wanted.

“I think you are ready. Honestly! I just…I think getting out of the house could be good.” She swallowed hard and searched her frayed mind for an accurate response.

“I think you are wrong.” Her voice was weak, per usual. Sometimes faint moments of attitude and strength would seep into her words. But only sometimes.

“I think you’re underestimating yourself. You don’t even have to hunt. Just… _go_.” She finally turned, a feeling of uncertainty swimming inside her. Did he want to get rid of her that badly? Was her company that appalling that it was stunting his ability to get better? She thought they were getting better _together_ , the smiles that made it onto her lips were actually genuine now and his eyes were becoming less and less cloudy. His questioning of what was real and not real lessoning. As if he could sense her reprehension he shook his head.

“I’m not trying to get rid of you.”

“Seems like it.”

“There is nothing I enjoy more than time with you, Katniss. But, I know that you need your woods. You need the fresh air and the wind in your braid. You need the quiet crunch of leaves under your boots and the feel of a tree on your back. I know that you’re scared of what memories will haunt you out there, but you know better than anyone that you have to face the nightmares before you can start to cast them away.” His arms found their way around his shoulders squeezing slightly. It was as if he was reminding himself just as much as he was reminding her. As usual, he was right. She could see it in his eyes, the cloudiness returning at the sight of her. She could see his mind fighting, trying to decipher if she was a mutt or the girl he once loved. But he always came back and that is only because he decided to face the source of his terrors rather than run from them.

“Alright.”

“Alright?”

“Yes. I’ll go.” She wanted him to wrap his arms around her and hold her close like he used to do when she was frightened. Neither of them was ready for that.

“I’m glad.” He smiled slightly and she couldn’t help but reciprocate. She rummaged through her room for her old hunting gear, the sight of her father’s old hunting jacket giving her a slight giddiness. Maybe she was ready for this. She slipped on her cargo pants and a green shirt then the jacket, grabbed her shoes and bounded back down the steps. Peeta watched as she laced up her boots, no words needing to be said.

“Be safe.” He whispered as he walked her to the door. He followed her outside.

“You know…you can stay here while I’m gone. I don’t mind.” He shrugged his shoulders, which have grown broader over the last few weeks. The boy with the bread was quickly becoming a man.

“It’s alright. I haven’t been at my place much these days. I should go clean up a little. Maybe go visit Haymitch and make sure he has enough booze to last him until the next train.” She frowned slightly.

“Be back for dinner?”

“Of course.” They went their separate ways and as the distance between them grew, the tightness of anxiety entered her chest. She turned back to see his form walking away and all she wanted to do was to run back to him. They haven’t been this far apart since he came back to twelve, and the feelings of loss and everything she ever cared about being snatched away overwhelmed her.

“Peeta!” She screamed. He stopped walking and faced her. The same look of despair was on his face, but he managed a smile.

“You’ll be fine!” He yelled back and continued towards his house. If he believed in her, she had no reason to disobey.

Katniss took reluctant steps towards town, the soft earth lessoning the feeling of stress she couldn’t seem to shake. The spring air was on the cusp of summer, the heat dampening slightly with the increased moisture in the air. Katniss was stunned by how much the demolished town had grown since people had begun to trickle back in. She had been too preoccupied with her own demons to venture into town much, and she was sad about it. A few shops had sprouted up in the square, a full-fledged market now rested where the ashes of the old Hob once lay. Greasy Sae and Thom were conversing when they saw her walking around aimlessly. They greeted her with wide smiles and approval.

“Good to see you back on your feet, Ms. Everdeen.” Thom said to her as she walked by. Katniss nodded slightly then continued out the square and on the familiar path to the gate. She watched the gate suspiciously for a few moments, unsure what to do. The electricity was off for good, but there was a new door that rested over her old crawling space. Part of her craved to dig a new hole simply for the familiarity of it, but that was useless energy to be wasted. She slid the door and entered her former safe haven. Her feet followed her old path, her mind immediately at ease. It seemed like seconds had passed when she was at the old log where her father’s bow and arrows were stashed. She sat on the log and took a deep breath of the fresh forest air. It was as if Katniss was waiting for someone to meet her, someone with quiet steps that always seemed to sneak up on her.

Gale.

But she knew better. She knew he was not coming today, or ever for that matter. That tall boy with the dark hair and identical grey Seam eyes; the boy whom she called her best friend and her safe haven was lost to her. It wasn’t even so much that he could have played a heavy hand in the plan that took her sweet sisters life; it was more than that. It was the fact that he was everything she was. He was gasoline to fuel her fire, the wind that stretched her path of terror farther than it ever needed to go. Too many things have happened in the course of their friendship for things to remain the same. Katniss was slowly realizing that trying to survive on the heat of hate and broken emotions was not healthy. It was more destructive than anything.

As the fresh free air of her woods pumped through her lungs, Katniss wondered how she ever thought she wasn’t ready for this moment. If anything, she was straining herself by not coming sooner. It was evident that her body was no longer accustomed to the physicality of traveling the forest (her breathing growing rapid as she pulled herself into a tree) but it just made her more eager to spend more time getting back to how things used to be. Her woods seemed to stretch for miles and it was the only uncertain thing that made her feel at ease. She loved the idea of getting lost forever in the trees and grass. The image of Peeta sitting next to her in the tree, his body shaking from fear of falling brought a wide smile to her lips. He would like it out here if he could just get over his fears and appreciate the beauty. Her smile left her quickly at the sudden loneliness overtaking her. She wanted not only Peeta, but her sister and Gale and Finnick and ever her mother. Being surrounded by all this serenity and beauty was beginning to tear at her. Her heart was pounding inside her chest and threatening to escape. Her hands pressed to her ears to squeeze the inevitable sounds of their agonizing screams and her teeth were pressed so tightly together that she could feel the enamel wearing away. But the screams never came and eventually, her heart rate slowed. It was all in her mind, a terror that she felt was necessary to create. Her woods were too perfect it seemed; too perfect for someone as broken and fucked up like her. She was undeserving of its wonder, always had been.

Katniss shimmied from the tree she was in and began to walk back to town. She felt a lightness on her heart at her discovery: regardless of what she felt she did or did not deserve, it was still hers. This was her forest and it will always belong to her. It will always bring her peace even when she feels she cannot handle it. She did not deserve the love of those the Capitol took from her, but she could not change the fact that she had their love. Their love changed her, made her strong and brave and she was grateful for that. She passed a bush of fresh Primrose at the height of its bloom and she picked a stem from its home. She hummed lightly as she weaved the flower into her messy braid. The sun was beginning to leave the sky when she walked past the arch to the Victors Village. The lights were on in her house and she knew Peeta was inside making something for them to share for dinner. When she walked through the door he was sitting on the couch, his hair visibly messy from his hands running through them nervously. She could smell a vegetable stew going in the kitchen and her mouth began to water at her forgotten hunger. Peeta stood up and studied her, unsure how to decipher the girl in front of him. Was she broken or slightly renewed? He was worried about her, had been all day, and that made an unfamiliar flutter in the pit of her stomach surface. Without thinking, she walked to him and wrapped her arms around his waist. He stood stunned, arms plastered to his sides and muscles rigid.

“Thank you, Peeta.” She whispered into his shoulder. His muscles instantly relaxed and his arms rose to envelop her in such a familiar and desired warmth that she felt herself shudder. One of his hands found the Primrose in her hair and played with the petals gently. 

“I missed you today.”

“I missed you, too.” Katniss wasn’t one for words, but she was anxious to tell him about her experience in the woods. She might even tell him that he was right. Maybe.

* * *

The first time it happens in front of her, she was paralyzed with fear. It was an unseasonably hot day for the first few days of summer. No matter how many windows they opened or fans they turned on, the heat still hung on the walls. Their shirts had no choice but to hang to their sweat-covered skin. The heat didn’t bother Katniss much; she enjoyed it in comparison to the bitter cold. The heat made her want to be productive in comparison to the depression inducing cold. Peeta, on the other hand, hated it. He was constantly pulling at his shirt and running to his house to change only to soil his fresh shirt the moment he reentered her house. He sat in front of the fan in the living room, eyes closed and brow tight from frustration. He couldn’t bring himself to bake or even lift his paintbrush to the canvas. It was _that_ hot.

Katniss didn’t think anything of it when she left the house to hunt that day, though. She simply squeezed his shoulder on her way out into the scorching heat, her sweaty feet screaming at the soles of her leather boots. She took it easy that day, taking her time walking through the square to buy a few oranges and bottles of water. She felt oddly friendly today at the prospect of summer. She managed to hold a few conversations with the people in town even patted the heads of the few kids running around jumping into the new fountain at the center of the square. Her woods were quiet today, the soft breeze rustling through the trees. This was heatstroke weather, so she set up a few snares and nestled into a tree. The Mockingjay's were flying from tree to tree above her and she whistled a few notes for them to mimic while she peeled her oranges. She wondered if this calmness running inside her could be what some would call happiness. But she didn’t dwell on that idea too much. The sweet voices of the Mockingjay's lulled her to sleep and when her eyes flew open, the sun was making a it’s quick descent from the sky. She jumped from the tree quickly and grabbed two rabbits and two squirrels from her snares and ran back to town, the darkness and remarkably cooler air at her heels. She knew Peeta would be worried and lo and behold there he was on the back patio staring at the road, hair mangled from his nervous habit of running his hands through it.

“Katniss! Thank god! I was so worried!” He panted to her as she jumped the fence to go in through the back.

“Nothing to be worried about.” She mumbled to him. She didn’t want to tell him that she had been carless and fell asleep. That for the first time in months she seemed to be happy to be alive enjoying the little things life could bring and allowed herself to get carelessly carried away. She no longer felt like talking.

“Katniss it was a good 100 degrees out there this afternoon! I thought…well, I don’t know what I thought. Haymitch told me I was out of my mind but…he just…he doesn’t understand how _dangerous—“_

“Peeta.” She turned to face him and smiled lightly at his overbearingness. “I’m _here_. I am all right! And I managed to snare two rabbits along with your favorite squirrels, so I’d say this adventure wasn’t in vain.” She walked inside with Peeta not far behind.

“It got so late…”

“I know and I apologize for that. I lost track of the sun. It was just such a nice day, ya know? I didn’t want to miss it.” His face softened at this and that sweet crooked smile skated across his lips.

“I’m sorry. I’m ruining this for you, aren’t I? You had such a good day and here I go taking it away from you.”

“Nonsense. Now, do me a favor and grab my skinning knife from the drawer?” Katniss slammed her game bag on the table, a habit Peeta couldn’t stand but learned to deal with. She loved seeing his skittish jump at the sound of future dinner slamming on the wooden table. Katniss began to talk aimlessly as he went into the kitchen for her knife. Maybe she really was in the mood for talking after all.

“The sun was just so _beautiful_ today, Peeta! I can’t remember the last time I could look at the sky and appreciate how beautiful it is. How beautiful _twelve_ is. Even after everything it’s been through, it really is thriving. The summer is showing it so much. Oh and I talked to Delly in town today. She said she would be more than happy to cut your hair because we both agree that it’s getting a little out of control. Peeta?” Her catches of the day were laid and organized on the table but the knife wasn’t in her hands. Katniss looked up and that was when she saw him. She must have been so consumed in unpacking her bag and speaking that she missed the sound of the silverware drawer crashing to the ground, forks, knives and spoons splattered across the floor. Peeta was hunched over the counter; his hands grasping onto the countertop so hard his knuckles were white as snow, the blood completely drained. His eyes were squeezed so tightly that his entire face was covered in stressful wrinkles; his jaw clenched so much she thought the bone would burst through his skin. His muscles were rigid and he was heaving as if the air couldn’t seem to get to his lungs fast enough.

“P-P-Peeta?” She repeated his name, the sound coming out of her in a squeak. Katniss had never seen one of his episodes and had no idea what to do. She was…she was _afraid_ of him. A loud grunt came from his lips as his hands balled into fist and began to pound on the counter. Katniss was frozen in her seat, her mind creating the image of him stomping towards her and wrapping his hands around her throat, finishing the job this time. She watched in horror as he crumbled to the floor, his hands pulling at his hair violently as screams of terror escaped him.

“Make it stop! Make it stop! Go away! You aren’t real!” He screamed to the hallucinations haunting him as he began to sob. He was so weak and helpless and all Katniss could do was watch. It felt like hours went by until his breathing finally slowed to a somewhat normal rate. His muscles began to slack and his hands slowly untangled themselves from his head taking a few clumps of hair with them. Sobs were still running through him, but they were slowing to a stop. He sat up against the cabinet behind him and took his head in his hands. His bright sapphire eyes were dark with fear. His iris’s basically vanished when he met Katniss’s face. It was as if he didn’t realize she was here, that she had seen it all. He looked around as if he had no idea where he was.

“W-where am I? Katniss? How are you…Did I? Oh god, no…”

“Peeta w-wh—“Before she could say anything more he was on his feet and out the house. Katniss sat there, mouth agape and eyes wide, unsure how to process what she just witnessed. He rarely spoke about them, foolish of her to think his time in the Capitol had cured them. He just seemed so…so normal since he got back. He never allowed the attention to draw on him for too long, simply brushing his struggles off with, “I’m handling it. The therapy helped. I have a method. I’m completely fine. How are _you_ , Katniss?” Typical Peeta always worrying about everyone but himself. It was the one sick attribute they had in common the only difference being that Katniss was selfish and he wasn’t. She never thought twice about if he was really doing all right, always eager to turn the conversation on her needs. It was always about _her_ nightmares and how _she_ couldn’t seem to sleep and how _she_ was so lonely without her family.

Peeta was lonely, too. He lost his entire family and life, too. He was just as broken as she, if not more. And what does she do after all the kindness and gentle words and warm embraces he has given her? She just sat there and _watched_ like it was some weird television show that she couldn’t seem to turn off. The 77th Annual Hunger Games featuring lonely hi-jacked Peeta Mellark and the demons the Capitol placed inside him. Katniss had never hated herself more than at this moment.

Katniss went into the kitchen and cleaned up the mess, leaving the skinning knife out so she could take care of the animals festering on her kitchen table. She skinned and gutted the game quickly, salting and freezing the two rabbits and one squirrel, leaving one out for dinner. She chopped up some carrots, broccoli, and onions along with the squirrel and tossed them into a pot to stew. She waited for the stew to finish, placed atop on the pot and carried it with her out the door. She didn’t know if she should knock on his door, giving him the option to lock her out. She noticed it was slightly ajar, so she kicked it open with her foot and walked inside. An audible gasp left her as she took in the home. Peeta’s house was always warmer and homey-er than hers and Haymitch’s. The simple fact that it was Peeta that was living in the space made it seem more like a _home_ that just a few painted walls and furniture. But this house was a starkly different story. The furniture was tossed this way and that, pillows torn open with feathers littering the floor. Picture frames and books were tossed everywhere and the wallpaper had visible claw markings.

She made her way to the kitchen where Peeta was on his hands and knees sweeping up what looked to be broken glass. Another episode occurred before she got here which made her heart sink deeper into her chest. She placed the stew on the stovetop and bent down next to him. He refused to meet her eyes as she looked at him.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” She said softly, a little more confidence was brought back to her after her obvious weakness before. He simply continued sweeping.

“It wasn’t your concern.” The heat of anger swept over her cheeks and down her spine at those words. How dare he? This was completely her business. She shook her head at her anger towards him. It was selfish of her to turn this around and once again make his pain about her.

“ _What_? Peeta, how could you say that? How could you continuously take on all my baggage and not let me take on yours?”

“Because you were getting better and I already had my chance to get better. All of this—“ He motioned to the destruction of his home “You don’t need any of this to keep you from getting better.”

“Oh, Peeta—“

“Don’t! Don’t do that!” He slammed the dustpan on the ground and finally faced her. His face was white as a ghost from the back-to-back episodes. His eyes were tired and lifeless. “I had my chance to get better. I thought I _was_ better. And seeing how my being around made you better, I thought I could be better, too. And in a way, I am. But the fact of the matter is, there is no hope for me. The Capitol took me and they ruined me. They destroyed me and there isn’t enough therapy in the world to change that. My condition is permanent. But _you?_ Katniss, you can appreciate everything we fought for. You have a chance for a normal life. You can have everything you want. Me? There is no hope for me.”

Tears slipped from her eyes at these revelations coming from her dandelion. How could he not understand how important he was? How could the Boy with the Bread not realize that he _is_ hope? And how could she not have realized how deep the Capitol’s damage had cut?

“Peeta _you_ are the reason I am doing better. How gentle you are with me even when I don’t deserve it, how sweet and loving you are. How _good_ you are. You remind me that there are still good things in this fucked up world. If you had never planted those flowers outside my house that day, I would still be locked in room, wasting away, filthy and unwilling to live.

“Ever since that night when you threw me that bread and when I saw you in the schoolyard and noticed the first dandelions of the spring sprouting at your feet, I knew. _You_ are hope, Peeta Mellark. Without you there is no hope, there is no me, there is no future. There _is_ a chance for you. So what if the Capitol says you can never get better, can never get back to that beautiful sweet boy with the crooked smile that could persuade anyone of anything? That boy is already back and he is here, with me, Katniss Everdeen. And she cares about him so, so much, regardless of his damage. She can help him but only if he lets her. And _that_ , is real.”

The blue of his iris’s returned and his face softened as the tears poured down his face. Katniss took the shivering boy in her arms and rubbed circles into his back. She noticed the patches in his head from where he pulled his hair and silently realized why he so strongly refused a haircut. Slowly, they got up from the floor. Katniss fed them both, one spoonful to him the next to her and so on, until the pot of stew was empty. He watched half-heartedly as she swept up the remaining shattered dishes. The rest of the house could wait for another day. She led him up the stairs and ran a shower for him. When he walked out the bathroom with just a towel wrapped around his waist, Katniss blushed slightly then ran into the bathroom to wash off the day. A pair of his boxers and one of his t-shirts was sitting on the toilet seat when she stepped out. Peeta was sitting up in the bed when she walked out the steamy bathroom, a lost look still on his face. Without a second thought, Katniss crawled into bed beside him and pressed a hand to his blazing cheek. He slid down next to her and she wrapped her arms around his wide waist.

“Promise me you won’t ever leave.” She heard him say in the middle of the night when she was nearly lost to sleep. The only response she could manage was the one he once whispered to her while she was under a syrup-induced haze.

“Always.”

* * *

It was as if her muscles became hundred-pound weights overnight. Her lungs felt like fire as the toxic air slipped inside them. Her head made her believe the world was under a hazy fog, her thoughts dark and heartbreaking. Katniss was having one of _those_ days: the special days that would come and paralyze her physically and emotionally. Getting out of bed was never an option, only when threatened with the very possible threat of soiling herself would she manage to fall to the floor and crawl to the bathroom. She hated these days because there was nothing she, or Peeta for that matter, could do to make them better. There was no way to predict them like one of Peeta’s episode or her assured night terrors. She would awake with an incomprehensible feeling of loneliness and despair in her chest, her muscles heavy and mind lost. Twenty-four hours of absolute horror and she had no control over it.

“Katniss?” His breath was hot near her ear, but she could feel his presence and that was already making this day slightly less horrific than the others like it. She could not deny that taking on the added duty of nurturing his damage along with her own had sent her backward slightly. Her nightmares were returning at a more frequent rate, the tales of his episodes slipping into her subconscious. As much as she tried to hide it for him, she knew he knew. It was in the way he would look at her from across the room with subtle resentment in his eyes or in the way he would squeeze her so tightly in bed at night and whisper “I am so sorry” when he thought she had drifted to sleep after a terror. This was the first time in the months she and Peeta had grown closer and he was unsure what to do. He tried coaxing her downstairs with the prospect of pancakes and hot fresh maple syrup. Katniss didn’t even blink.

“Katniss…I…I don’t know what to do. _Help_ me help you.” She wanted to help him, God did she want to make him stop worrying about her! But her voice was trapped deep inside her bottomless soul along with her sister, and Finnick and Boggs… His warm thumb wiped the tear that slipped from her eyes.

“Alright…I’m going to take some of the leftover turkey to Haymitch but I will be _right_ back, okay?” He waited for a moment, hoping for a response, and then the pressure of his body was gone from the bed. Katniss curled her legs closer to her chest and watched the green wall in front of her. The same questions kept playing in her head on a loop.

Why was she breathing and not her sister?

Why did Peeta and the entire country think she was worth saving?

Why was everything she ever loved snatched from her?

 _Why_?

As the shadow of the sun moved across the wall as the day went on, the questions were asked and no answer was ever found. The eyes of her sweet sister, of the flirtatious Finnick, gentle Rue, and all those who died so she could take up space, rested on the wall. Katniss assumed it was early evening when the sound of feet returned downstairs. Peeta had been gone for longer than a few minutes and she had just now realized. The glare of the sun no longer danced along her wall of memories, instead, the darkness festering inside her escaping to envelop the room. The sound of heavy footsteps grew closer until he was standing before her, frazzled worry ridden along his face.

“Katniss you have to get up. This isn’t healthy…” Unable to bear the helplessness on the face of the boy she did not deserve, she turned her back to him and pulled the covers over her head. “This is all my fault.” Katniss desperately needed to tell him this had nothing to do with him, that this was an effect of the Capitol as was everything fucked up in their lives. He was the only thing anchoring her to the real world that reminded her that this feeling was temporary. Before he came back to twelve, every day was spent like this, arms wide open for the cold hands of death. But Katniss had Peeta now, and he was her best friend, her hope, her future, her heart… But she was no good with words, especially not on days like this where words were as foreign to her as to a newborn.

Peeta went back downstairs mumbling about making dinner; she wished she had the ability to ask him to stay. Even if she couldn’t be there for him today, his presence made her…made her feel _something_. The sound of pots crashing startled her slightly. The sounds of crashing and frightened grunts filled the house and she knew he was having an episode. If she were normal, Katniss would be panicking and rushing to help Peeta, but she _wasn’t_. Today was a selfish day where she could only wallow in her own pain. But he needed her now and she knew that even through her haze of agony, and that had to mean something. Right?

“P-P-P-Pee-t-a?” The low squeak left her almost inaudibly, but the sound gave her the confidence to try again. “Peeta!” This time was nearly a scream, but she knew he was no longer in reality. He needed her arms around his shoulders and her voice in his ears reminding him where he belonged. Katniss grunted as she attempted to push her body to a sitting position, which took a few tries. When she was up, she swung her heavy legs over the bed and felt the cool wood at her toes. Her steps were slow and labored, but she was _moving_ and gaining strength with each step. His heavy breathing and screams for help were getting closer as she managed the final step. The kitchen was littered with pots and silverware making a path to where Peeta was curled in a ball underneath the dining room table.

Katniss approached slowly on her hands and knees crawling to meet him under the table. She pressed her hand to his back softly and he slid away slightly.

“Peeta it’s just me. It’s Katniss. Whatever you are seeing, it isn’t real.” He remained trembling with his eyes locked shut. His hands rose to cover his ears. Desperate, Katniss crawled to the other side of the table and gently pulled his head into her lap. She ran her hands through his curls softly, a gesture that always seemed to calm both of them, and sang the words that first made him notice her all those years ago:

_Down in the valley, the valley so low_

_Hang your head over hear the wind blow_

_Hear the wind blow, dear, hear the wind blow_

_Hang your head over, hear the wind blow_

She slowly pried his hands from his ears and leaned next to his face. His teeth were chattering as if he were cold. She continued:

_Roses love sunshine, violets love dew_

_Angels in heaven know that I love you_

_Know I love you, dear know I love you_

_Angels in heaven know that I love you_

His eyes opened slowly, his cerulean iris’s meeting her grey. He parted his lips as if to speak by Katniss shushed him and carried on:

_If you don’t love me, love whom you please_

_Throw your arms round me give my heart ease_

_Give my heart ease, dear, give my heart ease_

“Katniss.” His voice stopped her and she watched carefully as his muscles fully relaxed beneath her. “You still remember. After all these years…”

“I’m surprised _you_ still remember.” She said with a hint of playfulness in her voice that he picked up on. His small smile warmed her heart but quickly went away in turn for his concentrated look of confusion.

“You sang the Valley Song on the first day of school and wore your hair in two braids instead of one. Real or not real?”

“Real.” His brows remained furrowed in concentration, Katniss unsure of what question he would ask he next.

“That was the day I fell in love with you?” Katniss swallowed, unsure of how to respond. The way he asked her let her know he already knew the reality of the answer, but he wanted to hear her—needed to hear her say it.

“That’s what you told me, once. You told me the moment you heard me sing all the birds all stopped to listen and you were a goner.” Katniss smiled at the memory in the cave when he poured his heart out to her. Back then, she thought it was all just a game, and it was to a certain extent. But now the old Capitol was gone and they were rebuilding their lives. She did her best to suppress the warmth that filled her when he smiled at her in _that_ special way, or when his fingertips would graze her arms gently sending fire up and down her veins, or how when he would hold her to his chest in an embrace, all she wants is to press her lips to the soft flesh of his chest, his neck, his jawline, his lips… Why did she fight the feelings so completely, though? Peeta was forced to hate her and yet somehow, someway, he found the love they stole from him all over again. He grounded her and supported her, loved her when she couldn’t find the ability to love herself. Her mind shifted back to earlier in the day when the thought of moving seemed impossible. The thoughts of those she had lost consuming her, the notion that she would lose what little she still had drowning her… As much as she wanted Peeta in that way, she would never be able to let those demons pass through her. She didn’t know _how._

“You blamed yourself, didn’t you? That’s why you had an episode?” He nodded.

“I couldn’t reach you, no matter what I did. You were so distant and I even asked Haymitch for advice and he was just a pain in the ass, which frustrated me even more. He told me that sometimes there is nothing that can be done and I just refuse to believe that because look at how far we both have come when we were told there was nothing to be done!”

“Peeta, this has nothing to do with you. You brought me out of this! Before you came back, I spent every day the way I was today. Never blame yourself for when I relapse, alright?”

“But—“

“We are both getting better. That is what matters.”

* * *

It was getting harder for Katniss to ignore her feelings. They were in the pinnacle of summer, the heat scorching and unrelenting. Peeta walked around the house shirtless these days, the idea of wearing useless clothing in this heat an unsaid joke. It was difficult for her to ignore the way his muscles shifted when he walked around or stretched to reach the flour on the top shelf. His shoulders had broadened multitudes making his frame wide and inviting. The small remnants of his youthful baby fat faded away leaving his face sculpted and sharp. The boy with the bread was now a man and Katniss was wrestling with the more womanly thoughts this change was planted inside her. Her mind often replayed the hunger she felt for him during that first real kiss in the cave and the one on the beach during the Hunger Games. The feeling was unexpected but not unwelcomed, and she found that hunger lived in her permanently these days. Katniss was not one to live in her wants and desires instead in the more practical realm of her needs. But her desire for him in a more physical way was on the edge of blinding her. She found herself staring at him all the time, blushing and turning away quickly when he would catch her eyes checking him out. He never approached her about it, simply smiling to himself and going back to whatever he was doing. Part of her wondered if he was dealing with the same blinding libido, wondered if the Capitol left him with the ability to feel in that way.

It happened one night when he had drifted into a somewhat peaceful sleep. Katniss was wide-awake, her thoughts distracting her though her body was screaming for rest. Peeta’s arms were wrapped around her waist and his warm breath was falling on her shoulder. Their legs were intertwined like grapevines and she found herself concentrating on the way the hair on his legs tickled her own. The strange warmth she felt from deep below scaring her and her lack of knowledge on how to handle it. She had awoken many a night screaming from terrors of losing him. He would always ask her to tell him about the nightmares, but the ones about him were too hard to explain. How could she tell him that as of late, her nightmares were about losing him? About how her kiss was all it would take to save him from the claws of the Capitol, but he was always too far away or her own demons were holding her back from giving him what he needed? 

Something poked her thigh lightly and she turned her eyes to see if he had awoken. His eyes were still shut lightly in a peaceful sleep and as she turned to investigate what was going on a loud gasp escaped her. The way his boxer shorts were raised at the center of his thighs gave her all the evidence she needed. Was it her doing this to him? Was he dreaming about another girl? Probably someone prettier and sweeter than she. Has this happened before and she was just too oblivious to notice? He stirred slightly and her body froze. Would he be embarrassed if he knew that she knew? He turned onto his back and sighed, a name slipping from his lips. She could have sworn it was her own. Katniss would have brushed it off as her own stupid fantasies but when she heard “Oh, _Katniss_ ” at a much louder volume, she knew it was real. He was dreaming about her, doing god knows what and…and…oh God, she was blushing. The mere thought of her doing something that could make him react _that_ way was enough to make her uncomfortable. The worst part was that she wanted to be able to make him feel that way outside of his dreams.

Quietly, she placed her arms on both sides of him so that she was hovering above him. His face was so calm, a slight smile resting on his full and so kissable lips. He seemed so deep into his dream that she could get away with giving into her desire just this _once_. Hell, he might even think it is his dream. Katniss rested her body on his, keeping most of the pressure on her arms as to not overwhelm him, then pressed her lips to his. The feeling of his lips was so familiar, so missed, and she couldn’t help but sigh with relief. They were slightly chapped but she didn’t mind. One of her hands found his messy hair and combed through it gently. She was so immersed in the splendor of the moment that she failed to notice the feel of hands on her hips anchoring her to him. The feeling of his lips moving against hers dragged her deeper into ecstasy. Wait…his lips were _moving_ … She pulled away and was met with the confused blue-eyed gaze of the boy with the bread. Her cheeks were hot with embarrassment or desire; it all seemed to go hand in hand at this point. She couldn’t decide if she was embarrassed because he caught her in a moment of weakness or simply because she was no good at this sort of thing.

One of his hands squeezed her hip gently and he smiled at her. She had no reason to be embarrassed or nervous because it was just him. It was just Peeta. He loved her; always has and always will. She leaned back on her knees so that he could sit up. She rested her hands on his chest and shook her head.

“Peeta I’m…I’m no good at this.” He chuckled.

“Neither am I.”

“You’re good at everything.”

“I’m not good at hunting.”

“Touché.” They laughed softly and gazed into each other’s eyes. He was looking at her with so much love, the faint moonlight illuminating every emotion behind them.

“You said my name in your sleep.” He blushed slightly.

“I was hoping you were asleep and didn’t hear. Or… _feel_ for that matter.” His mentioning of the third member in the room brought a matching blush to her cheeks.

“I thought you might have been thinking of someone else. T-to make you feel that…”

“Who else is there for me to think about, Katniss?” She shrugged her shoulders.

“Someone prettier and nicer than me. Someone who deserves you.”

“You still don’t get it, do you?” He rubbed circles into his temples then touched her cheek. “Katniss, I love _you_. There is no one else but _you_. I live for _you_ , I exist for _you_.” She knew this but there was something about hearing him say the words out loud that made it so clear. Peeta was amazing with words, could bring anyone to agree with him with his verbal persuasion. She was no exception.

“I know you don’t feel the same way and I know that you could never even say it to me if you did, but none of that matters. You could never drive me away. I could never love anyone else. You told me once that I never said things I didn’t mean and if I loved you all that time before…I don’t see how it could ever be different.” Katniss wished she could give him what he wanted, wished she could give him the words and the love and the happy stable future, but they both knew that wasn’t possible. But he was still here and always would be here. He would stay until the words found confidence inside her or even if they never did. He loved her in her moments of weakness when the terrors would become too real and only the sound of his voice could remind her that they were far from real. Katniss was not one for living in her wants but she was realizing that neither was he. He needed her just as desperately as she needed him. She could never love him in the way that his romantic heart wanted: dinner dates, flowers, and chocolates, _children_ … But she could love him in the ways he needed: strong arms to combat the hallucinations, soft kisses to remind him that he was still the boy with the bread that has saved her life, time and time again, a life _together_ as evidence that there was hope for him. For them.

She pressed her lips to his with everything she had. She was no good with words, but she wanted to show him just how much he meant to her. She placed it all into this forceful kiss, and when his lips parted slightly to invite her in, she knew he understood. Her hands running through his golden curls, his strong hands securing her to him as her legs wrapped around his waist. He turned his head to grant him more access, and she found herself sighing into him as their tongues danced together. He left her flaming lips to kiss her cheeks, then her neck, sucking and biting every ounce of bare flesh his lips could find. She giggled to herself as the pleasure devoured her. How he could say he was no good at this when she was so overwhelmed just by the feeling of his breath on her chest? His hands refused to be tamed, somehow managing to untangle her braid and forcing the straps of her tank top off her shoulders in one quick motion. She grabbed the hair at the nape of his neck and pulled him back to her lips. If he went any lower she would lose her mind and lose the ability to turn back. They remained like this for what felt like a blissful eternity. Their hungry lips were sore and swollen, but they had no desire to slow down.

Eventually, their quick fervent kisses slowed to long and sweet ones. She savored to feel of his soft lips on hers and melted into the smell of him: cinnamon, musk, and sweat. When their lips finally slipped apart, she rested her forehead on his and smiled. Her head fell to his chest as he laid them down and pulled her closer. His hands combed through her long messy mane as they began to drift to sleep. A feeling of ecstasy was resting on her like a warm blanket. She wondered if this was what happiness felt like, just as she did her first day back in the woods, and once again brushed it aside. She didn’t want to overthink this moment but instead wanted to live in it.

As her eyes fluttered closed, no fears of nightmares on her mind, she heard his voice.

“You love me? Real or not real?” His voice was soft and even, so much so that she imagined his expression was far from his usual one of furrowed eyebrows and confusion. Maybe it was the closeness of sleep or ignorance of happiness that made her feel so safe in her response. Whatever was behind it, she could care less. He was hers and she was his. Like the constant promise of spring and fresh rain and rebirth, there was never any other option but this.

“Real.” 


	2. Brighter Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "There is nowhere else in this world I could ever feel safer than with you. Peeta, I love you. Don’t you see? I want to risk my life to be with you because there is no life without you."

A deep yawn raged through his entire body as the last effects of sleepiness escaped him. The sun was high in the sky, the bright light seemingly brighter thanks to the reflection off the heavy blanket of snow. Peeta rolled onto his side and frowned at the abandoned mass of sheets beside him. He had overslept, again, and missed Katniss before she left for the woods. There was a time when he would rise before her to start on fresh bread and breakfast. The lower amount of sleep was always worth the surprise that would take over her face like clockwork each morning and the sweet kisses that always followed it. But lately, he has become overcome with laziness. With the onslaught of winter came the earlier blanket of night and the lack of desire to do anything. Katniss still managed to venture into the woods to hunt while he stayed in bed most of the day. He was lucky if he could beat the sun to the edge of the sky when getting out of bed as of late. He hated himself for it, knowing that the winter was even worse for her. The chill always took more out of her, brought her nightmares back more frequently and her frown seemed to be more permanent. But, she had her woods, and that always brought her some form of peace. Peeta had nothing.

When he _did_ get out of bed, he would slip into the routine he had developed ever since returning to twelve almost two years ago. Start the dough on whatever bread Katniss suggested the night before; maybe even make something sweet like cookies or cupcakes to go with dinner. Then he would sit by his easel in the living room placed right in the corner by the sliding glass door to the patio so he could look out for inspiration. He found himself painting the same things: The sunset and the way the bright pinks and oranges illuminated off the trees, whatever ghost was haunting him that day (the memories sometimes so horrifying he would almost send himself into an episode) or Katniss. Most of his work was of her; the way the forest sun accentuated the leaves in her braid or the tiny sparkles that rest inside her grey eyes when she smiled that beautiful genuine smile. He missed her desperately whenever she was out the house so it was no surprise that she was the center of his musings.

The monotony of his days was excruciating for him and he felt himself going slightly stir crazy. He would escape some days and go into town to buy produce or visit Delly and her boyfriend Tucker whom she brought back from District 13. Greasy Sae would always offer him a bowl of whatever concoction she had cooked up that day. His favorite visits were with Haymitch in the stale house that was only livable thanks to Hazelle stopping in each day to clean up his drunken mess and cook him real meals. Once you got accustomed to the smell and his usual rude, drunk and unbecoming behavior, he was a great companion. They would play chess and talk about anything. Peeta always felt better himself when he could make him laugh. Even with the company of his friends he felt so restless. Katniss had her calling in the woods, but what did he have? He stayed at home all day to cook and clean. There are only so many times one person can scrub and polish the entire collection of silverware before they want to shove the freshly polished fork into their eye socket.

One evening as he sat cleaning his paintbrushes and anticipating Katniss’s arrival, there was a surprise. When Katniss walked through the door Delly was right on her heels. By the annoyed expression on her face, Peeta could assume Delly had invited herself.

“Delly! What a nice surprise.”

“Isn’t it?” Katniss said through gritted teeth. She threw her game bag on the kitchen table, the sound of the heavy game meeting his freshly polished wooden table making him cringe. Katniss was not necessarily a fan of Delly but she far from disliked her. She enjoyed her company for the most part but only when she was in a social mood. It seemed she was far from that today, the bitter cold nipping at her resolve.

“Gosh, I’m so sorry! I was headed on my way out and saw Katniss coming back from the woods! It just seemed economical to walk with her so I knew you were both around!” Delly giggled. She seemed more chipper than usual, which was saying something. The girl didn’t know how to _not_ be in a good mood.

“She says she has something so _very_ important to tell us. But it has to be both of us. She literally could not contain herself the entire walk.” Katniss was seated at the table with her skinning knife. Her irritation needed to be averted as to not hurt Delly’s feelings. Peeta walked over and wrapped his arms around her shoulders and kissed her head. She sighed and relaxed beneath him.

“God, you two are just so _wonderful_ together.” Delly sighed. Katniss chuckled quietly. “Anyway! I have something so very exciting to tell you!”

“Out with it already!” In one bouncing squealing movement, she placed her hand on the table before us. It took him a moment, but his eyes caught the modest gold ring with a beautiful diamond placed in the middle.

“Tucker asked me to marry him! And of _course_ I said yes!” She bounced in her seat uncontrollably as the couple gawked at the ring. It wasn’t so much that Delly and Tucker were getting married, that was bound to happen. It was just the idea that someone they knew, someone they grew up with, was embarking down the path of marriage and, eventually, a family.

“Oh, Delly, that is just so great. Wow. Congratulations.” Katniss said sincerely. Peeta thought he saw desire in her eyes as she inspected the ring, but it was gone before he could deem it as reality.

“Thank you, Katniss! We are just so excited! We want to do our toasting really soon. Like, _soon_. But besides telling my two very best friends to invite you to the gathering, I wanted to ask a favor.”

“Anything.” She turned her head to look at Peeta specifically.

“Peeta, I know you haven’t done anything like it in a long time, but Tucker and I were wondering if you would make our wedding cake?” He was taken aback slightly at her request, but was quickly flattered by it.

“Y-Y-You want m-m-me to make your wedding cake?” She nodded furiously.

“Absolutely! You always did make the _best_ cakes, Peeta. And when we were kids and the cakes you would decorate would sit in the bakery window? They were always so _beautiful_. Oh, and remember the cake you made for Annie and Finnick’s wedding back in thirteen? Oh, Peeta, you just _have_ too! I won’t take no for an answer!” 

“Of course, Delly. I would be honored.” She squealed and ran over to hug both of them. After a few more minutes of chattering about the toasting and gathering and ideas of what she wanted for the cake, Delly was out the door, bouncing like a young schoolgirl. When she was gone, Katniss sighed loudly.

“I cannot believe Delly Cartwright is getting married.”

“Me either.” They sat on the couch and Peeta wrapped his arm around her shoulders pulling her closer.

“It’s just so…weird.” He simply nodded, understanding what she was thinking. It didn’t feel so long ago that they were “engaged” in the Capitol and preparing for a star-studded staged wedding. Back when their love was just a play in an almost never-ending game to keep them alive. During the days the star-crossed lovers were only half in love. But life has moved on and with the years they have grown together, their love becoming real on both sides. They were adults now and it felt…weird. They were just kids when more than adult responsibilities were thrust upon them. It was strange to actually be living to an age you never expected to see.

“I’m happy for her, though; for both of them. She looks so happy. And I’m excited to finally have a taste of one of your cakes again!”

“I bake cupcakes all the time!”

  
“Yeah, but cakes are different. You loved baking them. They were always your favorite; especially the decorating.” Peeta could never bring himself to make a full cake since coming back from the war. They reminded him too much of his father and his steady hands frosting the cakes to precision. The sound of his brothers giggles as they stole handfuls of cake patter to lick from their fingers. Even the stern look his mother would give him before deciding if the cakes he designed were “decent enough” to make it into the display case. Cakes were his past and his home: his family. He shook off the chill running down his spine and nestled into Katniss’s warm neck.

“I missed you today.” He whispered to her, his voice shaking like his cold bones. He knew this feeling all too well; the rigidity in his muscles and chill in his veins; the weakness in his mind. An episode was fighting to the surface.

“I missed you, too. More than usual.” The small edition was all he needed to relax. The warmth of his blood seemed to flow easier and his muscles deflated.

“It was obnoxiously cold out today and I missed your warm arms. That’s why I looked so annoyed when Delly followed me home. I just wanted to be here by the fire. With you.” In one swift motion, she was in his lap, hands rummaging through his curls, her grey iris’s blending into his stark blue.

“I’m nervous, Katniss. What if I can’t do it?” She rested her forehead on his and pressed her lips to his nose gently.

“You can do it, Peeta. You’re the one who pushed me back into the woods when I thought I wasn’t ready. A lot of time has gone by since the war stole everyone from us. We’re stronger now. _You’re_ stronger now. And I know how hard it is for you, being trapped in the house all damn day. This could be good for you.” Satisfied by her reassurance, he pressed his lips to hers. Katniss was convinced she was no good with words, but it seemed that she always had the right thing to say.

* * *

Katniss watched him quietly as he took in his ingredients. Everything was set up and measured perfectly on the counter before him; he just couldn’t seem to… _move_. The familiarity of the measuring process would have been calming if not for the constant sounds of his dead family whispering in his ears. He refused to showcase his weakness with Katniss watching, so he hummed softly in an attempt to drown out the cries for help. It wasn’t really working out for him.

“Are you gonna bake or just stare at the flour all day?” Katniss teased from behind him.

“I don’t want to rush this.” He whispered.

“Peeta, I know you think you won’t do it right, but you won’t know until you try. I could help you if you want?” A sincere and intense laugh ravaged him and he could feel her frown through his spine.

“Why are you laughing?”

“I’m sorry, just the thought of you baking a cake…do you remember the time I tried to teach you to make chees buns?” He turned to face her just as the amused smile reached her lips. Soon they were both cracking up.

“Excuse me for wanting to be helpful! Seriously, Peeta, what can I do to help?” He closed the space between them and captured her lips.

“You’re already doing it.” He panted against her hot mouth. The kiss was more intense than he intended, her back against the wall and his squeezing on her ass. “Just being here is enough.” He took her lower lip with his teeth and a satisfied moan escaped her throat.

“Hurry up and make that damn cake!” She told him with flushed cheeks and swollen lips. 

With newfound ambition in his soul, he once again approached his ingredients. With a deep breath and the faint tingle Katniss left on his lips, he picked up his flour and emptied it into the large mixing bowl. He waited a moment for a feeling of anxiety or unwelcomed whispers and was greeted with neither. Soon, all the ingredients were in the bowl and melding together under his mixer. The bright pink batter seemed to smile at him like the evening sun. Katniss snuck around him to taste the batter, and the joyous look on her face hinted that he was doing everything right.

When the cake made it into the oven and the dishes were all washed he felt a lightness on his heart. He remembered the night Katniss came home from her first day back in the woods and the peace she felt from being there. The idea that happiness could still be gained even with the tragedies that were so engrained in their past. He thought he understood, but now, in this moment, he truly did.

“Have I ever told you how handsome you are when you bake?” Her voice was low and filled with seduction in his ear. He didn’t hear her creep up behind him, so he jumped slightly. He shook his head in response.

“No, you have not.” He felt his cheeks burning with blush. Even after all this time together, this girl could still intimidate him. He knew it was a good thing and hoped the random nerves around her never went away. Not one for wasting time on words, she pulled him down to her lips. The heat from earlier instantly re-entered the kitchen, their fervent kisses picking up right where they left off. His hands slipped under the old t-shirt she was wearing, her hot desire filled skin arousing him further. In one swift motion, his hands were around her waist and lifting her onto the counter. As she lifted her shirt over her head and to the floor, he stepped back for a moment to take her in: the chill in the air was evident on her goose bump-laced skin, the slight curves at her waist granted to her with time and good eating were screaming for his hands and her flushed face and dark lustful eyes were calling his name. She was everything he ever dreamed of and all he could ever need in this life. The thoughts began to swirl around in his mind, as they often did when he pondered about the things he didn’t quite understand with too much detail. How was she here? How could he ever let the Capitol make him think she was some mutt out to kill him? How could she let him back into her life after everything he had done to her? After how deeply he had hurt her? She seemed to notice the distance in his eyes because she pulled him back and pressed a soft kiss to his temple.

“Hey, come back. Don’t go away. Stay here with me. Stay in this moment with me, Peeta.” How could he not when she was this close? When her embrace was so warm and loving and _real_?

“You are the single greatest thing to ever happen to me, Katniss.”

“I can say the same for you.” She was never one for spoken expressions of love, but on days like today when she knew he just needed to hear the words to make the emotions real, she obliged. He captured her lips again, the heat of the kiss restarting the electricity that had briefly left them. His hands drifted down her body slowly, a trail of bumps following closely after each touch. He cupped one of her firm breasts in his hand and was welcomed with a soft whimper. He loved the sounds she made when he touched her, the one time she could give him complete control. The knowledge that just the feel of his hands could make her weak lit a fire within him. His other hand slipped past the waistband of her shorts, the substance of her arousal already evident as he began to palm her over the fabric of her underwear. He was kissing her everywhere: the tip of her chin, the healed scars on her shoulder, the fine ridges of her breast.

“Peeta…” The way his name left her lips in a moan of pleasure drove him further, one his fingers slipping past the fabric and into the slippery gates of her folds. “Peeta.”

“Say my name, baby. Say it again.”

“Peeta!” The urgency in her voice made him jump, his hands flying to his sides. “The cake!” Instantly his other senses kicked in and he could smell and see the smoke in the air.

“Fuck! The cake!” He grabbed his oven mitts and flung the oven open, a crowd of smoke entering the air. He pulled the pan from the hot oven and placed the ruined cake on the stovetop. It was ruined, a pure charcoal black covering it from all angles. Peeta leaned against the fridge and banged his head a few times. He thought he was doing so well and he fucked everything up. He looked to Katniss and saw her shoulders rising with laughter. Soon he was laughing too. The scene was pretty funny: two oversexed kids so distracted by their hormones that they let the cake burn. This moment was so incredibly screwed up and so perfectly them.

After cleaning up the mess Katniss, always the curious one, cut a piece of the cake. Peeta tried to warn her but she never listened to him and popped the piece into her mouth.

“Peeta, it’s not half bad. A little crispy for my taste, but good.” With her encouragement, he made a bowl of vanilla frosting and they sat on the floor dipping pieces of burnt strawberry cake into it. Peeta watched her and felt suddenly at peace about everything. It was in the way her breast would fight against her bra whenever he made her laugh. Being able to intertwine his fingers with hers. Seeing the frown lines from her years of scowling turn into soft laugh lines made all the bad moments easier. Everything was going to be ok and the future looked bright.

* * *

It took him weeks to be happy with the result, but by the time they rolled the cake out at the toasting reception, Peeta felt he deserved to beam with pride at the three-tier masterpiece. Delly broke down into tears when she first saw it and Tucker squeezed her to him tightly. He decided on a marble flavored cake with a white chocolate mousse inside and fudge frosting. He decorated the layers in bright yellows and reds and oranges; Delly’s favorite season was fall. The edible leaves and tree’s that admonished the outer layers were the result of hours of dedication and frustration. He almost threw himself into a stupor when he couldn’t seem to get the leaves in the perfect shape. Katniss had to nearly fight the pastry bag from his hands and rock him in her arms for over an hour to calm him down.

Delly nearly tackled him to the floor and he felt the pride in his heart swell.

“Thank you, Peeta! It is absolutely magnificent! Thank you so so so much!”

“Thank _you_ , Delly.” And he really meant it: If she had never asked him, who knows if he would have ever dared make a cake again. The entire night patrons from around town all came up and patted him on the back, complementing the work of art and most importantly telling that it tasted just as amazing as it looked. With the hoards of people coming up to him, he wasn’t able to realize that Katniss had left his side and he felt slightly panicked. He searched the small banquet hall that had come up with many of the new buildings in the town square and sighed in relief when he found her. She was standing off to the side, Thom talking her ear off, but she wasn’t paying Thom much mind. Her eyes were centered right on Peeta, and the look of pride and irrefutable _joy_ that was radiating from her look was unlike anything he had ever seen directed at him in his life. He made his way to them and smiled at Thom politely.

“And so with this building and the one across the street, I hope to sell the property—oh, hi, Peeta. Amazing cake, by the way.”

“Thank you, Thom. Hey, you mind if I borrow her?” He motioned to Katniss making her chuckle slightly. They never officially came out with their relationship, but everyone in town knew. It was inevitable and by the looks they were given whenever they went out in public, everyone seemed to know way before them.

“Of course. Don’t want to keep you from your girl.” Peeta offered Katniss his hand and she took it without hesitation. They joined the other couples circling the floor to the music, courtesy of Haymitch, Greasy Sae, and Rory. It was amazing that Haymitch managed to stay reasonably sober enough to remember he could play a mean tune on the guitar, Greasy Sae only pulling out her box drum for special occasions and Rory was so painfully shy that it was a shame the world almost never knew about his brilliant harmonica and violin skills. As Peeta guided Katniss around the floor, her head resting on his shoulder comfortably, he pondered if they would ever be on the other side of this. If they would ever have a toasting of their own, friends the only family they had left surrounding them in love and congratulations. He never liked to bring things like this up to Katniss in fear of upsetting her and taking the idea off the table completely. They had a decent thing going on right now and he feared asking her to take it farther would push her away.

The next morning at breakfast there was a nervous knock at the door. Gary, an older man who sold fresh berries and produce at the market was at the door, a surprise to Peeta.

“Hey there, Peeta. Hate to bother you this early, but I kinda had a favor to ask.”

“Anything, Gary.”

“Well, my wife sure did love that cake you made for Delly’s weddin’ last night and couldn’t stop ravin’ bout it. Well, our anniversary is soon. Forty-five years. Who woulda’ thought we’d make it through a war an’ all. Love her more than the day I first saw her at my first reapin’. Anyway, I was wonderin’ if you wouldn’t mind makin’ a cake for our anniversary? I’ll pay you ‘course. But she would love it.” Peeta agreed instantly and told the man payment was far from necessary. When he delivered the cake later in the week, the man wouldn’t take it without slipping a few bills into his hand. It wasn’t long until word made it around town that he had made the cake and people were in and out of the house each day requesting different types of sweets. He was overwhelmed but it was such a wonderful feeling of purpose that he welcomed it. The idea came to him late in bed one night. Katniss was snuggled in front of him, her fingers intertwined with his around her middle.

“What do you think of me opening a bakery? In the town square.” She turned to look at him.

“A bakery? Like the one your parents used to have?” He nodded.

“With all the people coming in and out of the house it’s like I’m running one anyway. And that way it could be a real thing. And people could have fresh bread, too! And I could even get Haymitch out that damn house and doing something productive. Get some of the younger kids in the district to work part-time. I don’t know, I think it could be great.” She smiled at him and brought a hand to his face.

“I can’t believe it took you this long to think of it.” Approval in the only way Katniss Everdeen could give it.

The following morning he went straight into town after breakfast, Katniss walking with him on her way to the woods.

“Good luck.” She whispered to him before planting a long kiss on his lips and heading for the gate. He took a deep breath and headed Thom’s office in the center of town. There was never an official election, but he was basically the mayor of twelve. He spearheaded the restoration of the town and he had the connections to the Capitol for supplies and feedback on how people were handling the new ways of living. He took pride in seeing the district rise back from the ashes. The vocal approval from the Mockingjay and her “husband” was enough to grant him official standing in the Capitol’s eyes.

“Peeta! What can I do for you?”

“Hey, Thom. I uh…I have a proposition for you.”

“Oh? Does it include some of those famous Mellark lemon cookies? If so, I’m on board. No pitch necessary!” Peeta chuckled the rest of his nerves away; Thom’s light nature reminding him there was nothing to be worried about.

“Actually, there could be. I was thinking of starting up a bakery in town. A place completely my own but still using all the recipes I grew up with. I think it would be great for the town to have a reliable source of fresh bread seeing as the stuff being sent from the Capitol isn’t that great. I have people in and out of the house every day putting in orders for things. I think the town could use it.” The knowing smile on Thom’s face perplexed Peeta slightly but comforted him at the same time.

“You have no idea how long I have been waiting for you to come down into this office and ask me this. Follow me.” They left the office and went deeper into the square to the site of where his childhood home once stood. The old building had been completely destroyed in the bombing minus the sturdy clay oven Peeta had more than enough memories working with. It was all gone now, a group of young workers putting up the infrastructure for a new building.

“What are you planning to put in here?” Thom patted him on the back and his smile broadened.

“This is yours, Peeta.” He turned to him in shock, the snapping of his neck sending a shock of pain through his body.

“ _What_?”

“Well, your parents owned this property and since you’re the last remaining Mellark, this is your land. But beyond the technicalities of this, well, I always knew that you’d reopen the bakery. I told the guys to start rebuilding it, just the infrastructure and then whenever you came to me we could get into the finer details of how you wanted it to look. The entire town loves your goods, Peeta, but they love you even more. When they first started rebuilding this so many people came to me asking if the bakery was going back into business. I know you want this to be all yours and it will be. I have the Capitol on standby with the newest state of the art ovens and utensils. All you have to do is say yes.” Peeta didn’t realize he had tears rolling down his face until he brought his hand to his eyes.

“Thom…it’s absolutely perfect. Thank you. Seriously. This is…this is beyond anything I could have ever asked for.”

“I hoped you would say that. Now, let's go back to my office and work on some designs.”

* * *

_He was walking down a never-ending maze, the tunnels seeming to get smaller and smaller the farther he walked. He knew she was here somewhere, he had heard her screams just moments ago. He could hear all of them, screams of intense pain surrounding him. He had to get them. Had to save them. Had to save them from that mutt. He turned another corner and found an entrance to a cave, a myriad of screams he knew all too well hitting him from the entrance. He ran inside and found them all. His mother, father, and brothers all tied up together. There was one scream missing but he had his family in front of him. He ran to them and instantly the wind was knocked from him and he flew into the air by his prosthetic. He screamed in pain, but his scream turned to fear when the mutt walked from the shadows of the cave. Her sharp fangs were at attention, the light grey of her eyes tined red and menacing as she circled the only people he ever loved._

_“Don’t hurt them! Leave them be! Stop!” He screamed. She paid him no mind as one by one she ripped the hearts of his family out, swallowing them in one gulp. He was screaming, screaming so loud and thrashing trying to get to them before it was too late. As his family lay there, heartless and dead, she met his eyes and licked her elongated snout-like lips._

_“You filthy mutt! I’ll kill you! You mutt!” Her devilish laugh filled the air as she crept back into the shadows. He kept thrashing trying to get his leg free. There was still one more soul to save. One more person he loved still living, screaming for him to save her. He hurled his body upward and grabbed onto the latch where the metal and his flesh met and the moment he unhooked it, he fell to the hard ground, his entire body screaming. He crawled past the hanging bodies of what was once his family and into the tunnel where he could hear her youthful cries. He was so close, his strong arms pulling him far. It wasn’t long before the toddler with the blonde curly hair and cloudy eyes was in his site, sitting on the ground screaming for him. His precious girl, the only person left he could protect from that filthy mutt. He screamed in agony when he felt sharp pain race up his good leg. Her sharp fangs had met the flesh of his calf, and he could almost make out a smile on her lips. He couldn’t let her get to his precious little girl, his future, his hope. He would die for her. He would kill that filthy mutt and die in the process if it meant keeping his daughter safe. With the little strength he still had, he reached down and wrapped his hands around her throat and squeezed, her fangs grip releasing his flesh. He was above her now and looking right into her devilish eyes. The screams of his daughter kept him going. It was all going to be over. He was going to kill her. End the torture. Complete the mission. Kill the mutt. Kill Katniss. His grip tightened and soon the almost red glint of her eyes turned a soft grey and the fangs lost their sharp shiny luster. Her face went from evil and dangerous and shimmering to tortured and afraid and human. Her mouth parted, choking out inaudible sounds._

_“Peeta! Peeta! It’s not real!”_

She was beneath him, his hands wrapped around her throat tightly, her body thrashing in an attempt to get free. Her hands were on his wrist in an attempt to bring him back.

“Peeta! It is not real!” Her voice was weak since he was crushing her windpipe. His breathing was shallow and his eyes were wide as he took in his surroundings, no shine or glimmering effect on anything. He jumped back and the moment he released his grip on her throat she rolled out of the bed and onto the floor, holding herself up by one arm. She was gasping wildly and coughing. Peeta sat against the headboard and stared at his hands; they were almost white from how hard he was squeezing. His mind was slowly coming down from the cloudy nightmare state. The night terror was worse than usual, the shiny and so real effect of his episode blending in with the terrible dream. His girl was there and his family was dead. His past gone and his future depending on him. It was so _real_.

“Katniss?” Her name flew from his lips light as air. He couldn’t have…He didn’t…

But he did.

When he craned his head over the edge of the bed to see her still on the floor now rocking slightly with her legs pulled to her chest, breathing slightly regulated, the glaring red marks of his hands splayed across her neck like a tattoo. He could make out the exact place where his fingers locked, the ridges of them so perfectly ingrained on her skin…

He hurt Katniss. After all these years of trying to get better and working back together through their damage, never once did he hurt her like this. There were a few bruised wrists from squeezing too hard when an episode got bad and some harsh words thrown this way and that, but that was all superficial. At least, that was what she had told him. But this? There were no words in the world to make this okay. He was a _monster_. Nothing could change that.

“Peeta, it’s…it’s alright. I’m fine.” Her choking cough and scratchy tone in her words told the true story. Nothing was alright. They had been fooling themselves thinking they could be happy together. That he could be ok after everything the Capitol had done to him. He was ruined, everything decent about him stripped away and replaced with destruction.

He attached his leg with a quickness that only years of adjusting could garner and sprinted out the room. He could hear her strangled voice calling him, but he simply shook his head as if it is some terrible after effect of his nightmare. He searched the drawers in the kitchen for the dusty key to the house Katniss once called hers and left quickly when he found it. The air in the house was stale and musty from years of abandonment. It was lonely and unloved, exactly how he felt at this moment. After locking the door, he went up the steps two at a time. There was a period where they would transition between both houses until ultimately Katniss moved in permanently. He knew it was because she wasn’t nearly as haunted by the memories of her sister there, her scent not radiating from any of the rooms. He found a few pairs of pants and sweaters hanging in the bedroom closet and dressed quietly. He sat on the bed and looked at his hands. He wanted to be rid of them, to dislodge them from his body. To make them some foreign object that had a mind of its own. Peeta’s hands made delicious treats that brought smiles to all the faces that tasted them. Peeta’s hands could create portraits of those they had lost, so detailed and filled with life that it was almost like they were staring back at you. Nothing that truly belonged to him could ever hurt Katniss the way he had tonight.

Katniss.

From the way she was gasping for air, she wouldn’t have lasted much longer under his grasp. He could have _killed_ her tonight. With his own hands. Finishing the job Snow had always planned for him. The job he had wanted from Peeta ever since that first Hunger Games and the rules had shifted, again, to only one victor. Kill Katniss Everdeen. Douse her fire. End her existence. What would he have done if he came out of the terror to find the air no longer entering her lungs, her body limp beneath him? Just the thought forces him to run to the adjacent bathroom and vomit into the sink. She was the source of his existence yet the only thing that could so completely unhinge him. There was only one thing for him to do and that was to disappear. He promised he would never hurt her and he broke that promise. If there was one thing Katniss could never accept, it was a broken promise. And she deserved better than some washed up, hijacked loser who couldn’t decipher real from manufactured.

With the pink tint of daylight on the horizon, he dressed in a coat and hiking boots from the closet. He wouldn’t need all these layers soon. The frigid chill of the winter air would hopefully accelerate the process. He grabbed a few bottles of random pills he found in the medicine cabinet and headed out of the house. He didn’t bother locking the door. Maybe it would distract Katniss from trying to find him. He walked through the always-unlocked door of Haymitch’s, a part of him silently hoping the old drunk would be awake to talk him out of his plan. Sadly, he was passed out on the floor in front of the couch, knife in hand as always and a puddle of wasted liquor around him. He wondered if his leaving would drive him to the brink or if he would go on, business as usual. He imagined the latter.

As he walked through the deserted town, he stopped momentarily in front of the fresh brick building that would become his bakery. It was nearly finished, the grand opening set for a month from today. The brand new boxes stamped with his family name simply across the front, a gift from Effie, could be seen from the front window resting on the counter. He could almost feel the heat from the brand new ovens behind the brick, the homely warmth of the freshly painted sunset orange walls. Katniss picked the color and he knew she chose it because it was his favorite. It was the same color that adorned their bedroom in his house. Everything he loved managed to involve her in some way these days. A relapse was inevitable.

As he walked on past the square and to the gate of the woods he had always feared, he said a silent goodbye. This was the only place he had ever known and he felt honored to have seen it grow into a place greater than it ever imagined it could become. He knew it would continue on without him and prayed that it would even flourish beyond his wildest imagination. The woods were quiet with the dawn, the soft frost covering the ground entirely. The Mockingjay's were still sleeping in the trees, some slowly awakening with a soft song. Peeta knew where he was going, a specific bush of berries not far off from where he first found the primrose the day he returned to twelve. He made sure to remember the location for an event such as this. Desperate times would call for desperate measures. He found the bush quickly and wiped off the frost before plucking a bunch of the dark nightlock and tucking it into his jacket pocket. He was thankful that the deadly fruit never seemed to have a season. The sun was rising fast and he was still too close for comfort. He walked and walked until the mixture of his long journey and the cold took the air from his lungs in strong gulps.

 _“I wonder if this is how Katniss felt when I tried to kill her.”_ He thought. That was all the motivation he needed to trek a little farther to a soft clearing surrounded by tall trees that never seemed to stop reaching for the sky. The Mockingjay's were wide-awake with the sun, their tunes surrounding him. He sat in the middle of the clearing and took the berries from his pocket, pushing them around in his palm. He took the moment of solitude to whistle his favorite tune to the birds above. He wondered if these were the same birds She would sing to when out on her hunts. If these would be the same allies that would lead her to his cold still body. He thought of all the moments in the past few years that drove him to imagine that happiness could be tangible for someone like him. Katniss had such a powerful effect on people: the softness of her rare smile, the glare of her silver orbs when she was annoyed, the gentleness of her touch when she tried to comfort you…His girl on fire had evolved into a woman full of radiance and hope and she foolishly tried to save him. He felt honored that she chose him, but he betrayed her by hurting her. The tears trailing down his face seemed to freeze the moment they left his eyes. His hands were shivering as he situated the six berries in his hands along with the cocktail of pills he grabbed from the house. He imagined his death to be painless and quick, a luxury he was never offered when death was constantly on the horizon. He closed his eyes and found her face; even though he didn’t deserve it, he wanted the last thing he thought of on this earth to be of her. If he could just hear her sweet voice one last time…

“Peeta! What the hell are you doing?” His eyes shot open to find Katniss standing before him, skin flushed and white from the cold. His gaze went straight to her neck to remind him why he was here, but a scarf was covering it.

“What are you doing here? How did you find me?”

“You have the loudest feet in the entire world and left a trail large enough for a group of people! And I heard the birds.” His song—well, technically her song—was swinging from the trees above them and he realized how foolish he was. The girl he loved was the smartest hunter in the world, and all his moves to fight her off instead led her right to him.

“Go away.”

“You must be out of your mind if you think I’m going anywhere.”

“I _hurt_ you, Katniss.”

“You didn’t do anything. It wasn’t you. It was a nightmare. It wasn’t real. You didn’t know, Peeta.”

“And that is supposed to make it ok? I could have _killed_ you! And then what? What would happen if I killed you with my own hands? I’d be right back here.”

“What if’s don’t matter. What if’s are not real.”

“I almost killed you and that is real.” She took a step towards him and he raised his hand to his mouth defensively, ready to empty the concoction into his bloodstream.

“Peeta, listen to me. I don’t blame you. I’m not afraid of you, but I’m afraid of what would happen if I lost you. Don’t do this. I…I need you.”

“You would get on just fine without me. Everyone would.”

“Are you fucking joking? Peeta, this entire town needs you! There isn’t a soul in twelve who isn’t excited for the bakery to open! And everyone is so proud of you for what you are doing. Even Haymitch.”

“Anyone can run a bakery.”

“Peeta—“

“No one needs me! I can’t save them! I can’t save anyone!” She was in front of him, on her knees and trying to unclasp his grip around his death concoction.

“Tell me about the nightmare.” Her voice was soft and steady, a voice created over years of practice. Routine.

“You were a mutt. And you killed them.”

“Your family?” He nodded. This was a familiar theme but also a rare one. It only came when he was extremely stressed and when it did come, it would take days for him to feel safe around her again.

“But there was someone else. A…A little girl.” He felt her grip grow tighter at the prospect of an offspring: _their_ offspring.

“A girl?”

“My—our daughter. She had my hair and your eyes. She was so beautiful and small and helpless and I had to save her. I was crawling and I was so close to her and then you were back and you were trying to kill me for trying to save her. I had no choice! You were a mutt! I had to kill you and I was so close but then I woke up and you weren’t a mutt! You were my Katniss and you were so scared. I can’t stay here anymore. This can’t happen again.”

“You were just stressed about the bakery and all the orders you’re getting. It won’t happen again. We’ll get through this we always do.”

“Says who? I’m supposed to be better now! Years after the war and this is the first time I have done this to you. How is that better? Don’t tell me everything will be ok!”

“You’re right.” He looked at her for the first time. “Everything won’t be ok, it never will be. What we have lived through…Peeta, there are no words to define it. We are permanently damaged and we cannot fix that. Time won’t heal these wounds; only mask them enough so that we can live. But we have life and we get to make new memories, memories that can be happy. Memories that can make the wounds hurt a little less than usual. It is wrong of me to promise that you won’t ever hurt me again cause it very well could. But that doesn’t mean you get to just leave because it could happen. I live in constant fear that war will come again and the comfort I have tried to build will be snatched from me, but _you_ taught me to keep living. I need you Peeta because there is no hope without you. You could have killed me last night, hell, you could have killed me in that arena all those years ago but you _didn’t_. You didn’t kill me when they still controlled you, either. Something always stops you because you know. You just know.”

“You aren’t safe with me, Katniss. They still own me!”

“There is nowhere else in this world I could ever feel safer than with you. Peeta, I love you. Don’t you see? I want to risk my life to be with you because there is no life without you.” He knew, he always knew. She had told him in more ways than one: the simple “real” when he first asked her in a sleepy haze, in the way she had given him her body so completely, a physical assurance that could only mean complete and all-consuming love. But the three words never slipped from her lips in this way, and hearing it now seemed to clear up everything. Why hadn’t he seen before this moment?

His palm unclenched and the berries and pills landed on the ground softly. He crushed them with his foot for good measure and smiled at her weepily.

“I’m so sorry, Katniss.” She took him in her arms and rocked him gently.

“Don’t you ever fucking do that to me again or I’ll shoot you through the eye.” He could hear the tears at the end of her words and held her tighter. Her strength was spent and now she was slowly falling apart. They worked together when one was weak the other would give their all to put the pieces back together until they had nothing left. It was his turn now.

“I love you so much, Katniss.”

“Don’t you _ever_ leave me, Peeta Mellark. _Ever_.” The idea of leaving the safety of this woman’s arms seemed foolish now. He couldn’t figure out how he ever let the idea enter his mind.

* * *

The sky was barely lit with the impending sun but Peeta already had the ovens burning and was kneading dough on the countertop. Katniss barely stirred when he slipped from the sheets they shared, his eyes burning from staring at the black ceiling all night. He didn’t bother leaving her breakfast since it would be long before she arose. Haymitch and Rory wouldn’t be here for another few hours. Today was the grand opening of the bakery and his mind was running laps and the only thing that could calm him when he got this way was to bake. He had an overabundance of dough to use, so many varieties of bread to place on the counter for customers to sample. He had a few finishing touches on some cupcakes he wanted to place in the display inside the window.

Katniss was working with him over the last couple weeks before the opening to figure out a way to control his stress levels and the only solution seemed to be the catalyst. The more he baked the more relaxed he felt, yet the more orders he received, the harder the pounding in his head hit. He could clearly see the toll it was taking on her, the bags under her eyes darkening with the lack of sleep. She would hold him in her arms tightly with her eyes shut, but they both knew she was wide awake, ready to spring away if he were brought into another episode tinted nightmare. They were tiptoeing around each other and he hated it. If anything, the awkward energy was making everything worse. They hadn’t made love in weeks and they were both on edge. It was evident in the way that he pressed harder into the dough or how her knife would scrape against her game so hard that chunks of flesh would come with fur as she skinned them.

Regardless of the tension, he was excited and nervous and so ready for the sun to hit the sky. The final days of winter were expiring and the promise of spring was near. The frost was slowly lessening in the mornings, light dew replacing the frozen residue. The birds seemed to be coming back for longer stays and the bees were beginning to buzz brightly. Winter was never an ideal time for either of them, so the promise of the rebirth of flowers and warmth placed a slight pep in his step. Maybe there was a chance that things could go back to the old calm of before. Then again, you can never really regain the past. It was simply that; past; faded; over. There was a soft knock on the back door that led directly into the kitchen and when he opened the door he was surprised to see Katniss completely dressed, hair still flowing freely around her shoulders.

“Katniss, what are you doing here?”

“What do you mean?” She slipped past him and breathed a contented sigh at the warmth inside the kitchen. “It’s so warm in here!”

“You know what I mean. The sun has barely risen!”

“And? What, did you think I wouldn’t notice that you left?” He blushed with embarrassment.

“I didn’t want to wake you.”

“Not like I sleep that deeply these days anyway. I was wide awake when you left.”

“Oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t…I didn’t mean—“

“Peeta.” Her eyes were remorseful and filled with worry. “I don’t like this.”

“What? D-Don’t like w-what?”

“This! _Us_. What we’ve allowed ourselves to become.” Oh god. It was happening. His biggest fear of her finally realizing how much he did not deserve her was unfolding before him. He often wondered why she never wised up, but now that it was happening, he felt sick.

“And what have we become?” He leaned on the counter slightly for balance. He felt his mind begin to spin, his hold on reality starting to unfold.

“Everything we promised we never would. We tiptoe around each other like strangers. Neither of us sleeps anymore because we’re both afraid of what the nightmares will bring. It’s as if we stepped into a time portal and we’re back into those early days when we first returned to twelve. I hate this.” She closed the space between them and took his face between her calloused hands.

“I miss _you_ , Peeta.” His hands met her hips and steadied her. The shock of electricity that surged through his body felt so brand new that his knees began to buckle. It felt like years since he had touched her.

“I miss you too, Katniss. It’s just—“

“Stop. Stop making excuses. I can take care of myself.”

“I know you can. But—“ He stopped himself when she gave him the _look_. The stare of stern disapproval where her lips would find themselves in a fine line and her eyes slanted. He knew better. He sighed deeply then pressed his forehead to hers.

“I’m sorry. Just promise me something.”

“What?”

“If it…if it ever gets that out of hand again, promise me that you’ll kill me.” She opened her mouth to object but he pressed his lips to hers softly. “Katniss if it _ever_ happens again…if I ever hurt you like that again, you have to do it. I won’t…I won’t be able to live with myself. Promise me.” Her eyes watered with uncertainty but she nodded.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“I promise.” She left the kitchen taking her coat off and walking into the backroom by the door. He couldn’t bear to have her so far from him and he quickly followed. As if she knew he would be right behind her, she was all over him, their lips colliding hungrily instantly. She felt so safe, so warm, so familiar. Their desire for each other was evident, the fast pacing of their tongues against each other so wild and fervent. She was against the wall, her legs wrapped around his tightly as her excited hands found the buckle of his belt. With both their trousers resting around their ankles, he thrust into her, a satisfied moan escaping both their mouths. It felt like the first time, just the feel of her slick walls encasing him, _only_ him was almost enough to send him over instantly. She steadied him, rocking against him slowly, meeting each thrust with anticipated precision. He was lost in her, his lips sucking on her neck, the sensitive spot just above her earlobe, the apex of her chest. One of her hands gripped his ass tightly, wanting him deeper, closer. The room was quiet besides the music of their satisfaction, of their love and need for one another. He had missed this.

“Don’t you ever leave me.” She gasped as he twisted his hips, finding her spot and forcing her to sink her teeth into his shoulder.

“I promise.”

“Don’t you ever make me…don't ever stop. Peeta!” He raised his head from her shoulder to meet her eyes and beyond the deep black hues of desire, he could see her fear. The fear of never having a moment like this again. The fear of everything they had built over the years vanishing into one of the countless nightmares.

“I won’t.” In those two words, he promised them that it wouldn’t get that far again. He would work harder to make sure moments like this could remain for the rest of their lives. As they drew closer and closer to the precipice, their names echoing in the air and on their parched lips, they rocketed to the apex together, their moans of euphoria mixing together into one. They slipped to the floor, still conjoined as one being, wrapped together. She kissed the tip of his nose. He told her he loved over and over until their breathing came to a normal rate and the sweat no longer glistened on their bodies. The air was thick and hot with their love.

“Well, I guess the bakery has officially been christened.” He joked. She giggled and broke their connection, grabbing a stray towel resting on the table next to them and cleaning herself up before pulling up her pants. He followed suit.

“We better get this place ready to open. The sun is nearly up.” They washed their hands and reentered the kitchen, the dough sitting and ready to enter the ovens. They worked around each other seamlessly as if they had been together their entire lives. Every chance he got, Peeta stole a kiss from her lips.

As the sun made its appearance, the back door opened and Rory and Haymitch made their presence known.

“We’re here, Peeta!” Rory yelled as loud as his soft shy voice would allow.

“Why does it smell like sex back here?” Katniss gave him a look and they fell to the floor in laughter.

* * *

There was a line outside the bakery long before Peeta turned the sign from closed to open. The bakery was filled the entire day, the sounds of people, laughter and good conversation always plentiful. Young children gazed at the decorated bright pastel colors of the cupcakes in the display window, begging their parents to let them buy a dozen. There were some moments were Peeta felt like a young kid again, often turning around to ask his father if he needed to start another batch of cookies for the showcase. Katniss would notice instantly, the darkness in his face and the clenching of his jaw giving him away. Her arms would be around his waist in milliseconds, her soft voice cooing in his ear to stay in the moment and look at the joy he was bringing to everyone

The day was a stressful one, but he knew the extra set of hands made it manageable. Haymitch was on the register, shocking everyone with how friendly he could be when he tried. Rory was working in the back with Peeta, a new batch of dough stirring or a fresh batch of sweets hot out of the oven ready to be stocked in his hands constantly. Katniss stayed in from the woods today to help out, jumping where it seemed she was needed. As useful as her ever-changing hands were, just having her presence near made all the difference. The customers seemed to smile brighter when they saw the two of them working side by side. The sun made an appearance as well, the bright light radiating warmth through the large glass window at the front of the bakery.

When Katniss turned the sign to closed, the four of them all collapsed to the ground, proud smiles on their faces.

“I gotta give it to you, boy. This place is a hit.” Haymitch beamed at his former tributes openly, his pride mixing with their own.

“There isn’t a pastry left!” Rory looked at the empty display in wonder. The youth in his gaze was slowly re-emerging after years of struggle and torment seemed to have stolen it from him. Katniss rested her head on his shoulder and her smile seemed to broaden.

“I told you so.”

* * *

The bakery was going strong after over a month. There were some days when he wouldn’t see Katniss in the light, his mornings calling him before the sun and the duties at the bakery keeping him there long after the sun had vanished again. Katniss started popping into the bakery at lunch. She always came in through the back and pulled him into her arms, holding him silently. The adjustment was much harder on them than they had imagined, Katniss especially. She was so accustomed to her days starting with his soft kisses and a warm fire and dinner waiting for her when she returned from the woods. She had pushed him towards this goal, was so happy and proud of him for achieving it, but they never realized how important the assurance of him being around anchored her. Her night terrors (which had been waning in appearance) were worsening, his arms and soft assurances no longer enough to bring her back into reality. She often refused to tell him what they were about which was an indication that they were about losing him.

He can feel her fighting in her sleep. Even though he tightens his grip around her waist she continues to punch and kick at the things tormenting her mind, her eyes shut tightly and teeth-gritting.

“Katniss. Katniss, honey, wake up.” He coos into her ear. It’s no use; she can’t hear him. After a while, she shoots up and begins to scream a banshee-like wail. Peeta is wrapped around her instantly.

“Peeta! Peeta! Where are you?” She screams. Her eyes are open but it is as if she cannot see where she truly is. Her dream is still surrounding her and not his arms.

“I’m right here, Katniss. I’m right here. It isn’t real. I’m right here.” She was searching the room for him.

“Peeta!” He shook her softly.

“Katniss!” He kissed her moist temple and brushed down the wild hairs on the top of her head. She turned into his chest and held him tightly, the sobs radiating through his chest.

“Peeta! You’re here. You’re really here.” His heart sinks deeper into his chest and he has to fight back tears of his own.

“I’m here, honey. I will always be here.” He rocked her for a while until her breathing slowed and the sobs subsided. She was shaking still and tears were still pouring from her eyes, but she was calm enough to hear what he had been thinking all night.

“Maybe the bakery wasn’t such a good idea.”

“What?” She leaned away from him to look at his face, her puffy red eyes trying to get a read on him.

“It’s a lot of stress on both of us and I know how much you miss having me at home. Maybe I just bit off more than I could chew with this one. You need me here.”

“No. That isn’t fair.” She wiped her eyes dry and sat up. “You shouldn’t have to sacrifice just because I’m uncomfortable.” He shrugged.

“It’s kinda what I do, Katniss.”

“And I _hate_ that. I’ll admit it, it’s hard on me not having you at my beck and call anymore, but I love seeing you at the bakery. It’s yours and you love it and you make so many people happy. It would be selfish of me to take that from you.”

“But you feel like you’re losing me.”

“I know that. It’s different but I will adjust. I have no choice.”

“Are you sure? I’ll try to get home earlier. Start my days a little later so I can see you off.”

“It’s fine!”

“But…the nightmares…”

“If you think I’m going to let a few nightmares get to me, you are once again underestimating me.”

“I always seem to do that, huh?”

“I think you just like to be proven wrong.”

“Oh, that’s what it is. You got me good.” He pulled her back to his chest and searched his mind for something to ease her long term. He knew Katniss too well, knew something had to happen to appease her.

It hit him as he was getting ready the next morning. She was sleeping soundly and he sat in the chair near the door watching her silently. The steady rise and fall of her chest ignited a need inside him. They had been living together for almost three years now, this house becoming theirs instead of simply his. The sheets carried her smell, the hallways always lingering of the soft lavender of her soap. They were together but he could never escape that need for _more_. Something more concrete than just _being_ together. A title. An absolute. A marriage. Marriage meant an official union. A marriage was a promise for a future spent together til’ death reared its ugly head and ripped you apart. Marriage could mean children, although that was something he knew better than to push. She was so sure in her not wanting them, but he kept hope alive that with the years she would change her mind. It worked for him, so he believed it could work for his new dream as well.

He went into the top drawer of the dresser and dug around until he felt the smooth cool touch of the pearl. He felt the memories of that Quarter Quell surround him, the night on the beach replaying behind his eyes. The moment he thought that things could be different for them. Where, maybe, they could live without the fear of death constantly on their heels. Where things could be real. It all rested in this smooth orb, and as he slipped it into his pocket he felt so sure in his decision. The warm spring air covered his skin as he walked to the bakery. The sun was beginning to rise a little earlier, accompanying him from a distance during his walk. Peeta started the bread with a sense of urgency that morning, the loaves already toasting in the oven by the time Rory came in a little past dawn.

“Rory! I need you to hold the fort for a little bit until Haymitch gets here. I’ll be right back.” He sprinted out the front door before the boy could respond. Peeta was gasping when he reached the door of the jeweler in the center of town. His sign was still swinging from being turned to open when he walked in.

“Mr. Mellark! What a surprise.” The kind-hearted middle-aged man smiled at him from behind the counter.

“Hiya Lionel. Sorry to bother you so early, but I have a favor.”

“Anything! I still owe you for that magnificent blueberry crumble you made for my little Macy’s birthday. What do you need?” Peeta took the pearl from his pocket and placed it on the table.

“Could you set this into a golden band? It’s a…a gift.”

“Ahhh a _gift_ you say?” Lionel gave him a coy smile. “How soon would you need it?”

“Is tonight pushing my luck?”

“Absolutely not! I’ll start on it right away. It’ll be ready by the time the bakery closes.”

“I owe you one, Lionel!” Peeta surged out of the shop a new man, his emotions too unfamiliar to try to make sense of. The day at the bakery seemed slow in anticipation for the coming night. His heart nearly stopped when Katniss came into the bakery around two. Her game bag was hanging from her shoulder and twigs and fresh leaves were still attached to her long braid. She seemed so in her element, the mixture and smell of nature around her making her seem even _more_ beautiful.

“Hey, you!” He bounced over to her by the door and planted a long kiss on her lips.

“Hey yourself. What’s eating you?”

“Just a beautiful day! Wouldn’t you agree?” She was eyeing him suspiciously.

“Are you trying to get something past me?”

“What? Katniss I could nev—“

“I know you, Peeta Mellark.” He kissed her again then went back to the kitchen to grab a bag he had set aside for her just moments ago. She knew instantly by the smell in the air.

“My favorite?”

“A dozen cheese buns just for you.” She smiled.

“You certainly know how to brighten my day.” He pulled her close.

“Hey, wear something nice tonight.”

“Why?”

“I have a surprise.”

“I hate surprises.”

“For me? Please?” She pulled away and snatched the bag from his hands.

“Maybe.” She kissed his cheek, took a cheese bun from the bag and headed out the door. He shook his head; that woman was a complete piece of work. The traffic of customers was light for the remainder of the day, the need to keep all the ovens going seeming mute. He even sent Rory home early.

“Hey, kid.” Haymitch walked over to him as the day was ending, the last slice of blueberry pie walking out the door with their final customer.

“Hmm?” He nearly sang in response. He was already scrubbing at the dirty pans in the sink, hoping to get home as soon as possible.

“You’re up to something, aren’t you?”

“What do you mean?”

“The way you were looking at the girl today. It was different. More nauseating than usual. What are you up to?” The standoffish man pulled a flask from his back pocket and took a long swig. Peeta demanded that he does not drink during business hours and so far, he kept his promise. But, there was nothing for him to do once the bakery shut down and the need for friendly demeanor was over for the day.

“Nothing that concerns you, Haymitch.” He continued to eye him suspiciously.

“You knock her up?”

“No! You know…she doesn’t want…I couldn’t—“

“Hey, hey! Calm down, kid. I was just messing with you.” Peeta tried to breathe deeply and calm himself. The gates of his restless mind had opened just enough to make the thoughts swirl. Haymitch was around him enough these days to recognize an episode almost as well as Katniss.

“I’m…I’m ok. I’m ok.” His grip on the sponge and pie pan underneath the soapy water eased as the gate in his mind closed. He watched the concerned eyes of his mentor and sighed deeply. Haymitch was the closest thing to family he had left and the only human being on this earth who could make the pang of loneliness his father left behind vanish slightly. He could be paternal when he wanted to, and when he did, oh how wonderful it was. Peeta had placed his life in his hands more than once, so telling him couldn’t hurt.

“If you have to know…I…We are…toasting. Tonight. Katniss and I.” Haymitch was in mid-swig when he spits the harsh liquor all over the wall beside him.

“Katniss finally agreed to it?”

“Well…I didn’t formally ask…or tell her, really. I just thought I would surprise her…”

“You know she hates surprises.”

“Yeah, well…whatever. Don’t try to talk me out of it cause I’m going through with it. Even if she runs out on me, at least I tried.” He went back to scrubbing, the silence in the room making him second-guess himself. He felt the hard pat of Haymitch’s hand on his shoulder.

“Boy, I hope you know that that girl will never deserve you. But she’s making you ballsier. I like it. Congratulations.” And with that, he was out the door. Peeta finished the dishes quickly then placed the dough he had set-aside especially for tonight in the oven. It was filled with the wild berries Katniss had brought in from her hunt yesterday. The first berries of the spring; perfect for their step forward.

He raced back to the jeweler and caught him just as he was closing up shop. Lionel had a soft smile on his face and a velvet box in his hand.

“I didn’t forget about you, Peeta. I was going to bring it over to the bakery.” He smiled shyly and took it from him gratefully. Peeta tried to pay him, but Lionel simply shook his head and started for his home. When the bread was out of the oven and wrapped up to be taken home, Peeta opened the box before locking up. The pearl seemed to be shining brighter than before, the iridescent colors of its skin glimmering. It fit perfectly on the simple gold band, locked together forever. His heart was racing at the image of the ring adorning Katniss’s finger for the rest of her days. The rest of their days _together._

The sun was at the edge of the sky when He crossed the Victor's Village gate. The lights in the house were on and he suddenly realized how messy he looked for the occasion: flour-covered hair and clothes, grains of sugar dug into the beds of his nails.

“Katniss?” He called when he entered the house. There was no response. He set the bread and velvet box on the kitchen counter and took the steps two at a time. She was nowhere to be found. Assuming she went to check on Haymitch, he took the alone time to get ready. He took a quick shower to rinse the day from his skin and ease his mind. What if she did say no? What if she finally realized that there was a man stronger, more resilient, and stable than him out there? The tall broad-shouldered man with the seam eyes and dark hair flashed behind his eyes and he could feel reality slipping past him.

“No! Not now!” He fought with his entire being, refusing to let the darkness of his past take him away from the promise of his future. He wanted her to see him standing tall and confident, not sobbing and weak, as she was accustomed. It took a few punches to the tiled shower wall, resulting in bloody knuckles, but the room remained clear and unshiny. He made it through. He searched into the depths of his closet for the old suits Portia had made for him. He ran his fingers over the fine Capitol fabric and felt a wave of emotions wash over him. He missed her desperately, her calm voice and steady hands always anchoring him during such a time of uncertainty. He settled on the white suit he wore at the banquet thrown for them in District Four during their victory tour. It was a fairly good memory for them, their toes meeting the warmth of sand for the first time. It was one of the rare moments of their past where the small joy radiating in their hearts felt real, the joining of their hands as they walked the beach feeling natural. The fabric was a little snug, the years of outgrowing boyhood stretching it farther than Portia intended at the time, but it still fit.

When he went back downstairs he was stunned in his tracks; Katniss was sitting on the living room floor, her long lilac dress covering her legs as she sat before the fire. Her hair was loose and tamed around her shoulders, the thick black waves falling around her round face like black velvet. Her cheeks were slightly rosy with blush; her lips tinted a matching color. Her blush deepened when she caught his eyes.

"How?” He gasped. How had she known?

“I know you, Peeta Mellark.” She stood up and the air was snatched from his lungs. Her dress fell to the floor, the bottom ruffling slightly. The soft silky material cinched around her waist accentuating her hips and the slight v-neck at her chest exposed just the perfect amount of skin. She looked like a goddess; _his_ goddess. She met him at the base of the stairs and took his hands.

“I wanted it to be a surprise.”

“Oh, Peeta, it was. I came home after seeing you this afternoon and thought for hours what exactly you were planning. It took me hours to figure this out. That you would want…well, _me_.” He placed a stray hair behind her ear and kissed the tip of her nose.

“I have something for you.” He went into the kitchen and grabbed a knife, the loaf, and the box, his hands shaking violently with nerves. She followed him into the living room and they sat at the hearth of the fireplace. She was eyeing him quietly as he held the box out to her and opened it. Her wide grey eyes filled with surprise and love when she saw the ring.

“Peeta is that—“

“I had it set into a ring so you could always remember. The first time we found a moment of peace in total destruction. You don’t have to wear it if you don’t want, but I thought you’d like it.”

“Oh, Peeta. I absolutely love it.” She held her hand out to him and he nervously slid the ring on her ring finger. She looked drunk with happiness. She took the knife and the loaf and cut two slices of the still-warm bread for them. The inevitability of this moment rang through the air, but they were both still so nervous, so unaware of _how_ this was happening. She holds her piece into the flames first, her eyes never leaving his.

“I’m no good at this, but I feel like I should try to say something. I just…words don’t measure what you have done for me, Peeta. You changed me, molded me, and made me a better person than I ever was before, even with all these new scars and broken pieces. You love me when I don’t love myself and center me when I want nothing more than to float away into nothing. You are my peace.” She retrieved her piece from the flames; the bread toasted perfectly, not an ounce of char on it. It was his turn yet he felt frozen. He placed his piece in the roaring flames, the warmth holding him steady as he looked into her serious yet soft eyes, silent tears slipping from them.

“Katniss, you have been my life since that first day of school. You held me even as a young girl and I knew that there was only a future if you were a part of it. You are the reason I made it through the torture and the darkness. You…You are everything. I don’t want to imagine a life without you. I don’t want to ever experience anything without you. I want your arms anchoring me to reality forever. I just want you. And even if the other things I desire can never happen, if I have you they won’t ever matter. Only you. Only you. I love you.” He could feel his fingers burning with the flames, but he didn’t want to ever leave this moment. Ever lose the feeling of her fiery gaze set upon him. When she pulled his hand from the flames and they watched the burnt piece of bread go from red to black, they laughed through their happy tears. The boy with the bread was saving Katniss Everdeen once again with burnt bread, once again giving her hope for the future. They intertwined their arms and fed each other with their respective pieces. As the warm perfection of her piece met his tongue and the burnt intentions of his met hers, everything felt so perfectly in place. They were here in this moment as one entity; they were in this forever.

The next day when she walked through the front door of the bakery, a wide smile on her face, Posy, her long dark hair and grey eyes shimmering, ran up to her, pigtails bouncing.

“Hi, Ms. Everdeen! You look pretty today!” Hazelle looked at Katniss with a sorrowful look, but she simply smiled. Her eyes met his and with a wink, she kneeled down in front of the girl and patted her head.

“Thank you, sweetheart. And, for the record, it’s Mrs. Mellark now. How about we get you a cookie, hmm?” Hazelle looked between Peeta and Katniss in surprise, the shock on her face shifting to a silent face of joy. He thought back to the night he spun her around the dance floor at Delly’s wedding and wished for a replica of it. Here, in this reality with Katniss as his wife and knowing that the union was completely their own settled so perfectly inside him. Seeing her with the young girl gave him hope. You can never reclaim the past, but you can sure as hell work towards an even better future.


	3. Taking Chances

“Don’t look down, Peeta!” Katniss turned her head and called to him.

“I’m doing my best.” The quiver in his voice made her chuckle slightly. She was a good two feet above him in the tree, going as slow as she felt was humanly possible. He was taking his sweet time surveying each and every branch before lifting himself. It took years, but she finally convinced him to come into the woods and climb her favorite tree. She wanted him to see what calmed her and brought her a feeling of safety. From up here, you could see the wide expanse of her woods, the never-ending rolling hills, and trees. He wasn’t a fan of the woods, their time in the games a good guess as a catalyst of his fear, but they promised each other that this year would be about taking chances. So here he was, climbing her tree.

“Almost there!” Katniss settled onto her usual branch, one leg over each side. She took a deep breath of the warm mid-summer air, a soft breeze flowing through the hair at the nape of her neck. The sounds of Peeta’s exasperated grunts took her out of her moment of calm. At first, she only saw his hands, soon his head appeared, his face red with exertion. He pulled himself onto the branch across from her, completely out of breath.

“I…cannot… _believe_ …I let you…drag me—”

“Hush. Don’t waste the air.”

“I feel like dying.”

“Shhh.” He did as he was told, closing his eyes and breathing deeply. Her hand reached across the branch to rest on his thigh. The feeling of being high in the air along with his presence brought her a new type of calm.

“It’s peaceful up here.”

“I know. Look.” She pointed to the west where the trees seemed to grow more plentiful. The sound of his breath hitching in his throat made her smile.

“ _Wow_.”

“I know.” His eyes were wide with wonder, the beautiful azure sparkling in amazement. She wished she could capture the look on his face. She hoped to never forget it.

“It’s so beautiful.” He reached into the pack strapped across his chest and pulled out his sketchpad and a stick of charcoal. She chuckled at him; even though he complained about being “dragged” out here, he brought his sketchpad to capture everything he saw. Her husband was a piece of work. They sat in the tree for hours, the warm summer breeze, fresh fruit, and water Katniss stashed into her bag keeping them cool. She watched him as he sketched frantically, trying to capture every possible detail of the landscape. His attention to detail in his art was so mesmerizing but also slightly manic. He would drive himself crazy if he missed something as trivial as a loose eyelash. After a while, she felt her body yearn for his touch.

“Peeta.”

“Hmmm?” From the looks of it, he was just finishing the outline of the forest and was beginning to fill in the finer details. It was breathtaking.

“Let's go home.”

“Oh, Katniss, I’m nowhere near finished.”

“Hey.” He finally looked up and caught her gaze, her eyebrows rising slightly. He caught on immediately.

“ _Oh_.”

“Race ya!” She was halfway down the tree before he packed up his things. He seemed more comfortable with the woods after their time in the air, his movements a bit more organized as he shimmied down to meet her. He lifted her over his shoulder the moment his feet reached the ground. She beat his back playfully and he smacked her ass in response.

“Peeta Mellark!” They were on the road in town now, their neighbors smiling and waving at them.

“Yes, Katniss Mellark?” She could hear the grin in his voice. It had been five years since their toasting, but it seemed that she would never get accustomed to her name adjoining his. Katniss always saw marriage as a couple scribbled signatures on a certificate. You can have all the joys and rewards that come with marriage without the title. But, she could not deny that something about their relationship changed after their toasting. She loved that he surprised her, not giving her fickle mind time to talk her out of the ceremony. The moment his burnt bread touched her lips, she felt so complete, filled with hope and happiness that she felt she could have exploded. They interacted differently, almost as if they were using the same organs. The pictures of them that adorned their home usually showcased identical expressions. She just felt… _happier_. He was hers in every possible way now. It was one less nightmare she had to endure.

When they made it back to the house the phone was ringing. Their phone rarely rang since they only received phone calls from Dr. Aurelius, her mother, Johanna, or Annie.

“Ignore it.” Katniss panted onto his wet lips. He responded by kissing her harder, snaking his tongue into her mouth as he picked her up and lead her up the steps. His shirt was on the floor the moment they passed the doorway and he was pinning her to the bed, her arms spread above her head. She laughed when she looked at the golden mane that she adored, decorated with a few stray twigs.

“You have twigs in your hair.”

“What?”

“You have twigs in your hair!”

“I’m trying something new. You like it?”

“Absolutely adore it.”

“How much?”

“I’d show you if you’d let me.”

“What, the great Katniss Everdeen can’t survive without her hands?”

“It’s _Mellark_. And I believe you rather enjoy what I can do with my hands.” He captured her lower lip with his teeth and she wanted nothing more than for him to free her hands so she could touch him.

The phone began to ring _again_. Peeta sighed and reached over her to answer much to her protest.

“Peeta, don— “

“Hello?” He sighed even louder and placed the phone back on the receiver and put it on speaker.

“I cannot _believe_ you two tried to ignore _me_! As if you two don’t fuck each other’s brains out enough already!” Katniss banged her head on the headboard at the sound of Johanna’s loud voice booming into the room.

“Hi, Johanna.”

“Don’t sound so irritated, brainless. I’ll make it quick so you can get back to buttering peg-leg’s breadstick.” She couldn’t help but smile, regardless of how irritated she was that Johanna was badgering them. Her rough charm was undeniable.

“What is it, Jo?” Peeta was sitting up against the headboard and Katniss rested her head on his bare chest.

“Well, I was talking to Annie and Mrs. Everdeen the other day and we were all wondering why the hell haven’t you two left that dreadful district yet?”

“What do you mean?” Peeta was running his hands through the end of Katniss’s braid and she found herself tuning Johanna out.

“Why haven’t you come to visit us in Four?” Now she had her attention.

“You know I’m not allowed to leave.” Katniss responded.

“Bullshit that was almost ten years ago, Katniss.”

“We have everything we need here.”

“Sure, but we would love to see you. And you guys have never seen Ty in person and god; he’s so big now. And your mom misses you Katniss.” Katniss caught Peeta’s eye for a moment and he shrugged his shoulders. “You know I won’t let it go so you might as well say yes.”

“At least let us think about it?” Peeta said. All these years later and he still had to be diplomatic about everything. Katniss rolled her eyes.

“Whatever. I’m calling you every day until you say yes. And don’t think about not answering.” As the call ended so did all the heat from a few minutes ago. 

“Sometimes I don’t know what to do with Johanna.”

“She has a point.” Peeta’s voice was quiet, almost inaudible.

“Oh, does she?”

“I mean…I’ve thought about it…Going on a vacation. It could be nice for us.” Katniss sat up and tried to take in Peeta’s gaze. He was looking at the comforter, avoiding the fire of her eyes.

“But _why_?”

“I don’t know…change of scenery?”

“What, you don’t like it here?”

“That’s not what I said, Katniss.”

“Why won’t you look at me?” He sighed and looked her in the eyes, annoyance was evident.

“Katniss, I love being here in twelve. I could never see myself living anywhere else. But there is nothing wrong with exploring the rest of the districts. The last time we left twelve the world was crumbling around us. I think it would be nice to see how the other districts are fairing. Look at how much Twelve is prospering! Don’t you want to see what we did? What _you_ did?” She thought for a moment. She would be lying if she said she never thought about what the other districts looked like now that there was peace. Her mother made Four sound so vivid and full of life during their conversations, so much so that she sometimes yearned for the sand between her toes. And she couldn’t deny that it would be wonderful to see Jo and her mother again. Sometimes, the sounds of their voices across the phone line were not enough to fill the longing in her heart. The yearning she felt for her mother and best friend were sometimes deeper than what the strong arms of her husband could push away, sticking her to the sheets of their bed for days.

“What about the bakery?” Peeta smiled at her weakly, shaking his head. Her stubborn nature seemed to only increase throughout the years.

“Rory and Haymitch can run that bakery without me for a little while.” That was true. Peeta took Rory on as his official apprentice a few months after he graduated from school. Peeta wanted to add his name to the bakery, but Rory refused him completely.

“I guess…I guess it couldn’t hurt.” His smile widened to his eyes and he leaned down to capture her lips. She felt herself smiling against him because it was impossible to not reciprocate when he was smiling like _that_.

* * *

Katniss pulled the collar of her jacket closer to her face as she slid closer to Peeta’s side and away from the window. He chuckled at her, which made her pinch his arm.

“Ow!”

“Stop laughing at me!”

“No one is laughing at you, Katniss.”

“You’re a liar.”

“Ok, maybe a little. You can’t tell me that it isn’t a little comical that you’re hiding from the window.”

“I did my time of being stared at against my will by strangers, thank you very much.” He placed a soft kiss on her cheek and returned to looking at the soft plains passing by the window. It always seemed that he knew something she didn’t. As if he was always in on a secret that allowed him to shake the fears away. After all these years Peeta Mellark managed to stump her. She looked around their train car and took in the faces around them. Everyone was minding their own business; either searching through the passing land out the window or reading or something of the like. She met the eyes of a little boy who seemed to be staring at her before she noticed him. His bright green eyes were bright and unsuspecting and he smiled at her. He tugged on his father’s shirt and motioned towards her. The man squinted at her; then his eyes grew wide with knowledge. Fear surged through her and the thought of every person in the car noticing and bombarding her sent her heart rate through the roof. Instead of announcing to everyone around them, the man brought three fingers to his lips and motioned towards her slightly and nodded his head. She nodded in reply with a soft smile and the man and child returned to their own devices.

There were so many things that man said to her in the small gesture and it gave Katniss a feeling of gratification she never thought she needed. He was thanking her, not only for ending the time of fear and tyranny but for allowing his little boy to live in a happier time. His young son would be able to frolic and be happy, no fear of starvation or Hunger Games to end his life before his due. It never really stuck with her that things were better because of what she and Peeta had done. The people of twelve saw them as kids who were thrust into an impossible situation, but this man and millions like him saw them as a savior. As hope. It was not something she was comfortable with, but it didn’t feel as…smothering knowing that her misfortune brought others peace. She would never be able to escape being the Mockingjay; that she was well aware of. Maybe one day she could be ok with that fact.

“Peeta?”

“Hmm?” His eyes were closed, his breathing even. She watched him for a moment, her frantic energy beginning to match with his steadiness.

“What we did…what we endured…it was all worth it. Real or not real?” His eyes opened and he looked at her, his brows furrowing at the mentioning of their morbid game. Even he didn’t know how to answer accurately.

“I think so…Yeah. Real.”

“I think so, too.”

* * *

“Oh, Katniss, honey you look great!” Her mothers was soft in her ear as she hugged her tightly. Katniss was fighting back tears of her own, the sheer fact that her mother was holding her becoming a bit much. When the embrace ended, she felt like a little child, wanting nothing more than to be enveloped in her mother’s arms for eternity. Her mother stepped over and hugged Peeta. It was evident that her arms were having the same effect on him.

“I am so glad you came! The sun will be good for you.” Katniss took her mother’s hand and squeezed. Peeta grabbed their bags and they left the station heading towards the parking lot.

“Four has become so modernized over the past years. Almost everyone owns a car now. I don’t like them much so if I can’t walk somewhere I have Johanna cart me around.” She pointed towards a small red convertible parked at the front of the station. Johanna’s spiky messy brown mane was blowing in the wind as she sat uncomfortably in the front seat. Katniss felt her hand slip from her mother as she sprinted towards the car.

“Johanna!” Her head shot up and she smiled brightly.

“Well hey there, brainless. I told you that you’d be dying to see me.” The tears were flowing without pause now, the sheer impact of all the joy inside her spilling over. She leaned into the car and hugged her.

“God, I missed you!”

“Yeah, I’d miss me, too. Where’s Peg Leg?”

“Wobbling behind you!” Peeta was at her side now and wrapped Johanna in his arms.

“How are you, Jo?”

“Pretty good, I have to say. Things are…good. Toss that shit in and let's get moving cause I am _starving_!” They did as they were told, knowing a hungry Johanna only exemplifies her snarky nature. Katniss took the front seat while her mom and Peeta crammed together in the back. It felt weird being in a car again, strange memories of being carted from the station at the Capitol to the training center drifting in the back of her mind. The car was silent most of the drive, the warmth and invigorating scent of salt in the air was enough for them. She was already glad she didn’t say no to this trip. It had been ten minutes and she already felt more at peace with the strong sun beaming over them. She looked over at Johanna to take in her friend and she realized something was different… _really_ different. The normally jaunt and strong ridges of her cheekbones were puffier, her entire face taking on a new roundness. The sharp muscles of her arms were flabbier as if she hasn’t worked out in months. Her eyes searched her body and she noticed the round bump creating distance between her and the wheel. Her mouth fell open at the realization. Johanna was…she was…

“Pregnant?” Katniss didn’t realize the word had shot out her mouth until the once calm air turned humid and uncomfortable with her destruction of the silence.

“What?” Peeta said from behind her leaning forward slightly. Johanna sighed in annoyance.

“Yeah. I got knocked up. I was gonna tell you guys back at the house.”

“You’re pregnant? Oh, Jo, that’s so great! I’m so happy for you!” She was glad Peeta was expressing joy for their friend because all Katniss could do was stare at the strange bump connected to her and feel fear and anguish. Johanna was like Katniss on the stance about children; they lived with the constant fear of their children being snatched from away as payback for defeating Snow’s regime.

“You couldn’t have told us over the phone?” Katniss’s voice was quiet. She had no idea how to handle this. She felt betrayed.

“I thought this would be more fun.” Johanna chuckled to herself. She turned her eyes to Katniss to figure out her reaction. Seeming to be disappointed, she turned back to the road. The silence for the remainder of the ride was far from the peaceful silence of before. When they were parked at her mother’s house, Katniss jumped out the car and nearly sprinted inside. She found the bathroom at the end of the hall and shut the door, staring at her reflection in the mirror. Katniss had always felt that she and Johanna were nearly exactly the same, Jo just being the more extravagant version. They believed in the same things, wanted the same things, felt nearly the same pain and loss…The selfish feeling of betrayal coursing through her veins was shocking her to her inner core. All these years with Peeta had made her more aware of her tendency to get angry. Starting to tame that constant feeling that everyone in the world had it out for her. He was making her better; at least she thought he was. She should be feeling jubilation for her friend to be taking this huge step forward and bringing life into the world. But she couldn’t help but feel trapped. Was Katniss expected to end the unwritten pact they made, too?

“Katniss?” The sound of her husband's voice outside the door made filled her with relief as she opened the door. He watched her for a moment before stepping inside.

“Tell me what you’re feeling.” He sat on the toilet and she sat in his lap. The proximity of his warm breath in her ear began to ease her.

“Johanna is _pregnant_.” The words felt foreign and wrong slipping past her lips.

“I know.”

“I just…we both…we never wanted kids.”

“People change. Things you think you didn’t want before can suddenly become appealing with time.” He didn’t mean for it to happen, but she could hear the longing in his voice. He was hoping this change would occur within Katniss, but they both knew better. She left the womb stubborn and sure in her decisions and she was no different almost twenty-seven years later.

“Not on something like this. You don’t just change your mind on children. Not after what we lived through. And who knew she was even dating? And why did no one tell me?”

“I know you hate hearing this, but the world doesn’t revolve around you, honey.” She punched his arm but he simply grinned, taking her hand and pressing it to his lips gently.

“I just don’t understand. None of this makes sense.”

“I know. Maybe it isn’t meant to make sense to you.”

“But you do. You understand.”

“I do. But I’m also not too stubborn to try to understand. Now come on. Your mother is asking for you and hasn’t seen you in seven years.” He planted a quick kiss on her cheek before guiding them out of the bathroom. Johanna and her mother were sitting on the deck, the breeze brushing their hair to their shoulders. They looked so peaceful and calm and Katniss couldn’t help but feel awful for causing a scene.

“Hey.” She said once they were on the patio. Jo turned to look at her and smiled weakly. Her hands were resting on her protruding belly comfortably.

“Hey.”

“Peeta, why don’t you come show me the right way to slice this cantaloupe? I always seem to do it wrong and it goes bad so fast.” Her mother said, already halfway inside the house. He squeezed her hand then followed her mother back into the house. She took the seat across from Jo that her mother had vacated.

“I guess this is the part where you yell at me for no reason, right?” Johanna didn’t turn her eyes from the soft waves as they met the shore.

“I don’t understand. Help me understand!”

“What, Katniss? I’m sorry to tell you this, but my decisions do not revolve around you!” Hearing someone remind her of her selfish nature for the second time today hit her in the gut. She often wondered why people kept her around if they knew how awful she was.

“I understand that. But…we were in this together, Jo. You are the only person on this earth who seemed to understand how I felt on things like that! And now…well, look.”

“I don’t need to look the kid is fucking punching _me_! I know he’s there!” She pushed herself out of the lounge chair and began to pace, her hand still on her stomach. The distress on her face was evident and Katniss could almost hear her heart pounding.

“Jo, are you alright?” Katniss jumped from her seat but Johanna raised a hand to silence her. She began to whisper to herself in a calm even voice, so soft that it was mesmerizing to even Katniss.

“Calm down sweet pea, we’re alright. You’re fine. Mommy is fine. We are always going to be fine. Always. Always. Always.” With each word, her face loosened until she took a deep breath and seemed to be calm again.

“I get a little panicked when the kid moves around. I have to remind myself just as much as the munchkin to cool it.” Katniss felt her mouth fall open slightly at the woman before her. This wasn’t the Johanna she had seen a few years ago, but a woman changed by circumstance and hope. A woman who refused to live in the past and let the fear run her existence. A woman who was free. Her glow was evident, the once permanent dark circles gone and wrinkles of stress turned to lines of laughter. She should have realized it when Johanna told her she was moving to Four to be near Annie and Ty. Johanna has conquered her fears by hurling herself into their depths, yet Katniss was still hiding.

“You’re different, Jo.”

“Good observation.”

“No, I mean…you’re better. I never realized any of it because I was too busy worrying about my own shit.” She shrugged.

“I don’t blame you for it. I just had to do some soul searching. Figure some shit out for myself. Make changes. I was sick of being scared all the time, ya know? Of holding myself back from shit I deserve. And it’s not like I never wanted a kid, I was just too scared to imagine myself as a mom. Afraid of the world snatching him away from me like they did everything else I love. But we always imagined freedom as a stupid fantasy too, ya know? And look where we are. I don’t know, I guess I just gave in. I’m not as strong in my convictions as you are, Katniss.”

“Maybe not, but you are definitely stronger than me. I still can’t imagine what you and Peeta went through and how you both managed to pick up the pieces.”

“We’re all fucked up. Different methods, but fucked up just the same.”

“But you both seem better off than I am; more willing to move on. It’s been nearly a decade and I still can’t say her name.”

“So what? You never move on from losing someone you love. Trust me. You just learn to function. And you have! What you and Peeta have together? It’s so beautiful. I’m not into the lovey-dovey shit, but I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t kill for a bond like what you two have.”

“What about…”

“There was a guy, obviously. When I first found out, I was too nervous to tell him. I cut it off. He still doesn’t know. I won’t say I’ll never see him again. I just…I need to do this on my own.” They looked at the setting sun quietly for a moment. Katniss’s mind was racing, so many thoughts and questions were circulating through her head.

“Jo?”

“Hmm?”

“He wants them. _So_ badly. He doesn’t say it but I know. It’s the way he looks at the kids as they walk home from school or when he can’t resist giving them free treats when they come with their parents to the bakery. He paints them, our kids. He tries to hide them from me but I always find them.” Peeta would try to hide certain paintings from her when he thought they could trigger her nightmares. Katniss was too nosy for her own good, and she would often sneak into the closet when he was at work. The first time she saw them, it took her breath away. Two girls, one with her hair and eyes and his smile, the other with one long blonde ponytail and stark blue eyes.

“He lies about his nightmares now and I know it’s because they are about losing those girls, and I just don’t know what to do. I can’t give him kids and he knows that but it doesn’t stop him from wanting them.”

“You keep saying you can’t as if someone or something is stopping you. What do _you_ want, Katniss?”

“I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do. You always know what you want you just refuse to acknowledge it. We have lived through entirely too much to live in fear of what if’s anymore. The world has crumbled around us yet here we stand. I’m scared shitless of ruining this kid, but that is what every parent feels, not just the victors. I can only do my best and hope that my best will be enough. For some reason, we were chosen to keep living so you might as do the things that scare you.” Katniss smiled weakly and leaned into her friend.

“Thanks, Jo.”

“It’s what I’m here for, brainless.”

* * *

“Tell me about the hospital.” Katniss realized she had not had any alone time with her mother since she arrived. They were lying in her mother’s bed, her soft arms steadying her as she rested her head on her chest.

“It’s going well! We just made ground on our new mental health branch and that will be open for business in about a year. I’m so glad they finally gave us funding for it. I’ve been pushing the concept for over four years now.”

“That’s so great, mom.” Katniss felt so safe in her mother’s embrace and she was so thankful for the peace it brought her. She spent so much of her life fighting her desire to be held and loved, especially by her mother. The forgiveness for all the abandonment of her childhood was coming slowly, and Katniss was glad to welcome it.

“I’m taking on fewer shifts on the floor to concentrate on some of the corporate work for the mental health ward. It’s different and definitely a bit more boring, but I love it.”

“I’m glad.”

“How is Twelve?”

“Twelve is great. So many people have come back. Old neighbors and even people from other districts. You would cry if you saw the town square, it is completely redone. So many new shops and markets. And the Seam has all new brick homes. It’s really beautiful.”

“That is so wonderful. I really wish I could see it.” The sadness in her mother’s voice drove Katniss to plant a soft kiss on her cheek. Over the years, she has grown more understanding of her mother’s pain and distress. She still could not wrap her head around how a mother could completely check out of her children’s lives, but she was all too familiar with the pain of losing the person who is your world. There wasn’t a day where her sister's face didn’t come to her mind. The pounding pain of her being gone was now a dull ache, but it still shook her. And Peeta…There was still fear, manifesting as a tight feeling in her chest, that would come when he walked out the door in the morning. It never really went away until she was in his arms at night.

“How are _you_?” Her mother asked.

“I’m alright. I could even say good. Peeta has done so much for me and my sanity I can’t even find the words. He just gives and gives and gives. I don’t understand how I got to keep him.”

“That’s love, sweetheart. I felt the same way about your father. No one seemed to understand how good merchant girl could run off with some Seam brat. But he was just so…kind and full of love. That man didn’t have a negative bone in his body.” Katniss watched her mother intently, soaking up every word. She has never heard her mother speak about her father in such an extensive manner. She looked almost lost in a memory, as if she could feel his arms lifting her into the sky, her eyes closed as if she could hear his song. “My goodness, don’t know what got into me.” She said quietly as she wiped a stray tear from her cheek.

“It’s ok. You’ve never talked about him before. Not like that.”

“I’ve never heard you speak about Peeta the way you just did, either. Guess we’re more similar than we like to admit.” Her mother ran her hand down her long braid softly and she wanted nothing more than to always feel this happy.

“Katniss, will you promise me something?”

“Sure.”

“Promise me that you won’t hold yourself back? Your entire life, even when you were a baby, you were always so thoughtful and concerned. You would never run through the meadow until you surveyed it to make sure it was safe or speak to someone without consent with me. Even if you had known them your entire life! It’s all about survival for you and I understand it, I really do, but things are different now. You don’t have to just survive anymore. You can _live_ and I want you to do that! Enjoy life. You have a husband who would move districts for you and I don’t want you to let all these wonderful years drift by because you were hell-bent on surviving. Promise me that you’ll live. Ok?” Before she could respond there was a soft knock on the door.

“Come in!” As if he knew they were talking about him, Peeta walked through the door, a small smile on his lips.

“Hope I’m not interrupting. I just wanted to check on you guys.” Katniss rolled her eyes, the goodness of that man bringing a smile to her lips.

“We’re fine. I was actually just kicking her out. I have to get up early for work in the morning.”

“You were?”

“Yes. Out, out, out!” She kissed her head and pushed her to the edge of the bed with a wink.

“Alright!”

“I’m glad we talked.”

“Me too.” When they were outside the door, Peeta scooped her up in his arms and took her to the guest cabin just adjacent to the house.

“I feel like I haven’t seen you all day.” He said into her neck as he placed a wet kiss there. She was lost in his lips and his traveling hands, her vocal cords tired from all the talking she had to do today. She wanted nothing more than to shut off her mind and let her husband ravish her in the many ways he was versed, but every time she closed her eyes, she saw the image of two little girls, one blonde and one brunette, and the sounds of their joyous laughter as they ran outside their bedroom door.

* * *

Seeing Peeta with Ty made Katniss’s heart suffocate with guilt. The moment they walked through the door to Annie’s house and that little boy sprinted into his arms, Peeta hasn’t allowed himself to be more than three feet away.

“I just cannot get over how great it is having you guys here!” Annie said as she sipped on her lemonade. Her voice was still small, but she seemed to be a bit more put together than when Katniss had last seen her.

“Yeah, we’re really enjoying the change of scenery.” They looked out to the water where Peeta and Ty were splashing around, all smiles and laughter. That tiny brown head of matted hair and the free blonde curls dancing in the cool water.

Katniss felt sick.

“He looks so much like him that it hurts to look sometimes.” Annie was drawing circles in the sand with her toes and her eyes were tracing the circles almost manically. She could see her eyes beginning to glaze over as her mind went to a happier place: a place where Finnick was beside her and their son. Katniss touches her hand softly and Annie snaps back instantly.

“Sorry.”

“Never apologize.” They shared a soft smile and watched the boys. “How do you do it?”

“What do you mean?”

“With Ty. How do you keep it together for him?”

“I would be a liar if I said that I was always 100%. There are times when I lose my grip on reality and forget that Finnick is gone and just…awful, awful things. But he just climbs into my lap and hugs me. That boy _is_ my sanity. I keep it together because I have him. Losing Finnick will always leave the biggest hole in my heart, but Ty is my everything. He filled the holes even Finnick could never mend.” Hearing those words and seeing the joy on Peeta’s face revealed emotions she had hoped to keep locked away. Annie’s words made _sense_ and it frightened her. Spending your entire life believing one thing and then growing to realize that that belief was false, shakes you to the core. Having children was selfish and reckless, which rang true with or without the Hunger Games. But, this generation of children could be happy and know better than those before them. So many little dandelions waiting to be picked and bring reassurance of hope.

When they were back at the house later that night, Katniss stood on the patio pondering the day. When his arms found their way around her waist she knew they had to have a conversation.

“Did you have a good day?” She asked him.

“A fantastic day, actually.”

“I’m glad.”

“It was so great seeing Annie. And Ty is such a terrific kid. She’s doing a great job with him.” His voice was so filled with joy. This was killing her.

“Yeah, she really loves him. It’s amazing how she has made that work.”

“Yeah. I guess that’s what you do when you have kids. You make it work no matter what.” She turned in his arms and placed her hands on both sides of his face. The joyous glow from earlier was still radiating in his eyes.

“You want them.” She whispered.

“Hmm?”

“Two girls: one with my hair and eyes another who looks so much like Prim yet is all you.”

“Katniss, what are you talking about?”

“I’ve seen them: In your paintings, in your eyes, in your dreams. I know you want them.”

“Honey, I never— “

“You don’t have to! Just because you don’t say it doesn’t mean you stop wanting it!” He took a step away from her. “Say it.”

“Katniss— “

“Say it. _Please_.” He looked past her at the never-ending ocean, then released a sigh.

“I want kids, Katniss.” Something about hearing the words escape his lips burned her heart and reaffirmed her inability to bring his desire to fruition.

“I…I can’t— “

“What is this? Why are you doing this?”

“I thought…I…I don’t— “

“Look, I know that children are not in your plan and that they never will be. I know that. I never asked. I know better than to ask. I was…I keep telling myself that I’ll get over it and it will be ok eventually and I know it will be because I have you. All I need is you. Ok? So why ask me that if you’re just going to tear me down? Why make me do that?”

“I don’t know! I thought…I don’t know, Peeta. I’m sorry.” He threw his hands in the air and stormed into the cabin. Her legs forced her forward. “Peeta!”

“What!” He stopped in his tracks and turned to her, tears falling down his face. Katniss had made a mess and she had no idea how to clean it up.

“Please don’t be mad at me.”

“How could I ever be mad at you, Katniss? I know what I got myself into. Loving you is a job and I never get a moment off, not even to be mad at you.”

“What does that fucking mean?”

“It means that I love you and I could never be mad at you, alright?”

“Tell the truth.”

“Leave it alone.”

“Tell the truth!”

“I said leave it alone!” The lamp on the table next to him was shattered on the floor in seconds, dimming the room. “Fuck!”

“If being with me is such a burden, the door is right there.”

“I’m not leaving you. I am not complaining about being with you. I was simply making a statement.”

“You think being with you is all rainbows and unicorns?”

“No! Jesus, Katniss just leave it alone! _Please_!” He went to the side closet and grabbed a broom and dustpan. As he swept up the lamp her anger continued to fester. She had no idea why she was angry. She took his heart and stomped on it for no reason, yet she was fuming as if he had hurt her.

“You’re making me feel guilty for something I cannot control.” He stopped sweeping.

“You think I am making you feel guilty for not wanting kids? Did you not hear a word I said?”

“I can’t help that the thought of having kids terrifies me! When I see what you see, I don’t see me in the image. I see you with these beautiful girls and they are so stunning and beautiful and perfect and you are just as perfect with them but I…I can’t do that. I can’t be someone’s mom. I wasn’t put here for that.”

“You know what your problem is, Katniss? You let your desire for everything to be the same keep you from reality. You don’t want kids and I get that. I respect that. I’m here. I have been here with you for almost ten years and I love _you_ and I am happy with _you_. I do not push you or guilt you or _ask_ you about the topic because I already know the answer. You want to be the victim. You want me to coddle you and understand your reasoning and I… I can’t. I don’t understand your reasoning. I really don’t. I lost everything. I lost _more_ than everything. Johanna lost everything and so did Annie and your mom and the entire country. There is no more room to be the victim. Don’t lean back on excuses. Own up to it. We aren’t sixteen anymore. You don’t want kids. Fine. End of story.” He picked up the dustpan and walked out the room leaving Katniss completely stunned. Was it his words, the vitriol behind them, or the honesty and reality of them that had her ears ringing? She didn’t know how to feel or how to digest his words because…well, he’s never spoken to her like that before. He was always honest with her, lying was something they outlawed when they first came together. But his words were always soft and gentle, honest but without harm. She was the brutally honest one, so honest that sometimes it would hurt. But he would just smile, nod, and say, “ _You’re right, Katniss_.”

She walked to the bedroom to find him sitting on the edge of the bed. His head was in his hands and he was talking to himself.

“Do you hate me?” He spread his fingers so he could see her.

“Why aren’t you understanding the words I am saying?”

“You have never talked to me like that, Peeta. I don’t understand how…What do you want from me? Tell me what you want and I’ll do it.”

“You still don’t realize the effect you have on people, even after all these years. Every time you doubt that I love you it kills me inside. I love _you_. I would not be here if it were not for _you_. I could never love anything or anyone more than you. Come here.” She took the spot next to him on the bed and curled into his side. Her chest began to heave with sobs. He continued to whisper, “I love you” into her ear over and over. As she cried into his chest, the words of her mother floated into her mind.

_“Promise me you won’t hold yourself back. Promise me that you’ll live.”_

She never had a chance to reflect on what her mother meant, but now it seemed to settle on her. Johanna stopped holding herself back. Everyone around her was making the decision to live and be happy but her. It would take her a while, but in her heart, she could almost feel the freedom seeping through. All the things she refused to let herself want slowly finding a voice inside her. It could take a few months, maybe even years, but she was deciding right here and now that she would at least try.

“Ask me next year.” Her voice was quiet from the intensity of her episode, but it was sure.

“What?”

“Ask me again next year. I…I want to think about it. I want to get comfortable with the idea. I think…maybe one day…Just, not today. Next year. Ask me next year.” She sat up and looked into those eyes that provided her with so much assurance and safety. The look in his eyes was so hopeful, and she knew in her heart she was doing the right thing.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.” As they lay there waiting for sleep to take them, Katniss felt a lightness on her heart. She was taking a chance just as Peeta did when he trusted her and climbed her tree. Nothing was definite but things were changing at a pace she felt she could accept. She was thankful for the sound of the waves beating the shore, sending her into a restful slumber.


	4. Changes

There was something about the day of his own birth that put Peeta in a bad mental space. He was such a festive person and loved any reason to celebrate, but when it came to him he shied away from it. Maybe it was all the awful memories of forgotten birthdays and reprimands of his childhood that just never went away with time. Maybe it was the old reminder that he was one year closer to becoming a possible fallen victor, or so many years away from being free of it. Whatever it was, he loathed his birthday and this year was no different. Being married to a woman like Katniss was perfect for these situations seeing as she was not one to be fond of over the top celebrations. She understood his disdain for his name day and never did anything to push a party or gathering. She would always do something, but something simple like making him his favorite meal for dinner and attempting to bake him a cake. It was always something so sincere and so _Katniss_ and it would warm his heart beyond comprehension.

“Happy birthday, old man,” Katniss said against his lips that morning. The windows were open and the soft fall air floated through the curtains.

“I was hoping you would forget.”

“You should know better. I don’t forget anything.”

“You certainly don’t.” He pulled her closer to him and took a whiff of her hair, the smell of lavender strong on her damp locks. “You showered already.”

“Thought you’d like to see me decent when you woke up for once. My special gift to you.”

“I love you all sleepy-eyed and gunky and gross.”

“Shut up.” She pressed her lips to his softly and ran her fingers through his messy mane. “I hope you don’t plan on going to the bakery today.”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“Peeta, it’s your birthday.”

“Just another day.”

“Let’s spend the day together. We can go to the meadow or to the lake?”

“Katniss, that would be reckless for me to take the day off just because I happened to be born today.” She sighed in disappointment.

“At least let me make you breakfast.”

“That, I can do.” He kissed her nose before she jumped from the bed and out the door. He turned on his back and traced the cracks in the ceiling. He would love nothing more than to stay home from the bakery today and be with his wife, but he was expecting an important call at his office. This year he was granting himself a present; a vasectomy. Eight years had passed since Katniss first told him to ask her again about having children, and each time the same response was given, “Ask me next year.” She was dragging him along, giving him false hope when she knew the response would never change. It was insanity, asking and asking and hoping for new results. So, he decided to keep his sanity and answer the question permanently. This way, they would never have to worry about a mistake or even have the option there. This was permanent and absolute. The nightmares were becoming too real and starting to resemble the episode laced one he had all those years ago when he nearly killed Katniss. He loved her, that would never change, but he had to end the runaround. He couldn’t keep holding onto a dream that would never appear. So, today he was expecting a call from the medical center to confirm his appointment for tomorrow. He told them to make sure to call his office at the bakery and _not_ the house so that Katniss did not find out. He would tell her once it was done so that she couldn’t talk him out of it or, worse, blame herself.

After he took a quick shower and dressed for the day he went downstairs and was greeted by the delicious smell of French toast.

“Katniss, it smells amazing in here.” He walked into the kitchen and was stopped in his tracks when he saw her leaning over the stove, nothing but a black lace baby doll adorning her body. She turned around, a plate stacked with French toast in her hand and a seductive smile on her lips.

“Hope you like cinnamon.” She knew anything cinnamon and _her was_ his weakness. She placed the plate on the counter and sauntered over to him slowly.

“Katniss…”

“Take the day off.”

“I—I—I—“

“You what?” She was in front of him, hands on his chest. She took her lower lip beneath her teeth and he felt his knees buckle.

“I have to go in.”

“Says who?”

“Where did you even get this?” He touched the lace, his hands trembling. She was seducing him and he was losing the game.

“Stay.”

“Just for breakfast.”

“Work half a day.”

“Okay.” She smiled and pulled him to her lips. “Fuck French toast. I want you for breakfast.”

* * *

Katniss felt lightheaded with delight as she cleaned the kitchen from the events of the morning. She was still scrubbing syrup residue from the walls, wondering how it even got there. She was still irritated that her efforts did not keep Peeta home the entire day, but he promised to be home by five and she had to be content with that. He wouldn’t let her pamper him completely; his need to always be pleasing others was always extraordinarily strong on his birthday. Her legs were still shaky from the multiple times he sent her over the edge with his mouth and she wanted nothing more but to return the favor when he walked through that door.

More importantly, she wanted to tell him what she had been hiding from him the last month. She hadn’t found the right time to tell him and she was afraid of what putting the secret actions into words would mean. Eight years; that was how long she had been stringing him along about having children. She couldn’t bring herself to say no, but wasn’t ready to say yes. Every year the shattered look that would cross his face when she told him to wait another 365 days took a piece of her resolve. The more they grew and learned together, the more she leaned towards that yes. Seeing Johanna and her son, Erez, and how happy she was with him ripped at her even more. Johanna was a completely different person now, her snarky nature not gone but certainly subdued. She was so much more patient, more understanding, and mild-tempered. Erez was exactly what she needed, and Katniss could not deny she loved seeing the boy. He was sweet but filled with energy. She was overwhelmed with fear when she first met him and saw his steely grey eyes. She felt betrayed when Johanna had failed to tell her who his father was but felt foolish. Gale was a blip in her past and it wasn’t like she was going to see him.

The sound of the phone ringing snatched Katniss from her thoughts. She ran to the living room to fetch the phone, the only person who would call her at this time of day would be Annie.

“Hello?”

“Is this the Mellark residence?”

“Yes, who is speaking?”

“Hi, this is the medical center, we were told to contact Mr. Mellark at his office but we received no response so the next number was for his residence.”

“Well this is his residence, but why is the medical center calling? Is there something wrong?”

“No, Mrs. Mellark, we are just calling to confirm his appointment for tomorrow.”

“Appointment for what?”

“I am not at liberty to disclose that, ma’am. Patient–doctor confidentiality.”

“I am his wife. We don’t have secrets.” The woman on the other end of the phone sighed, probably realizing this was a battle she could not win.

“Confirming his appointment for a vasectomy, ma’am.”

“ _What_?” Katniss felt like the air had been knocked from her lungs. A _vasectomy_? That meant…Peeta was going…

“Just confirming what is on the sheet, ma’am.”

“Cancel it.”

“Ma’am, you don’t—“

“I said _cancel it_.” She slammed the phone into the receiver and began to pace the room. She did this. She drove him to think that there was no chance for children. She kept dangling hope in front of him then snatching it away when he was close enough to touch it. He felt he couldn’t tell her and that hurt her more than the act itself. She was no longer worthy of his trust.

She sat on the couch and anticipated the clock striking five. She had no clue what words would escape her when Peeta came home, but she knew the conversation would be far from pretty. Always a man of his word, she saw him walking up the street at 4:59. The wave of emotions that were filling her could not keep a smirk from finding her lips. Nothing could ever deny the true goodness of her husband. A man like that deserved a child.

“A promise is a promise.” He said to her as he placed his jacket on the coat rack. “Rory and Haymitch were practically pushing me out the door from the moment I walked in, so I guess I had help in keeping my day short.” Katniss could not formulate the words in her mind, her throat drying completely. She was so nervous and for the life of her could not figure out why.

“Peeta, what did we promise each other? The very first thing we promised each other when you got back to twelve and we started talking again?”

“To never keep secrets. To always be honest with each other.”

“Do you think we’ve done a good job with that?”

“I like to think so, yes. Why? Katniss, what’s wrong?”

“The medical center called here this afternoon.” His face fell immediately and he ran his hand through his hair in his nervous motion.

“Fuck. They were supposed to call the office.”

“A _vasectomy_ , Peeta? Seriously? Did you think I wouldn’t notice? Or find out? What were you thinking?”

“Were? Katniss, I’m still doing it.” It was like he was punching her in the gut, over and over. She couldn’t seem to keep air in her lungs longer than a second.

“ _Why_?”

"I’m going insane, Katniss. I…I’m doing this for myself. Even if you finally said no…it’s too much.”

“You didn’t even ask me.” Katniss was surprising herself at how hurt she felt. Maybe it was because she was finally finding support of what he has wanted for so long and now he was jumping ship.

“I thought you would be happy about this.”

“Peeta, I didn’t renew my shot.” He stood there quietly pondering what her response meant. When it resonated, his eyes shot open wide.

“Excuse me?”

“I was due for my next birth control shot and I didn’t go. I cut it off.”

“When was this?”

“A month ago.”

“Jesus, Katniss, why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t know! I was scared! It was random I just decided to not get it. And I didn’t want to retract. I wanted to think about it and I don’t know…I wanted to tell you in some stupid romantic way. I was being stupid.”

“Do you have any idea…Katniss, I was going to get a _vasectomy_!”

“Neither of us has been doing a good job of upholding promises these days, it seems.” Peeta moved to sit next to her on the couch and began twiddling his thumbs.

“I guess we haven’t.”

“No more secrets?”

“No more.”

“For the record, you wanting to be romantic is not stupid. It’s cute and so un-you.”

“Shut up.”

“So…what does this mean?”

“Well, they told me that the moment I stop taking it I can…well, you know.”

“So this entire month?”

“Yep.” They basked in the silence for a moment; a feeling of something still going unsaid hanging in the air.

“Katniss?”

“I’m late.” His face seemed to turn to stone. She was never late and she was always conscious of when her cycle was due. She was due three days ago, which is when she really began to realize how big her decision to turn down the shot was.

“W-w-what?”

“I’m three days late. I know it’s really early but you know I’m never late. The doctor told me it could be a while until everything synched up but…Peeta, I don’t know.”

“Katniss, I want you to say it out loud. Make this real.”

“I’m afraid to say it.” He took her hand in his and squeezed slightly. She could feel him shaking under her grasp. “I’m afraid to admit that…that I want to have a baby.” She felt dizzy with the revelation but her heart felt light that she had made the feelings she had suppressed her entire life free. “Not just any baby. Peeta, I want to have _your_ baby. A little Mellark. Perfect and kind and so purely good. Just like you. I want to give this to you because you deserve a child.” She felt the moisture from his eyes hit where their hands were joined and could feel the sob fighting at the back of her throat.

“Are you sure? I want you to be so completely sure. I don’t want you to feel pressured or that you are doing this just for me because—“

“I do. I am so sure. I want this. For so long I have but I was too afraid. I still am afraid but… She…Prim would have wanted this. I can feel her shaking her head at me, reprimanding me for taking this long. She always knew what I was capable of before me…I’m ready. I want this. Hell, I might not have a choice now.” They smiled through their tears and he pulled her into his arms and squeezed tightly.

“I love you so much.”

“You know I love you, Peeta. God, what are we gonna do if I’m already knocked up?”

“I don’t know, but I hope you aren’t. Trying is the best part.”

“Well, we better not waste time. You aren’t getting any younger.”

“Watch it. I’m not the one who found a grey hair the other day.” She gasped and punch him in the leg, causing him to yelp in pain.

“You are going to pay for that, Mellark!”

“Looking forward to it.” She straddled his lap and took his face in her hands. “Thank you. Katniss, this…this is more than I could ask for.”

“Happy birthday.”

* * *

“Wipe that stupid smile off your face, boy. You’re scaring away customers!” Haymitch spat at him as he passed by with a tray of fresh snickerdoodle cookies to place in the display case. Peeta could not contain the joy that was constantly in his spirit these days. They discovered quickly that her late-cycle was just a side effect of her body getting used to not having the birth control. When they found out, he was afraid she would go back on her decision, but she simply smiled at him and said, “ _Looks like we’ve got work to do.”_ He couldn’t stop thinking about Katniss and the possibility that at any moment she could become pregnant with his child. He was constantly pinching himself, blinking furiously to make sure nothing around him was shiny or glimmering. His jaw was constantly sore from smiling so much.

“Sorry, Haymitch! It’s just such a beautiful day! Can’t not smile.”

“It’s pouring rain outside. You’re up to something. I know you too well.” Peeta simply shrugged his shoulders and went into his office to check the list of orders he had start before the day ended. Since it was raining, the customers were few and far between today, making it the perfect day to get ahead. His desk was littered with orders and he suddenly felt overwhelmed. It was hard for him to admit that he has been less than attentive to the bakery these days, becoming a bit too dependent on Rory to keep the ball rolling. He was so thankful to have him as a co-partner in running the bakery, but at the end of the day, it was Peeta’s name on the moniker.

“Shit.”

“Everything alright?” He turned in his chair to see Katniss standing in the doorway, her hair all pulled to one side but free from her braid.

“Now it is.” She rolled her eyes, closed the door, then sat in his lap.

“It’s too damp to hunt and I refuse to be in that house alone on a day like today. Give me something to do.”

“I have an idea.” His hands found the hem of her jacket and slid underneath the leather to find her warm skin. She chuckled.

“Peeta, you are on the clock. Besides, I’m still spinning from this morning.”

There was no denying that Peeta’s hunger for Katniss has only increased since learning she could become pregnant. It was like every moment he was in her presence the thought of not taking her drove him to near insanity. Every little thing she would do would drive his libido to full speed. This morning he noticed her brushing her teeth as he was getting ready for work. He could see her bent over the sink through the mirror and he felt that heat spread within him. When she walked out and met his gaze, she knew instantly and it wasn’t long before he had her pinned against the door, her body hitting the knob so hard that the door flew open sending their bodies to the floor. But that didn’t stop them.

“Give me a reason to organize all these orders.”

“Because your name is on that bakery window and I will not have us trying to bring a child into this world when his father is a deadbeat.”

“His?” A light blush brushed over her cheeks as she avoided his eyes. “You’ve actually thought about this, huh?”

“Maybe a little.”

“Katniss, it’s okay.”

“I don’t want to get my hopes up but I can’t help it. Your tendency for fantasy has rubbed off on me and I don’t like it.”

“A boy could be wonderful.”

“Peeta, I don’t want to do this right now.”

“He could have your hair? And your eyes, so strong and powerful.”

“Peeta.” She sighed and rolled her eyes before smiling. “I want him to have your curls. You know I love your curls.” She ran her fingers through his mane for emphasis.

“My curls but your color?”

“Your eyes. I want him to have your everything. He must take after you in every way. You are so much better than me, always have been. I want the kid to be just like you.”

“Looks like we’re going to be battling on this one. I want him to be just like you.” They smiled at each other and sat in the silence, thinking about the child they imagined together. It was clear they both had their own images and dreams of who their child could be, but this was the first time they had done this together and it was a sobering experience. He felt her body grow rigid.

“What if I can’t—“

“Don’t do that, Katniss.”

“We’ve been trying for five months, six if you count the first month I was off the birth control. Nothing has happened. What if we waited too long? What if we can’t…What if the war ruined me and I can’t give you this?”

“Katniss, we have to be patient. Babies don’t just appear. If we are meant to have kids we will. If we do I will be the happiest man alive, if we don’t I will _still_ be the happiest man alive. In both scenarios, I still have _you_.”

“Even in the grave, Snow is still stealing from us. It’s like no matter how long we live or how hard we convince ourselves that we are happy, he’s still taunting us!” Katniss left his lap and began pacing the office. Her demeanor was changing and changing fast.

“Katniss, honey, come here.”

“I need some air.”

“Stay with me.”

“I can’t breathe in here.”

“Katniss—“

“I need to go, Peeta!” Her voice was stern and loud, so much that he was taken aback. His heart was pounding in his chest at the inevitable scenario unfolding before him. There was never going to be a baby in his arms: not in this lifetime.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered as she hauled the door open and sprinted out the bakery. It was strange to him, how quickly the joy in his life could revert to the lowest levels of miseries in milliseconds. Since he was a child he was told that his imagination was too active. Constantly creating moments of pure perfection in his mind, regardless of living in a less that perfect world. He saw the goodness and the potential in all situations; a blessing but more of a curse. A life filled with letdowns and unmatched expectations plagued him, an existence he assumed would be forever changed when Katniss came into his life permanently. She was complicated and more than he could have ever invented in his mind, but when she shut him down it would burn deep into his soul. She was his perfection and his light, but she could so easily bring in the dark.

No matter how hard you wish some things just couldn’t become tangible.

* * *

Six weeks and he couldn’t look at her. Or wouldn’t. Or maybe she was just unable to look at him and that made her assume he was dealing with the same conflict. They never said the words aloud but it was pretty much set that they were done trying to have a baby. Katniss wouldn’t let him near her and did her best to stay in the woods until it became too dark to manage. Peeta stayed at the bakery until the town square was basically deserted and went to bed around the time she would return home. It couldn’t even be considered tiptoeing around each other because they were never within the same vicinity. Katniss knew it was all her fault and was making her sick with the fact. Most days she could barely leave the bed before the late afternoon, her only motivation away from sleep the only thing she could give Peeta these days: space. She was barely eating even though Peeta constantly begged her. Nothing she ate would stay down and every little smell irritated her. It was even hard to be in her woods some days, the natural smell of pine and fresh dew unsettling her stomach.

Today was one of her worse days, her bones fatigued from lack of food and need of more sleep. Even her breasts were bringing her agony, her attempts to put on her shirt that late morning nearly bringing her to tears. She couldn’t put her finger on the symptoms, the only plausible explanation in her mind was karma for shattering the one person who has done nothing but raises her up. The rare occasions she could bring herself to look him over, the wounded look on his face would send her away instantly. She told him yes, engaged him in the fantasy for so long and then snatched it away. Over and over and over she tried to find a reason or an adequate excuse and there just were none left. The life he imagined filled with loud little feet running around and laughter filled trips to the lake and warm nights snuggled together on the couch with the soft summer breeze caressing them was gone now, and she did that. A life of silence was destined for them, rigid nights in the same bed yet feeling miles apart; the occasional moment of weakness where her hands will slide under the sheet, his body giving her an indication of a need that his heart no longer held for her.

When Katniss walked into the kitchen that afternoon she was shocked to see Peeta there, taking a pan out the oven. She averted her eyes as he stood up and faced her.

“W-what are you doing here?” She said quietly, her eyes glued to the floor.

“I live here, Katniss.”

“Um…I’ll go.” The smell of the pecans and cinnamon baking inside the bread made her mouth salivate slightly. She has had a desire for pecans as of late and the mere thought of them made her heart flutter.

“Why won’t you look at me?”

“What?”

“If I didn’t have them ingrained in my mind, I would forget what your eyes look like. Six weeks, Katniss. Why won’t you look at me?” Slowly she raised her head. He was leaning on the counter, that permanent wounded look on his face.

“It hurts too much. To see you like this.”

“Like _what_?”

“Destroyed! I…I destroyed you.”

“What, the kids thing? How many times have I told you that none of that matters?”

“I told you and you were so happy and I just…I couldn’t, Peeta.”

“I understand—“

“No! Stop saying that you understand! That you don’t care about it because you so clearly _do_! This meant the world to you, Peeta. I know that I’m not enough. I can’t fill that ache in your soul anymore.” This time he averted her stare, his jaw clenching and unclenching steadily.

“You didn’t even give it a chance. Six months and you gave up. When Delly and Tucker were trying for Hannah, it took them nearly two years! You gave up. The Katniss I know, the Katniss I _love_ never gives up; especially when it’s something she cares about. But I could get over that and live, I honestly could, but you shut me out. You shut down and refused to let me in, and that hurt so much. We promised each other that we would never do that again and you _did_. I feel like I can’t trust you!” Tears were falling down her face no matter how hard she tried to fight them. This was the first time they had really spoken to each other in so long and she wanted nothing more than to run into his broad arms and drown in the cinnamon laced scent of his skin.

“You’re right, Katniss. You broke us. You made us like this. For the first time in my life…for the first time I don’t know who you are. I look at you and it’s like I’m looking at a stranger.”

“Peeta—“

“I don’t know how to fix this!” He yelled. There was so much pain in his voice. She thought she would drown in the depths of it.

A loud frantic knock on the door made them both jump.

“Shit, they’re here early,” Peeta said under his breath.

“Who?”

“Don’t tell me you forgot Johanna and Erez were coming to stay for two weeks?”

“ _What?_ ”

“Aunty Kat! Uncle Peeta! Open the door!” The excited soft voice of their godson seeped through the front door as a confirmation. The memory of the phone call a few weeks ago entered her mind.

“This conversation can’t be over.” He said to her as he walked past her to the door. The boy was in his arms in seconds, bringing the joy she hasn’t seen in weeks back to her husband’s face.

“Hey, man! You’re getting heavy.”

“Uncle Peeta! Put me down!” Katniss walked over them in the living room where Johanna was watching with a wide smile in the doorway.

“Hey, Brainless. Why the long face?” Peeta placed Erez back on the ground and he bounded over to Katniss.

“Aunty Kat! Aunty Kat! Do you have any treats for me?” She kneeled to look into those wide steel eyes and felt the seams of her heart ripping apart. Those eyes were so familiar they could almost be her own staring back at her. “You look sad.”

“Katniss?” She felt it coming up in the back of her throat, quickly and without warning.

“I’m gonna be sick.” She managed to make it to the sink before the minty nothingness escaped her. The first week of this, his warm gentle hand would rub circles on her back. There was no chance of that intimacy now.

“It feels like a warzone in here. What the hell is happening?”

“Mom, you said a bad—“

“Ez, I am very aware, thank you. Should I take him for a few hours? I know we’re early but—“

“I’ll take him for a walk. Settle in.” Peeta took the small hand and practically sprinted out the house. Katniss watched as their hands swung in the soft late summer sun.

“Katniss, what the hell is going on?”

“I haven’t seen him smile in months.”

“Jesus, your tits are huge.” Katniss slid to the floor, her head resting on the edge of the still warm oven.

“I think it’s over, Jo.”

“Katniss, you look like shit. How long have you been sick?”

“I finally did it. I finally pushed him to the limit. I never thought I actually would.”

“Are you sleeping a lot?”

“What’s with the fucking Q&A?”

“I’m serious Katniss. Answer my questions.”

“I’ve been sick for a month or so. I sleep all day and only go in the woods to avoid seeing Peeta. I want to eat everything but can’t keep anything down. My entire body hurts all the time. I’m losing my husband.” A wide smile spread across Johanna’s face and anger spread through her.

“Katniss—“

“What the fuck is funny?”

“Are you pregnant?”

“ _Excuse me_?” She jumped up and walked out the door to the back patio. Johanna was right on her heels.

“I’m being serious.”

“Is that supposed to be a joke?”

“Katniss, I lived it. I know it when I see it.”

“That would be impossible. We haven’t…I wouldn’t let him…It’s just not possible, Jo.”

“What the fuck is going on around here?”

“We were…we were trying for a baby. We tried for about six months and nothing. I freaked out and pushed him away because I can’t have kids. I literally cannot. The war and the stress and everything have just ruined me and it’s not fair for him to be stuck with me because I can’t give him what he wants. I finally broke him, Johanna, and I am so scared.”

“Hey.” Her arms were around Katniss instantly and she broke down in her embrace. “For starters, I think it is so great that you guys are trying. After all these years, he finally got through to you.”

“Yeah and look where it got us.”

“Six months isn’t a very long time, all things considered.”

“I just couldn’t stop thinking about all the negative tests and the look on his face each time.”

“Why don’t we go to the clinic and have them test you? I think it would really be beneficial, Katniss.”

“Johanna, I am not pregnant! It isn’t possible!”

“Yeah I thought the same thing and now I have a five-year-old.”

“You didn’t plan Erez.”

“Why do you always have to punish yourself? You two need each other.”

“Even if I could be pregnant…what would that do? We can’t just go back to the way we were.”

“That is true, but you two always figure out how to put yourselves back together. Come on.”

* * *

Katniss found herself bouncing uncontrollably as she sat on the examination table, Johanna eyeing her nervously. They were waiting for the doctor to come back with her results and she was doing her best to breathe deeply to keep from heaving up the nothingness in her stomach.

“Katniss, breathe.”

“I’m trying.”

“Everything is going to fine.”

“Sometimes I miss the old Johanna. Ya know, the one who would just tell me to chill the fuck out and get a grip.” Johanna shrugged her shoulders.

“That kid made me soft.” She smiled to herself at the thought of her son. She loved him so intensely that it scared Katniss sometimes. Would she feel the same way about her child? If she could have one?

“I told Peeta to leave, once.”

“What?”

“It was when we came back to Four for Ez’s second birthday? I could just feel the happiness from him when he held Ez. It was so nauseating because I just knew I could never give him that. So, I told him to go find someone nicer than me, and prettier. Someone who could give him kids. Someone who deserved him. Maybe now he’ll finally do that.”

“What did he say to you?”

“He got so angry at me. He left and didn’t talk to me for nearly a day. When he finally got over being mad he came up to me and looked me right in the face and said ‘Your name is Katniss Mellark and it is staying that way. Try to get rid of me again and I’ll shoot you right through the eye’ and he walked away. That man couldn’t shoot a squirrel if it was sitting on a branch right in front of him asking for death. But…it did something to me. I think that was the first time I actually started thinking about having a kid— _his_ kid.”

There was a knock on the door and Dr. Hues walked in with a smile on her face.

“Mrs. Mellark! It is so nice to finally have you in my office.”

“Um…thank you.”

“Cut to the chase, Doc. She knocked up?” Katniss smiled at the glimpse of her feisty friend’s impatience. Dr. Hues looked at Katniss and her smile grew.

“Congratulations, Katniss. You’re pregnant!” The room began to spin and everything went silent. The words were replaying in her mind, _“You’re pregnant. You’re pregnant. You’re pregnant”_. She looked down at her stomach and imagined a human being inside her. She wanted to pass out.

“Are you sure?”

“Your blood work came back positive. I made sure we ran it a few times to be sure. You are about nine weeks along which explains your symptoms. Morning sickness and fatigue, your breasts growing and being extremely tender. All side effects of the first trimester.”

“Told you, Brainless.”

“What does this _mean_?” The older woman, no older than her mother, placed her hand on her shoulder and squeezed lightly.

“It means you and Peeta are having a baby.”

* * *

She walked through the woods, sending Johanna back to the house so she could be alone. She kept pressing her hand to her belly to make it real, but she just didn’t feel anything. Just a desire to shovel pecans into her mouth, which she guessed was a side effect of the person inside her. _Inside her_ : the thought made her a little dizzy and she had to lean against a tree for a few moments. She was heading to the log she always went to when she needed to think. The place she hid her father’s bow and quiver all those years. Where she would meet her former best friend and confidant. This log represented her past in more ways than one.

“You look like shit, Catnip.” The familiar bass of that voice stopped her in her tracks. She was so distracted she didn’t notice his footsteps behind her. Or maybe he still held that effortless stealth of his youth.

“What are you doing here?” She refused to turn and see him. Part of her was hoping he was an illusion brought on by the stress of the day.

“My kid is here. It makes sense for me to be as well, don’t you think?”

“You never made an appearance when they visited before.”

“Just because you didn’t see me doesn’t mean I was not here.” Katniss often forgot that he was Rory’s older brother and Hazelle’s son. The Gale of today had no ties to District Twelve in her mind.

“Why now? I haven’t seen you in fifteen years, Gale.”

“Would you look at me?”

“No.”

“Still stubborn as ever, I see.”

“Haven’t changed much.”

“We both know that isn’t true.” His words lit a fire in her and she turned in a flurry. He was the same as she remembered, save more grey hair and lines from the stress of running the military in the Capitol. His eyes were still that harsh steel, but they seemed slightly softer. She imagined Erez being the cause of that.

“You don’t know anything about me and I don’t know anything about you.”

“Come on, Katniss.”

“The Gale I knew would never send bombs over unsuspecting children!” His face fell as she hurled the memory at him. Fifteen years and the wound still felt like yesterday. “My _sister_ — “

“I always knew you blamed me. For a while I blamed myself. But I learned to forgive myself. I was a kid and I was stupid and I know that is no excuse for the lives that were taken because of my stupid anger, but I had to forgive myself. I wouldn’t be here right now if I didn’t. But you never did.”

“How could I ever forget something like that? Everything I did, I did for her! And you stole her from me! You were supposed to keep her safe!”

“I know.”

“You were all I had and you abandoned me.”

“I know.”

“Fifteen years, Gale. Why now?” He looked her over for a moment and ran his hands through his hair.

“I have a _son_ , Katniss. I have a beautiful boy who is just so _pure_ and I love him more than I have ever loved anything in this world. Sometimes when I look at him I think of Prim—“

“Don’t you dare say her name.”

“Just listen, Katniss! I look at him and I think of Prim and how similar they are. Her innocence and how caring she was. Then I think of Posy and how beautiful she is now that she is grown up and how unfair it is that my little sister got to live and I stole yours away. The world we live in is so dark, Katniss, but I don’t want my kid to inherit any of that. I don’t know, I just felt like now was as good a time to…atone.” Katniss wanted to scream and punch and hurt him so badly. Her knuckles were sore from clenching so hard into a fist. But something about his words felt…ok. Maybe it was the time that had passed or the stupid newfound understanding she inherited from Peeta; maybe it was the impending fact that soon she would be a mother to a child of her own.

“Okay.”

“What?”

“I understand. I can’t say I forgive you but…I understand. I accept your words.”

“So what does this mean?” 

“It means that you don’t have to hide at Rory’s when you are in town anymore. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll open the mail you send me.” A soft smile spread on his lips and she couldn’t help but smile back. The strange feeling she felt in the depths of stomach all these years was poking at her and she realized she had missed him. He was her best friend during all the strife they went through. They walked the rest of the way to the log and sat down in silence for a few moments. They needed to become readjusted to being around each other again. The calm silence was refreshing.

“So are you and Johanna, like…”

“Together?” He chuckled to himself. “I like to think so. I travel a lot for work, but when I’m free I’m with her and Ez back in Four. She makes me happy.”

“I was really angry at her for not telling me about your relationship. She’s my best friend and you _were_ my best friend. I felt pretty betrayed.”

“Yeah, I assumed so. By the way, when you said you haven’t changed, I hope you know that you’re wrong.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Well for starters, the old Katniss wouldn’t have given me the time of day. Secondly, the old Katniss wouldn’t be married.” Her eyes went to the simple pearl adorned ring on her finger and she felt her cheeks blush. “Who’s the lucky guy?”

“Do you even have to ask?” He watched a squirrel race up a tree ahead of them and sighed.

“I guess I just want to hear it from your lips.”

“As if you haven't been keeping tabs on me all these years.”

“Don’t change the subject.”

“I married Peeta, Gale. Are you actually surprised?”

“I am. Seeing as he was what Snow wanted. And tried to kill you. More than once.”

“Don’t do that. You have no idea what we went through to get where we are now. It was always going to be him.” He scoffed.

“So I never had a chance?”

“I was sixteen, Gale. I didn’t know what I was feeling or for who or anything. A sixteen-year-old who had to save an entire nation. Love was the last thing on my mind. We were both thrown back to twelve shattered and we built ourselves piece by piece, together. It was _always_ going to be him.”

“You know how I feel about him.”

“Yeah, well your opinion on the matter is irrelevant.”

“How long have you been together?”

“Technically? Since that night he saved my family’s life with that burnt bread twenty-years ago.”

“I still think he’s dangerous.”

“Well, you don’t know him.”

“Your safety is always what I care about.”

“The only place I am truly safe is with him.” He rolled his eyes, his sign of dropping the argument. It felt wrong for her to tell him this when Peeta didn’t know, but Gale might be able to ease her nerves.

“Gale, I’m pregnant.” She could hear his neck crack from turning so quickly.

“ _What_?”

“I just found out.”

“Katniss, you _never_ wanted kids.”

“I know.”

“Was it an accident?”

“No! He— _we_ —wanted this. And I thought I was so damaged that I couldn’t have kids and it’s driven Peeta and I apart. We haven’t spoken to each other in weeks, really. But now I am and I don’t know what to do.”

“Katniss Everdeen is having a kid.”

“ _Mellark_.”

“You will always be Catnip Everdeen to me.”

“Yeah well, she doesn’t exist anymore.”

“I guess you’re right about that. I always thought we would have kids. You and I. I thought I could change your mind. Convince you that we could be good together.”

“Peeta didn’t convince me. I realized that my child could be safe. And Prim would want this for me. And I realized that it wasn’t a child I wanted, but _his_ child. I guess when I figured all that out I could never look back.”

“You really do love him?”

“He’s my dandelion. Always has been.” She placed her hand on her stomach and suddenly it felt different. Peeta was her dandelion and now she had his seed in her soil. His hope was literally a part of her now. The constant reminder that they could start over and flourish was _within_ her now, and suddenly she knew that they would be all right. She could fix what she had broken.

* * *

Peeta was annoyed as he walked home from the bakery, an all too familiar feeling these days. He was looking forward to having Johanna and Erez stay at the house with them for the next few weeks, but now they were staying with Rory. He needed them to distill the friction in his household but per usual, he could never have what he wanted. He spent most of his days at the bakery now, the only place that was completely his own. He never bothered to clean his office these days since he was prone to have an episode each day while working. He was constantly thinking of how he managed to make his wife hate him and the dots never connected. He could never hate Katniss; it was literally impossible. His body always yearned for her nearness, his ears desiring the sound of her voice. The gaze of her cloudy eyes and even the annoyance of her stare were all things he wished to have again.

When he walked into the house, his senses were serenaded by the smell of lamb stew and lavender candles that were lit around the living room table. The entire house was spotless and the freshness of the air coming through the open windows was confusing him. Was he in the wrong house?

“Katniss?”

“Hey!” She walked out of the kitchen and Peeta had to do a double-take. She was wearing his favorite dress of hers; the sunset orange one with the flowy skirt and her hair was falling around her shoulders like black silk.

“What is this?” He asked, never taking his eyes off her.

“Just sit down.”

“No.”

“Peeta, sit down.”

“What the hell is going on? We don’t speak for weeks and suddenly we’re having candlelit dinners?”

“Peeta!” She gave him the look and his heartfelt as if it would fly out of his chest. “I can’t fix us if you don’t shut up and listen to me.” He placed his jacket on the rack and took a seat at the table. She kneeled before him. She took his hands and he felt a shudder radiate through his body.

“Look, I know what I did. I shut you out and I was cold and I was a bad wife. A bad _person_ and you did not deserve that. I was so selfish and hurtful and I am so sorry about that. Can you forgive me?”

“I don’t know.” He knew his answer was yes, always would be yes, but he was weary this time around. After everything they have lived through together, Katniss always found a way to revert to old habits. It never got easier for him to handle and he wasn’t sure if he could survive a situation like this again.

“How do I know you won’t do this again? It always happens, Katniss. You forget everything we have worked towards and I’m left here picking up the pieces.”

“Things are different now.”

“Really? How do I know that?” He suddenly noticed the tears in her eyes and the bright smile on her mouth.

“Because.”

“Because what? Now isn’t the time to be coy.” She jumped to her feet and ran to the kitchen. When she came back she had a little velvet box in her hands.

“Open it.” She handed it to him and wiped a tear from her cheek.

“What is it?”

“Don’t speak. Just open it.” He sighed and opened the box. Inside was a small picture. He held it in front of him so he could see it in a better light. The picture was black and white and look liked a whole lot of nothing.

“What is this?“ His eyes caught the name “Mellark, Katniss” written at the top and inspected the image again. He noticed a small blob the size of an olive. It all suddenly came together. This was an ultrasound image.

“Katniss—“

“I’m pregnant. Peeta, I’m pregnant.” She practically shouted. She was crying and he could see how nervous she was. He realized he was crying too as the liquid saturated the image in his hand.

“How? When did you find out? Why didn’t you _tell me_?”

“Two days ago. This is me trying to be romantic again.” He couldn’t stop staring at the little olive and his name pasted at the top. This was _his_ baby. He was going to be a father?

“This can’t be real.” He got up and began to pace around the room; his mind had to be playing a trick. Her arms were around him, a safety he hadn’t felt in so long.

“Real, Peeta. So very real.” He turned in her arms and placed a shaky hand on her stomach. She rested her own on top of his.

“You have to help me through this because I have no idea what I am doing and I am so fucking scared but, this is happening. No turning back now.” He captured her lips and lifted her in the air.

“We are having a baby! A _baby_ , Katniss!” She held onto him tightly as if her life was deposited within him.

“Things are different now.” And he knew deep in his heart that they were. Forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Char-thelove on tumblr. Come see about me!


	5. You, Me, And a Little Hope

“What do you mean you don’t have any more shirts?” Katniss tugged on the hem of her shirt for the millionth time. Another failed attempt to make a t-shirt fit over her growing belly.

“Exactly what I said. They’re all in the wash.”

“How is that even possible, Peeta? All those shirts you own? You don’t have a single one in the closet?”

“You wore them all, Katniss.” Her husband appeared behind her in the mirror and rested his hands on her belly. “Honey, I think it’s time for us to go shopping for some maternity clothes.”

“God, please don’t say that.”

“You can’t wear my clothes forever. What am I going to wear?”

“Nothing. It’s the least you could do.” He contemplated the idea for a moment before planting a kiss on her cheek and heading back to the bathroom. It would be an understatement for her to say she felt like a stranger in her own body. The kid was taking all the food she was eating and stealing her temple. Her clothes didn’t fit, her back was always aching and sleep was a fairytale in her life these days. She hated this, but she would never say it aloud. Armageddon couldn’t put a damper on Peeta’s mood. He was constantly bouncing off the walls, reading every possible baby book they had in the Capitol, and making her any and everything she asked for. The last part was the only perk thus far.

“I just don’t want people to know yet.”

“I don’t think we have much choice.” Dr. Hues wasn’t kidding when she said one day the bump would just appear. Her weight gain was steady but manageable until last week when she couldn’t button up her pants and all her shirts suddenly couldn’t move past her breasts. Peeta was dying to scream to the entire world about the pregnancy, but Katniss was wearier. She needed to make it through the first trimester before she felt somewhat comfortable, and still, she didn’t feel ready.

“Can we at least tell Haymitch? And Rory?”

“I guess we should tell them. But I still don’t have anything to wear.”

“I kinda anticipated this the other day so…I got you something.” He went into the closet and pulled out a small purple bag.

“Peeta, what did you do?”

“I just had a few dresses for you made. Don’t worry I didn’t tell anyone any specifics. They should fit well enough that no one can really tell.” She pulled out a long black dress made of soft material. She slipped over her head and inspected herself in the mirror. It was slimming and roomy and _comfortable_. She felt a sob in the back of her throat.

“Why do you always have to do sweet shit that makes me cry? Asshole.”

“So I assume that you like it?”

“Of course I do. Thank you, Peeta. This will do just fine. At least until you do laundry.”

* * *

Pregnancy was changing more than just her body, but her thinking as well. Katniss was never one for public displays of affection, but something about holding her husband’s hand in public and sneaking quick kisses in the market settled her. It was like in those moments all three of them were one entity, completely together. She liked that. As they walked hand in hand to the bakery and they received their usual smiles and waves, Katniss suddenly felt so completely safe. How lucky was she to live in a place where everyone cared for and protected one another? Where the children could run freely ahead of their parents in the town square and no one would need to fret? In District Twelve, we care about our own, and her child would be no different.

“Katniss is wearing a dress. I don’t believe it.” Haymitch said when they walked in through the back of the bakery.

“Hello to you too, old man.” He winked at her and she smiled brightly.

“What are you guys doing here? Sundays are your day off, Peeta. And there are no crucial orders this weekend.” Rory was wiping down the counters as he spoke. Always multitasking.

“Well, we wanted to tell you guys something.”

“What is it? You have a tendency to drag things out, boy.” After all these years Haymitch still referred to them as kids. She wondered if their former mentor would ever see them outside that frame.

“Do you want to say it or me?” Katniss rolled her eyes.

“We’re having a baby. I’m pregnant.” Haymitch did his best to hide the growing smirk on his lips while Rory pulled Peeta in for a hug.

“I knew it! I knew I say baby books in your office! And Johanna and Gale were talking about it when they were here last but I thought it couldn’t be true. Val will be so ecstatic to hear about this!” Valerie, Rory’s wife, had recently given birth to a boy. They had two older daughters as well, but Valerie always wanted little Mellark’s to play with her children.

“How’d you do it, kid? I gotta know.”

“He didn’t have to do anything.”

“Well, he certainly had to do _something_.”

“Shut up, Haymitch.”

“I’m sorry. Let me not provoke you when you’re so hormonal. When are you set to pop?”

“Mid June.”

“Wow. I can’t believe this! The kids will be so excited to hear about this.” Rory was nearly bouncing off the walls. He knew how much Peeta wanted this.

“I’m proud of you, sweetheart.” She looked to her mentor and saw the faintest sign of tears in his eyes. It was in this moment she knew why. She was finally living in the now, refusing to let the demons of her past rule her life. This child wasn’t just her hope; he was everyone's.

* * *

As he ran with all the strength he could muster, Peeta instantly regretted not keeping himself in shape. Regardless of his muscles staying strong from lifting pound upon pound of flour, his stamina was gone. Katniss phoned him in a panic ten minutes ago and he was sprinting home to get to her. He didn’t even let her explain, the way she said his name was enough for him to drop the phone and sprint out the bakery.

“Katniss! Katniss, where are you?” He shouted when he burst through the front door. There was no sign of her on the first floor, so he bounded up the steps three at a time, his weaker leg just barely catching the final step. When he entered their bedroom, the sight of the bathroom light brought a calm over him.

“Katniss?” He crossed the threshold nervously and breathed a loud sigh of relief when he found her resting in the tub, her belly was big enough to rest above the water now, her eyes closed.

“Katniss, what’s wrong?”

“Don’t speak.”

“What?”

“I just got him to stop and I swear if you get him started again—“

“You called me in a panic and I rushed home because I thought something was wrong! What is going on? Is the baby alright?”

“I think so.”

“Katniss!”

“I was putting your clothes away because I washed them after you left this morning, and I was just standing there and I was smelling one of your shirts because I was missing you even though you had just left and even though your scent hangs on everything something about your shirts just _gets_ to me. But when I did that I felt him.”

“Felt what?” 

“This…it felt like something—I guess the baby—was _moving_. I felt him move _inside_ me, Peeta. I have never been so afraid in my life I was so stunned I couldn’t move I thought it was something terrible and I called you because I was scared and then I called Dr. Hues and my mom and they both told me that he was just moving around. That it’s alright, that I should be _excited_ because movement is a good sign and that it means he is healthy and I just…Peeta, I’m terrified.” Her face tightened into a grimace and he assumed that the baby was kicking again. 

Without another thought, Peeta began to strip off his clothes. Katniss didn’t seem to notice until he was slipping off his boxers.

“What are you doing?”

“Make room.”

“Peeta—“

“Don’t fight me. Make room.” She scoffed and moved forward so that he had room to slip in behind her. The warm water sloshed around a bit as he found a comfortable position but it wasn’t long until he was content, his legs around hers, and her back resting on his chest.

“Talk to me. How do you feel?” He placed a gentle kiss on her temple.

“I’m scared, Peeta. I thought I could do this but…I don’t think I can.”

“You are the strongest person I know. You can do anything. And you aren’t alone.”

“I always knew he was real but…actually feeling him _inside_ me made it too real and I just…” Her eyes were shut tight again and her breathing started to become more erratic.

“Show me where.” She slowly guided his hand to the underside of her belly. He immediately felt two ripples across his palm. Peeta always did his best to understand Katniss’ emotions and usually did a good job of it, but here in this moment, while his wife felt complete terror at the movement of their child, he felt complete elation. He felt laughter escape him as the tears floated down his cheeks.

“Katniss, listen to me: I know you are scared and worried and all these things and that is so normal! You keep saying that you aren’t ready and that you won’t be a good mother but look at you. You’re worrying yourself and he isn’t even here yet! He will be so safe. So _loved_. You don’t have to be afraid anymore.”

“You can say that! You can’t _feel_ this. And he won’t stop!”

“Well, let’s think of something to calm him? So he started this morning?”

“I was missing you. I guess he missed you, too. And he has been pretty calm since you climbed in here with me.”

“As much as I would love to be with you every waking moment of every day, I can’t. Think; when do _you_ feel most calm?” 

“With you! Or in my woods. Eating cheese buns or reading the book. Watching the sunset. Walking around the District.”

“So when you start to feel restless or anxious, try to get out and be in those places. He feels what you feel. Can you try that?”

“I can try.”

They stayed in the tub for a while; holding and loving one another, cherishing all the time alone while it was still theirs. The rest of the day was a peaceful one. They lay on the living room floor and watched the sunset from the window while music played on the radio. Peeta had his head on her tummy, listening and talking while Katniss ran her fingers through his curls. This was a peaceful rhythm they were beginning to develop and it was helping them both. But the days seemed to drag on longer for Katniss while Peeta would be at the bakery. She would call him several times or show up randomly. Seeing her slowly wobble down the hill from the front window of the shop always brought a smile to his lips.

She wasn’t sleeping well if at all, most nights her tossing and turning would wake him, and he would stay up with her, talking to the baby and soothing her. It was obvious that she was in constant discomfort, and with the first snowfall being predicted soon, there was no sign of things getting better anytime soon. Peeta liked to hoover, it was a quality about him that Katniss both needed yet loathed. He noticed that it was getting worse with the pregnancy, but he didn’t want to miss a thing. Every wince or deep breath that came over her, he would be by her side instantly, asking her a question. _“Does he have the hiccups again? Are you sure it wasn’t a contraction? Do you want me to check your blood pressure and rub your back?”_ It was overwhelming, but no matter how hard he wanted to cut back, he just… _couldn’t_. A child is something he has wanted for so, so long and now he was _real_ and everything had to be perfect and prepared. It was the least he could do. Peeta tried to forget the realities of the situation, but on some of those rare nights where Katniss slept soundly, her arms wrapped around him tightly, her protruding belly on his middle, his mind would wander. There was no denying that Peeta was a lost mental cause prone to prolonged and intense relapses. He was unpredictable and dangerous yet he was bringing a child into the world. Katniss had a tendency to be unstable, but he had no doubt in his mind that she would never emotionally abandon her child the way her mother did her. He could hurt his kid, or Katniss, or anyone at any point and time. That was a terrifying thought to have. _“Will I have an episode while making his lunch one morning? Will I see his black hair and confuse him for Katniss and try to hurt him? Will I love him at all?”_ He was petrified, but he would never let Katniss know. She was so mortified herself, the last thing she needed was the knowledge that he was unsure, too.

* * *

It was a Sunday.

The bakery was closed already, but the snow was coming down so hard that leaving the house was not an option. Katniss was suffering from terrible back pain all week and has barely left the bed.

“Do you need more pillows? I can run to Haymitch’s and steal some from him. I doubt he uses them anyway.” Peeta was standing above her, watching her. She was propped up on the couch with at least six pillows behind her and three under her feet, which were propped on the coffee table. Annoyance was written all over her face.

“I am fine, Peeta. Thank you.”

“Are you sure?”

“ _Yes_.”

"Do you want me to turn on the radio? Or make you something to eat? Or I can read to you from one of the books?”

“I just want to watch the snowfall.”

“Ok, whatever you want.” She sighed loudly and suddenly burst into tears. He was by her side in a flash. “What is it?”

“Everything! My back hurts! My ankles are swollen! I can’t even see my fucking feet! The kid won’t sit still! I’m fucking terrified every second of every day and I can’t leave the house because I feel fat and can’t even make it to the gate of the village without getting winded! I miss my woods! I miss _my_ body! I want this to be _over_. I _hate_ this! All of it!”

“Oh, honey, things will get better. Dr. Hues said that we’re in the beginnings of the second trimester and that is when things start to even out! And this one book says—“

“I do not give a fuck about those books! They do not know! They are not the ones who are sitting here with a person taking everything! Those books do not know!”

“I understand—“

“No, you definitely do not understand! This is not _fun_ , Peeta! I just…I need a break. I need to getaway. I feel like I am going insane. I want my mom. And Johanna. And Annie. They all understand. They know.”

“Ok, we can go—“

“ _No_ not _we_. Me.”

“What?” Peeta was taken aback, unsure what she meant. They did everything together.

“I never thought I would say this, but there is too much Peeta! I cannot breathe without you asking me if something is wrong or you quoting one of those damn baby books or you touching me! Or that fucking camera! If I hear that _click_ or see that flash one more time I will literally break it over your fucking head! And I have your child inside me. You are literally _everywhere_ and it is too much! I love you, I do I truly do, but my body was always that, _mine_. And now I don’t even have that. I need a break from you, Peeta.” It was as if he could hear his heart cracking, the pieces slowly falling to the endless darkness. He was trying to be helpful; doing his best in the only way he knew how. He didn’t understand what she was feeling. When she felt anguish, he felt joy. This was one of those situations were their differences rang true, and there was no skating around it. They haven’t spent more than twenty-four hours away from each other in almost fifteen years. He was afraid that she would enjoy her time away from him and never come back. Just take the kid and run. Maybe it was better that way.

“A-a-a-re you sure? This is what you want?”

“Yes, Peeta! I just… I need some time.”

* * *

“Did you forget anything?” Peeta was trailing behind her as the train station came into sight. She was walking remarkably fast for the snowy ground and new lack of equilibrium, Peeta barely keeping up with her suitcase catching in the snow.

“No.” Things between them have been slightly cold the last few days as Katniss made plans to travel to District Four for a couple of weeks. Her mother was elated and Jo and Annie were excited to see her wobble around. Peeta was doing his best to keep his distance, but he was struggling. Katniss loved everything about that man, but sometimes his good intentions grated on her. He didn’t want to miss a thing and just wanted to _help_ but there was nothing he could do to make this better. He could never understand the feeling of having your sanctuary invaded. It sometimes made her feel bad, how strongly she felt the kid was stealing her body, but she couldn’t help it.

Once she was checked in and ready to board her train, she looked at her husband and felt a sudden sadness come over her. She couldn’t even remember the last time she had been away from him for more than a day, and it was beginning to set in. Who was Katniss without him? His eyes were sunken and defeated and he looked to be actively fighting back tears.

“Hey, it’s only for a week or two. It will fly by.” She took his hand and squeezed. She immediately regretted it because she didn’t want to let it go.

“I know.”

“Call me every night?”

“That would defeat the purpose, wouldn’t it?” His tone was quiet, at a level that she had not heard in years.

“Peeta?”

“I’ll wait for you to call me, ok?”

“Ok.” The train blew the last call whistle, and she was quickly regretting her decision. “Are you sure you want me to go?”

“It’s what you want, Katniss.”

“I thought, but—“

“Look, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I always mess things up and get in the way. I love you so much and I get lost sometimes.” Before she could respond, Grant, the conductor of all the trains the Mellark’s happen to take from District Twelve to Four approached them with a smile.

"Katniss! Peeta! It’s good to see you again. Are we ready to board?”

“Just Katniss this time, Grant. Keep an eye on her for me?” Grant eyed them for a moment and then shrugged.

“Absolutely. I’ll take the bag.” As he took the bag to the train, Katniss grabbed Peeta by his forearms tightly.

“Peeta, you don’t ever need to be sorry for what you do. You know that.” He nodded, but there was intense disbelief in his eyes. Grant was back and leading her to the train. She could feel herself beginning to panic as she looked back to see her husband, body hunched, and looking defeated. Something was keeping her from taking action. It was like she was back to that sixteen-year-old girl, being forced away from everything she knew and loved without her permission. But she did this. This was her decision. She watched him from the window as the train began to pull away from the station. When he and District Twelve were out of sight, she got up slowly and walked to her sleeping car. The same car that she has laid in multiple times but with her husband’s safe arms wrapped around her, his sweet voice whispering sweet nothings into her ear. But it was just her now. As she lay down and her child moved in complaint, it all began to hit her. The complete loneliness she felt. How could she have wanted this? She pulled her knees as close as her belly would allow and began to weep.

* * *

“I have to admit, pregnancy looks good on you, Brainless.” Johanna laughed to herself as she took a long sip from her water. Annie giggled silently and squeezed her hand.

“You are really cute,” Annie added with a smile.

“Are we done mocking me now?” They were all sitting in the sand on the beach, the boys running around a few feet away. It still shocked Katniss when she saw Ty. He was almost fifteen and the spitting image of his father. The tall lanky frame beginning to find muscle from his time spent on the swimming team at school, his sandy brown hair and infectious smile showing he inherited his father’s charm. Annie had her work cut out for her.

“Oh don’t be like that! We just want to have a little fun. We never thought we would get this chance and we definitely won’t get it again! Let us have this.”

“Jo, leave her alone.” Katniss placed her hands on her belly and smiled to herself. It was hard to admit, but she was slowing getting comfortable with the changes. His movements still terrified her in a way that no words could describe, but the thought of him no longer did.

“How are you doing, Katniss? You’ve been so quiet since you got here.” Annie had intense concern in her voice and she could feel Johanna’s intense eyes on her as well. She shrugged modestly.

“I don’t know. I’m stuck in this place between complete and utter fear and joy. I am so fucking terrified of this kid, but then I see the look on Peeta’s face every day and how excited he is and…it makes me excited, if only for a moment. I just feel so unlike myself. I don’t have any personal space anymore and I feel so trapped! I just feel like no one understands.”

“Well, get used to that personal space thing cause it never comes back! But I understand. It scared me when Ez would move around and that kid _never_ sat still.”

“Yeah, but how did you handle it?” Johanna shrugged.

“I just…did. That’s kinda how this parenting thing works, I’ve realized. You’re never gonna get it completely right and there is never a definite answer, but you do what you have to do to get by. You do what you need to do for them and you pray that your best is enough.”

“She’s absolutely right. There were so many days when I would look at Ty and see Finnick and it would paralyze me. But I had to learn to let it go because I couldn’t shut down. My suffering became secondary to his happiness. Just because I can’t always be stable doesn’t mean I can’t try like hell to make sure he is.” Annie and Johanna were gazing lovingly at their children and Katniss felt a slight feeling of jealousy. It came so naturally to them, the ability to be selfless. She was so terribly selfish and prone to give in to her fears, qualities that were not prime for a parent. More importantly, she wanted to hold her child in her arms. She hated this waiting game, all the uncertainty and confusion, and discomfort. But if this moment was any indication, it is completely temporary.

“Katniss,” Annie was watching her again, more uncertainty in her voice. “Where is Peeta?” The sound of his name forced a kick from inside her and she took a deep breath and rubbed soft circles on her stomach.

“In Twelve.”

“I understand that, but _why_? You guys don’t do anything without each other.”

“We just…. we just needed a break.”

“What?” Johanna was on her feet and in front of Katniss in seconds. “What kind of break?”

“Just for a week or so! We were smothering each other and just need time. At least, that is what I’m telling myself.”

“Jeez, you just seem to get dumber with the years.” She could feel the hysterics coming on quickly. Her breathing was becoming undone and the tears were falling instantly. 

“I miss him! I need him. And he isn’t here. He just wanted to be helpful and I yelled at him!” Annie wrapped her arms around Katniss's shoulders and squeezed.

“It’s just the hormones, dear. It isn’t you.”

“It was me! It was stupid, mean, selfish Katniss! I just don’t get why he didn’t get out when he had the chance! Now he’s stuck with me for good!”

“Oh Katniss, don’t be so silly for once! That man loves you so recklessly. It is literally stupid how much he loves you. And it goes both ways. You love him just as much, you’re just more annoying about it.” Even when trying to be comforting Johanna could find a way to land a punch. 

“I don’t know what to do. I wanted to stay but I couldn’t be wrong so I got on the train. If you could have seen him…I haven’t seen him look that defeated since he came back to Twelve all those years ago.”

“Call him. Right now. Tell him to come here. There is no reason you shouldn’t be with him right now. God knows Gale would be right here with me if he wasn’t off doing whatever it is the Capitol says is so damn important.”

“Aunty Kat! Aunty Kat! Why are you crying?” A sand-covered boy with his shaggy dark hair falling over his eyes appeared breathless before her. She smiled and wiped away her tears.

“No reason, sweetie. Aunt Kat just misses your Uncle Peeta.” Erez crawled into her lap and rested his head on her belly since he couldn’t reach her chest.

“I can hear the baby’s heartbeat!” Katniss ran her fingers through his hair and felt a peace come over her. One day, this would be her and the child shifting within her. Instantly she imagined Peeta off to the side with his camera, capturing the moment. She had never wanted to hear that annoying _click_ as much as she did at this moment.

* * *

_The screaming child was pressed to her chest tightly as she cooed to calm him down. He was scared, just like his mother, and there wasn’t much she could do about that. Katniss tiptoed through the woods, her efforts at stealth worthless due to the child._

_“It’s gonna be ok. We are going to find daddy and be ok. Let’s find daddy.” The howls of the mutt wolves in the distance seemed to grow louder and she picked up her speed. “Peeta!”_

_"Katniss!” She turned a corner and there he was, wrapped up in a net trap a few feet above her._

_“Peeta! Thank God!” She reached into her back pocket and pulled out a knife and began to cut as best as she could with one hand. The howling was substantially closer and her child’s screams were increasing._

_"Katniss. Katniss, honey you have to go.”_

_"No! I am not leaving you!”_

_“You have to go. You can’t save me.”_

_“I can!” She knew she needed both hands to get him out, but placing her child on the ground was not an option._

_"Katniss!”_

_"I am not leaving you! I need you! He needs you!”_

_“You can’t save us both!”_

Katniss awoke in a screaming thrashing fit.

“Peeta! Peeta!” The door opened, letting in a burst of light.

“Katniss? Katniss, it’s mom! Can you hear me?” She continued to scream and thrash at the sheets, searching for him.

“Peeta! Where is he? Peeta!”

“Katniss!” Her mother was in bed with her, her arms around her tightly. “He isn’t here.”

“Where is he? I have to save him!”

“It was just a nightmare, honey.”

“He isn’t safe! I have to save them both! I have to save them both!”

“It’s just a nightmare! You need to calm down.”

“Find him! I have to find him!”

“Let’s call him? He is safe in District Twelve. Let’s give him a call.” The notion of hearing his voice calmed her substantially. Her body went still, though she was still heaving from the sobs. Her mother reached to grab the phone, her grasp never loosening. It had been two days since she heard his voice and it was catching up to her. The anticipation as she listened to the beeps unnerved her, but suddenly it picked up.

“Peeta?”

“Sorry to disappoint you, Sweetheart.”

“Haymitch? What’s going on? What happened?”

“The Boy didn’t show up to the bakery today or the day before that, and he never does that without notice. So I stopped by after closing today and he was holed up in that nursery.”

“Well put him on the line.”

“I can’t.”

“What do you mean, you can’t?”

“He won’t come out. He’s locked himself inside.”

“What?”

“He’s locked himself in there and won’t answer me. I don’t know what is going on with him but it ain’t good. He won’t eat or anything.”

“This is my fault! I never should have left.”

“Look, if anyone can snap him out of this, it’s you. But you can’t do that in Four. You need to come home.”

“I’ll be home tomorrow. Just…don't leave him, ok?” She handed the phone back to her mother and pulled her pillow to her chest and began to cry again.

“Katniss, what is going on?”

“Peeta locked himself in the nursery and won’t come out. I never should have left him. I know him! I know that we belong together and everything is just worse when we separate. I don’t know what I was thinking! I was just feeling so smothered and my hormones were out of control and he was just _there_ and an easy target and I didn’t mean it! I didn’t mean any of it. I want him to be there for every waking moment of every day.”

“Katniss, honey. You need to tell your husband that. Don’t tell me; tell him. He is the one that needs to hear this. Be with him. Be completely with him. Do you remember the first time you came to visit me and I asked you to not hold yourself back anymore? That I wanted you to love with all your heart and have no regrets?” She nodded. That conversation plays in her head regularly. Those words always stuck with her, and she tried to meet her mother’s expectations the best she could.

“You are doing such a great job. Having a baby is something you always told yourself you didn’t want but look at you. I have seen you open your heart and allow so many people in during these past few years and it has been so wonderful. But for some reason, when it comes to Peeta, you shut down. Everyone can see how desperately you love him but _you_. You always hold him at an arm's length. You tell yourself that you don’t deserve him and that he can do better yet he proves to you time after time that that is false. He cannot live without you, Katniss! And you cannot live without him. You are each other’s salvation.” She placed her head on her mother’s chest and allowed herself to cry. The safety of these arms was more than welcome. She couldn’t help but feel so grateful for the stability of their relationship. Katniss would always be bitter about their past, but her mother was present now, and there was no doubt in her mind that part of the happiness in her life now was attributed to her.

“I am so afraid, mom. That I won’t be a good mother. That he will leave me. I just want him to be happy.”

“You are his happiness! Just like you are mine.” She kissed her head gently and rubbed her belly, which calmed her a bit. “You know, when I was pregnant with you, I was a hormonal mess. I went from ecstatic to horrified to insanely angry in seconds. But your father never reacted. He would just stand there and be my target. Take all the blame and the anger without a word. But he would take away all my fear and reassure me that things would be better. He would add to my excitement with his own. It was like he learned to love me more during the pregnancy and then when you were born? There are no words to describe how much deeper our love became. Holding you, gazing down at you together, as a family, was the greatest experience of my life.”

“It just feels like he doesn’t understand how I feel now. He always gets me, knows me better than I know myself. But these days I don’t even feel like me anymore. How can he understand how it feels to have a human being in there? Living and eating and moving?”

“He can’t, honey. He will never know that feeling. But that is the joy of being a mother. That bond is so completely just between you and your baby! You are focusing on all the wrong things. This is your time to just feel. I know you hate it, but you have to let him take care of you because he understands that you are feeling things you never have before. He doesn’t know any other way to show that he gets that besides hovering and being attentive. Get to know her! Figure out when she falls asleep and when she is active. What she responds to. This is so scary, I know that, but try to find the beauty in it all.”

“She? You think it’s a girl?” The thought never crossed her mind. They had their hearts set on a little boy, and now the thought of two long blonde pigtails and piercing blue eyes would never leave her mind.

“You just remind me so much of myself when I was pregnant, I guess I never thought of you having a boy. Plus, you’re carrying pretty high for it to be a boy. But I guess we will see, huh?” She nodded slowly before snuggling closer.

“What if she looks like her?” She said in a soft whisper. “I’ll never be able to get over that…If she has those eyes and—“

“Hush now. Stop telling yourself what you can and cannot do. You will love this child with everything you have, boy or girl.” Her honesty was encompassing her, and all Katniss wanted was to be back in her district, in her house, in her husband’s arms—her _home_. She needed to fix everything. To put her mother’s words into action.

“I want to go home, mom. I want to go home.”

* * *

“Haymitch?” Katniss called as she walked into the house. She caught the earliest train possible and was back when the sun reached its peak in the sky for the afternoon. The house was somber, almost as if it had been abandoned. No usual smell of sweet bread or treats coming from the oven or sounds of the radio playing to indicate a painter working in the living room. The feel of Peeta was gone. She called her mentor’s name again, this time he appeared at the foot of the stairs.

“Is he still up there?” He nodded slowly. The bags under his eyes were evident on his aging face, a sign that he hasn’t slept since he discovered Peeta. When Haymitch cares, it was in the deepest and most unwavering of ways.

“I managed to get the door open, but it isn’t looking good in there. I’ve only seen him like this a few times and they were all right after we rescued him.” A sense of dread encompassed her. How was she going to bring Peeta back from a state even she had never experienced? “Hey, let me just say something to you real quick. Before you go up there.”

“Can’t it wait?” She was so desperate to see Peeta. To remind him that everything would be ok. That they would be ok.

“No, just listen.” He motioned for her to sit on the step and she lowered herself slowly. He sat beside her and took her hand, a gesture that was unusual for him.

“I know that you are scared shitless about this kid coming and when you get scared you get all crazy and all hell breaks loose.”

“Is there a point to this?”

“Just _listen_. Look, sweetheart, I just need you to know that you do not have to worry. Seriously! The kid has the entire district looking out for her! There is no safer place for that kid than right here in Twelve. No need for you to start running away. She has two victors for her parents, not to mention as an uncle and her two aunts. She may be too safe if you ask me. Just try to remember that before you get off your rocker and lose your shit again, alright?” She smiled and pulled Haymitch to her in a hug that he reciprocated happily.

“So you think it’s a girl?”

“Just a good guess.”

“My mother thinks so, too.” He placed a gentle hand on her belly and smiled brightly when the baby kicked. _Hard_. “Ow!”

“Got some fight in em’. Just like her mama. Definitely a girl.” He stood up and helped her up the remaining steps. When they reached the nursery, Haymitch squeezed her hand and headed back downstairs.

“Peeta?” She knocked on the door softly. “It’s Katniss. I’m back.” She took a deep breath before entering the room. She gasped loudly at the sight: the walls were all painted a soft blue, like the true sky itself, was on the walls. In one corner there was a sun high in the sky, a soft orange as if it were setting, yet it was wide-awake. On the other side of the room was the meadow that they frequented in the spring and summer. Even though it was technically a mass grave for their people, the expanse of land was the largest field of flowers, specifically dandelions. It was the first area of the district to recover after the bombings; the precipice of hope for their district. The sheer realness and beauty of the walls shocked Katniss to tears. She knew he had been working on the design of the room for a while, but she had always been too nervous to step into the room for too long.

“Oh, Peeta! This…this is so wonderful.” She looked down to see her husband sitting on the floor, covered in paint and surrounded by clumps of his hair, shaking uncontrollably. There was a stack of baby clothes beside him, his shaking hands struggling to link a pair of small socks to add to his pile. Effie sent over a hoard of baby clothes, in an assortment of colors and styles, for boys and girls as her gift a few weeks ago. The clothes were all color-coded and precisely folded.

“Peeta.” She moved a few of the piles and empty paint cans and sat beside him. His eyes were empty and dilated, his jaw clench and teeth grinding. “Peeta, honey, come back to me. Listen to my voice. It’s Katniss.”

“Katniss is gone.” He whispered as he finally matched the socks and added them to the pile. He reached for a blue shirt and began to struggle through folding it.

“I am right here. Peeta, listen to my voice.” She had never seen him this bad before. He was almost non-existent, his mind in a completely different world. A world where she had left him for good and their child was just a figment of his hijacked terror. He kept repeating, _“Katniss is gone. Katniss is gone”_ over and over under his breath. She took his hands and placed them on her stomach, holding them there so he couldn’t let go.

“Do you feel that? Peeta, that is our baby! Come back to me. I left you and that was a terrible mistake. I am so sorry, Peeta. I thought I was doing you a favor, but per usual I just made things worse. I can’t do this alone. I need you. We need you. Feel how real she is.” She could see the struggle behind his eyes, the turmoil of deciphering what was a fallacy, and what was real. When the tears began to flow, she could feel the warmth radiate from him again.

“Katniss?”

“Peeta! Oh thank God!” She wrapped her arms around his neck kissed him wherever her lips could find flesh. “I am so sorry. I am so sorry. Forgive me. Please forgive me.”

“You came back.” Was all he could manage to say. Over and over and over.

"I will never leave again. I swear it.”

It took a while for her to get him to his feet, Haymitch coming up to help since they were both pretty unstable right now. Once he was showered and fed, she told Haymitch he could go, but he was reluctant.

“I can sleep on the couch tonight if you want. Just to be sure.”

“We’ll be fine. You’ve done enough.”

“You sure?”

“Yes! Get outta here, old man.”

“I’ll be back tomorrow.” He sighed and kissed her head before walking out. Katniss pulled her exhausted body up the steps and to their bedroom where Peeta was already in bed. She didn’t even bother to pull on one of his shirts, instead just pulling off all her clothing and slipping under the covers. Peeta was already asleep, so she watched him for a while. The steady rise and fall of his chest, the wisps of his golden hair, now much shorter thanks to his nervous pulling. The sound of her mother’s voice entered her ears, reminding her to cherish the man and life she had. He was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen, and he belonged to her just as she belonged to him. If hovering and annoying her to the depths of hell was what made him feel that she was comfortable and safe, then so be it.

The first few days were rough, his body still suffering from terrible tremors. She had to feed him since he couldn’t even hold a fork in his hand without nearly cracking the plate with it. He still looked as if he was unsure where he was, and he stared at her with a look of confusion. Seeing Katniss was bad enough, but seeing her pregnant really took his mind for a long walk. Feeling the baby move or a soft kiss would ease him, but not for too long. But it got easier with each passing day, and soon she was greeted with his soft warm kiss on her mouth one morning. His hands were no longer shaking and he could bake and paint again. He was back in the bakery two weeks later and that smile was permanently back on his lips. One night, she was watching the snowfall from the window in the living room and was greeted with a kick so strong that she nearly cried out. Peeta was sitting at the table drawing up a design for a new order.

“Katniss?” The concern was evident in his voice. “Are you alright?” She turned to look at him and could see how conflicted he was. To hover or not? She smiled at him softly.

“What do your books say about kicks that are almost too strong to just be a kick?” His smile soon matched her own and he ran to the study to find his new favorite baby book.

“It says here that…”

* * *

“Why are we doing this again?” They were walking to the home of Delly and Tucker for dinner and Katniss was less than enthused.

“Because we have been blowing them off for months with bullshit reasons and I feel bad.”

“My discomfort of walking across town to be felt up is not a bullshit reason.”

“They are our friends, Katniss.”

“But my _feet_ hurt.” The house came into view, only a few lights radiating through the windows. “Not to mention that their clan of children are all extremely touchy. Just like their parents.”

“Are you going to be able to play nice tonight?” They stopped walking for a moment and she placed her hand on her now enormous stomach. Peeta still couldn’t get over how big she has gotten since the end of the second trimester. She was just so... _big_ and he was terrified that she could be carrying twins, but Dr. Hues eased the fear very quickly. Their child was just extremely healthy, she told them. One thing she failed to explain was why Katniss’ hormones were only getting worse instead of more regulated. She was a firecracker in her heart, but the combination of the pregnancy made her out of control.

“I love Delly and Tucker and the kids, you know that. But you also know I have to be in the mood.”

“Well get in the mood.” She scrunched her nose at him then grabbed his hand. Over the past few weeks, Peeta has been forced to develop a new level of sternness with his wife. It wasn’t her fault that she was feeling this way, but walking all over him was not an option, not after the incident that occurred a few months ago. But she seemed to like it when he combated with her. Her response was always some form of physical affection, something Peeta could not complain about.

They walked up the hill to the house and knocked on the door.

“I hope she made something with meat. You know how they pretend to be vegetarians sometimes. Oh, wait!” She pushed a stray strand of hair behind his ear. “You are so handsome, Peeta Mellark.” He felt his lips turn up in a smile as she gently placed her lips to his. There was no denying that Katniss was starkly different since returning from her solo trip to District Four. She was more affectionate, more open and understanding. Part of him wondered if it was because of how intensely her leaving affected him and she felt he needed the extra attention. But the stronger part of him, the part of him that knew his wife better than anyone, understood that Katniss was always the last one to realize certain aspects about herself. Peeta was convinced that only a select few people have received the sweetness that she can give, and for that, he was forever grateful to be one of those few.

“You’re here! _They_ are here!” Delly exclaimed as she opened the door. She still had those full and excited cheeks, her body never losing that roundness due to bearing four children.

“Hi, Delly. Thank you for inviting us!” Katniss flashed a winning smile. Effie would be proud.

“I am so glad you all could make it! My goodness, Katniss look at _you_! Are you carrying an army in there?” She laughed and Katniss just kept on smiling. Delly knew better than to try to touch her belly. Many people in town have learned the hard way that unless given permission, hands stay away. Katniss did her time of being poked and prodded like a circus act.

“Get in here! Tucker, they are _here_!” Peeta led her inside the house, noticing the usually obnoxiously lit house surprisingly dark.

“Delly, what’s with the lights?”

“Oh, nothing. This way!” They followed her to the back patio, the warm late spring air making dinner on the patio a reasonable option. “Peeta, could you hit that light switch? We already set up the string lights for summer and it is just spectacular!” Peeta left his wife’s side and felt around the wall of the house until his hand met a light switch. He flicked it upwards and was shocked when a roar of “Congratulations!” forced him into the wall. Underneath the twinkling lights were nearly the entirety of District Twelve, Johanna, Gale, Annie, and their children as well. There were pink and blue balloons tied to the chairs and tables along with streamers and wrapped boxes of gifts. On the main table was a tall cake covered with bright yellow and green designs of flowers at the peak of their bloom. Peeta remembered that cake since Rory had just delivered it to a family this morning.

“What is this?” Katniss was still standing where Peeta had left her, hands clasped together in front of her mouth in shock. She hated surprises, but he could not sense any intense fear from her.

“We wanted to surprise you with a baby shower! To show you how much we all love you and Peeta. To let you know how happy we are that you all are taking this huge step together.” Delly was holding onto her husband’s hand tightly, unsure how Katniss was going to react.

“I’m here for the free liquor. And that is the truth, sweetheart.” Haymitch approached her with a wink and long sip from his champagne flute. Katniss turned to Peeta.

“Did you know about this?” He shook his head.

“Completely oblivious. But I guess you can thank me for the cake.”

“Katniss.” She turned back around and they were both stunned to see her mother standing beside Annie.

“Mom?” The paleness in her mother's face was obvious along with her shaking hands that being in Twelve was hard on her, but she was _here_. “What are you doing here?” Her mother closed the space between them and took her daughter’s hands. The tears were already falling from her eyes.

“My baby is having a _baby_. That is something I could not let my own fears keep me from seeing.” Katniss pulled her mother into her arms and held her tightly, matching tears melting her shoulder. Everyone watched with soft smiles on their lips, the knowledge that the once estranged mother and daughter now shared a closeness that no one thought they would see in this lifetime. Katniss summoned Peeta to her and he took her hand instantly.

“This is…I usually loathe surprises or parties or things like this but…this is absolutely wonderful. Knowing that our baby is going to be so loved and protected. Your support…it means more than you could ever know.” Their friends erupted into cheers and they were surrounded in warm embraces. The night was a blissful one filled with laughter and encouraging words. Katniss even let people touch her belly for prolonged periods of time. The fake trained smile she had at the beginning of the night was now completely genuine, and it never left her face. Peeta sat back and watched, just taking in the beauty of his life.

“I can’t believe it either.” Gale’s gruff baritone floated next to him. Peeta looked up at the man that he once considered his worst enemy, even above Snow. He wouldn’t go as far as to call them friends, but they were always cordially at gatherings. Their conversations were never deep, just simple back and forth to show their wives that they could pretend to be grown-ups when they weren’t around.

“Believe what?” He motioned to Katniss.

“ _That_. That smile. I don’t think I have ever seen her with a smile that genuine on for this long.”

“I guess I haven’t either. Not with so many people around, anyway.”

“Can I be honest with you?” He nodded. “I’ve never really liked you. Still don’t in all honesty.”

“Thank you?”

“Besides how I feel, you have made Katniss happier than I ever could have. I admit the Games gave you an advantage, as sick as that sounds, but even if that all never happened…I don’t know…I feel like things would still be how they are right now. As much as I hate to admit it, you guys are made for each other. Your kid is a lucky one.” Peeta observed Gale for a moment, taking in his tall frame. This may be the first time Gale has talked to him without his arms crossed in front of his chest in protection.

“That means a lot, Gale.”

“Yeah yeah. Just don’t tell Katniss I said it. You know how she thrives off of being right.”

“Oh, don’t I.” They shared a quiet laugh and Peeta saw a potential friendship being planted.

* * *

“Peeta?”

“Hmm?” They were snuggled up in the sheets of their bed, the soft breeze blowing in from the window.

“I’m happy.” He sat up slightly so he could see her wide eyes staring up at him from his chest.

“I’m glad.”

“No, seriously. I feel like it’s all starting to settle in now that we only have a few weeks left. I was so scared for every waking moment and I don’t know…tonight…seeing all our friends and my mom…all that they did just to show that they care about us. It just made me realize how happy I really am. Being with you and carrying our baby. It is just…I don’t feel so scared anymore.”

“You don’t know how happy that makes me. I notice it. How you are smiling more and talking more. I love seeing you like this. It makes me happy to see that you aren’t regretting this.” She struggled to push herself up but she managed, taking his face in her hands.

“No regrets. No regrets ever. Not with you.”

The next week was unseasonably warm, but not surprising for the coming summer. The last days of May were winding away and the nerves were beginning to burn inside of him. The solitude would soon be bombarded with loud cries of need and adoration. The schedule they have so tirelessly worked to perfect over the past fifteen years was about to be abruptly altered, but even if with that knowledge he was excited. The hope that they were going to raise this child with more love and patience than they were given truncated all the fear within him.

The bakery was light today, and with so many friends in town, Peeta felt compelled to close up shop early. He assumed Jo and Annie would already be at the house along with Katniss’ mother. Haymitch stayed behind and helped close up, something he had begun to do more over the past months. He also started coming over for dinner every night. Haymitch played it off as a desire for a “decent meal and a show,” the show being an irritated Katniss lashing out at his teasing. They all began to wonder how this ritual had not happened sooner. When they crossed the gate of Victor’s Village, he could already see them. The ladies were all sitting on the porch enjoying the day, but there was only one image that caught his eye. Katniss was a distance away, sitting with her legs stretched before her on the grass. She was weaving what looked to be a crown of dandelions, a wide smile resting on her lips as she directed her words to her stomach. She looked content and _comfortable_ , a word that seemed so foreign when describing her during the pregnancy. Haymitch went ahead of him, but Peeta stayed back and watched her from afar, completely mesmerized. He watched as she noticed Haymitch and pushed herself up slowly from the ground. When she made it to her feet, her smile vanished instantly, one hand on her back and the other resting on her stomach.

“Katniss?” Peeta shouted. The look of pain on her face was too unfamiliar to him, and his legs were moving towards her.

“You alright, sweetheart?” Haymitch was eyeing her, unsure if he should approach. Her eyes were still shut tightly, her face stuck in a grimace.

“Yeah, I’m alright, I’m alright.” Peeta had his arms around her, his hands resting on her own.

“Is it…?”

“No, no. Just another one of those fake contractions Mom told us about. I’m alright, honestly.” Her grimace went away, but the pain was still evident on her face. “I’m glad you’re home.” She kissed him softly then led him to the porch. He smiled and enjoyed the company of their guests, but his mind never returned to that serene state of before. The thought of Katniss going into labor sent more fear into him than he expected. No matter how much he wanted to convince himself that he was, he was far from ready for a baby to be in their home.

That night, Peeta refolded every article of clothing in the nursery. The sounds of Katniss wishing him back to bed seemed to never reach his hijacked mind.

* * *

Katniss was worried sick over Peeta. The contractions started yesterday evening, but the complete look of utter fear on his face made her lie. They were pretty infrequent that night, but she knew these were the real deal, the pain being much more intense than the false contractions she experienced in the past few weeks. She decided it would be better to keep it to herself until things progressed.

It was almost impossible for Katniss to get through to Peeta during his new episodes. It was as if they evolved, taking him deeper into his mind than before. He would go into the nursery and fold the unborn child’s clothes for hours, and there was no way for her to get through to him. She would speak, but could not hear her. All she could do was wait for his will to outweigh the sickness. All these years of helping each other and now she was useless. It certainly was not helpful that their child could come at any moment and he was trapped inside his mind. She slept on the floor of the nursery that night, the pain waking her every few hours. When the sun had finally reached the sky, filling the room with a soft pink glow, she began to panic. The contractions were picking up speed and her husband was still lifeless. The thought of having to birth this child on her own scared Katniss shitless. A rush of pain hit her and she screamed in pain and frustration. Completely desperate, she crawled over to Peeta and slapped him across the face.

“You come back to me, right now! I did not sign up to do this on my own! This is for _you_! For _us_! You do not get to do this to me!” He was staring at her, eyes still black and comatose. “You promised me. Peeta, you promised me.” As if he was rising out of a pool of water, a rush of air came from his lips, and suddenly he was here. Panting frantically and lost, he was looking around, searching.

“Katniss? Katniss?”

“I’m right here, Peeta! I’m here!” She took him in her arms as she cried from relief.

“What happened? Where am I?”

"You’re home, honey. You are home. And safe.”

“Did I…go away again?”

“Yeah. But you’re here now. That is what matters.” He grabbed his hair in frustration.

“I can’t keep doing this, Katniss! Not with the baby coming any day now and—“ He was cut off by Katniss’ yelp of pain as another contraction hit. The same fear she saw last night was back in his eyes.

“Peeta, stay with me. It’s just a contraction. It’s ok. It’s ok.” He was just staring at her and she was afraid he had already slipped back into his mind.

“How far apart?” His voice was soft and even which surprised her.

“Um, um, I don’t know. I have been so worried about you I haven’t been counting.”

“We need to get you to the medical center.”

“But what about you?”

“What about me?”

“Peeta, you just got out of an episode. You haven’t stopped shaking.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Peeta—“

“Katniss you are in labor! That is what is most important right now!”

“But I cannot do this without you!” He took her tear-stained face in his hands and kissed her nose. “Peeta, I am so scared. I thought…I can’t—“

“Shhh! Stop that. I am going to be right with you the entire way. Raising each other up is what we do best, right?”

* * *

She can hear her mother and Johanna and Annie outside the room, demanding to know how she is. Johanna is the loudest, of course, demanding to be allowed in.

“I just want to check on her! She’s unstable, that one. She needs her family!” Katniss found herself smiling through the indescribable pain surging through her complete body. The misfit family she had created over these years was everything to her, and this new addition, though unfamiliar, was going to complete them in the most perfect way. Peeta was out in the hallway trying to calm everyone down even though he wasn’t the peak of stable himself. Katniss could smell the liquor on Haymitch when he was helping her to the clinic just an hour ago, and she thought to talk to him about trying to get off the awful stuff. For the sake of the baby.

“Hey.” Peeta closed the door softly, adorned in blue scrubs, and smiled at her. That beautiful, crooked, genuine smile. She hoped her baby would have that smile. _Her_ _baby_. This entire time she imagined this baby as her gift to her husband and nothing more, but this child was just as much her own.

“Hi.” Her voice is weak, the pain draining all the energy from her. She knew the time would be soon, the pain hitting her every couple minutes now. From burned flesh, gun wounds, and shattered eardrums, this pain was unlike any she had ever experienced. She reached her arms out and motioned for Peeta to come close.

“I want you to be as close as you can.” With shaky hands, he shimmied himself into the cot, positioning himself behind her. Her comfort level rose substantially as she rested her head on his hot chest.

“How are we feeling, Katniss?” Dr. Hues entered the room with another nurse and she knew it was time.

“I feel awful.”

“To be expected.” Dr. Hues checked her out and looked at them with a giddy smile. “Are you ready to push?” Katniss turned her head to her husband and felt the panic hit her with more force than the child fighting its way from her womb.

“I can’t protect her out here! What if—“

“Katniss.” The way Peeta said her name seemed to ease all of her fears. So gentle and understanding. This man was the only person in this world that could make her feel this way.

“Hold my hand?”

“Always.” She started to push and scream and all the pain was so terrible and all-consuming and she doesn’t imagine she can survive it. She suddenly wants to punch Peeta in the face and yell at him for making her do this and _feel_ this and he will never understand pain like this and dammit she wants to squeeze his hand until it bleeds and—

“Here she is!” The emptiness Katniss feels is so sudden and unusual after months of her baby resting inside her. The room is silent for a moment, so silent that she is frightened that she did it all wrong, but then _it_ happens. A loud almost terrified scream rises throughout the room. Katniss could not recall hearing something so wonderful in her life. She could feel Peeta shaking behind her and she feared an episode was taking him. When she arched her head up, he was crying, a new smile of complete and utter euphoria on his face.

“Do you want to hold your healthy baby girl?” Dr. Hues walked over and placed the blanket-covered baby in her arms. The feeling was instant; the complete and all-consuming _love_ for this small being. She was so warm and full and the weight of her in Katniss’ arms was one she never wanted to forget. Her face was distressed due to her crying, but she could sense her calming down. Katniss moved the blanket to count her fingers and toes; _one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, and two thumbs_. The thick curly black hair on her head made her smile grow, a selfish satisfaction of not having to worry about blonde pigtails, although she doesn’t imagine it would have made her love this little being any less.

“Katniss.” The sound of Peeta’s voice almost seemed foreign to her. There was nothing else that mattered but her daughter now. Everything she thought she knew before this moment was wrong. She felt so protective, bringing the child to her chest. She didn’t want to give her up. This was her baby and no one else’s. But the desire in her husband’s eyes cleared her judgment. The selfishness inside her never truly went away, it seemed, and she was ashamed of it. This wonderful person would not be here if it weren’t for Peeta. This was his baby. _Their_ child. She nodded at him and he placed his arms beneath hers as she slipped the baby to him. She watched as the same overwhelming feeling of adoration that came over her reached him, and she relished in how beautiful he looked with their baby in his arms.

"Hey there, sweet girl. Aren’t you just beautiful.”

* * *

“This baby needs a name, sweetheart.” Haymitch was sitting across from Katniss on the porch, staring down at the baby girl with a wide grin on his face as he rocked her. She was awake, but her eyes were closed and had been since she came into this world. Dr. Hues said this was ok, though. Peeta was observing from the doorway, trying to keep his eyes on the road for when the others returned from the market and would need help carrying in the bags. But he couldn’t keep his eyes off their little girl; neither of them could. They just couldn’t believe she was really here.

“We don’t know what we want to name her yet. We thought she was going to be a boy for the majority of the pregnancy and no names stuck out to us.” Katniss was watching Haymitch carefully, ready to have the child back in her arms the moment he was done. It had only been a day, but Peeta was already in complete awe at how instantly the maternal instinct came to her. How comfortable she was in the role. He always knew, but seeing it in action was another experience.

“The kid can’t walk around town nameless! Ain’t that right, kid?” 

“She won’t be walking for a while, Uncle Haymitch.” She said it to tease him, but he seemed comfortable with it.

“Well, I’ll be damned! Look at that.”

“What?” Katniss was up instantly and hovering above Haymitch.

“Look at those eyes.” Katniss took the baby from her mentor’s arms and looked down at her.

“Oh, Peeta. Look!” She walked over to him and he looked down to see a pair of wide blue eyes staring back at him. Eyes so crisp and blue that he felt like he was looking out at the vast sea of District Four. Suddenly, there was one thing he wanted to call his daughter. There was only one other place that provided him with the beautiful orange painted sky at dusk that he loved. Only one other place besides the beaches of District Four that those bright blue eyes reminded him of.

“Meadow.”

“What?”

“I think we should call her Meadow.” Katniss thought for a moment then smiled as the idea settled.

“Meadow. Our beautiful safe haven. The one place where all the dandelions grow at the peak of spring. Our hope.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all are staying safe and sane. It's tough out here. I hope this can bring you a little joy <3


	6. The First Year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of toast baby joy (with a splash of angst) for you. <3

The first three months were a flurry of exhaustion, frustration and complete joy. Meadow was a handful as all babies are, but she seemed to have inherited Peeta’s calm nature. She was a happy baby, only crying when she absolutely needed the attention. Her toothless smiles filled their world with such stupid happiness that Katniss often would sit staring out the window, trying to comprehend it all. Peeta was bouncing the girl in his arms, the family all settled in upstairs due to the whistling fall wind outside. Katniss was sitting beside them on the bed, a wide smile on her face. Peeta was so concentrated on the loud giggles flowing from his daughter that he almost missed the sniffles coming from his wife.

“Katniss?” He turned to see her face stained with falling tears, but her smile was still there.

“I’m alright. It’s just…I’m not used to this. I don’t think I will ever be adjusted to this.”

“To what?”

“Seeing you with Meadow. Seeing Meadow at all! I don’t know, am I crazy?” He chuckled softly, which caused his daughter to do the same. She was such a smart little thing, so aware of everything going on around her. Peeta was convinced she got that from Katniss because that woman never missed a thing.

“We wanted her for so long and now she is here and it just…it feels like a dream.”

“And she is just so _perfect_. How did we do this? How did she come from us, as screwed up as we are?” They both looked at their child, the question radiating through both of them. That was a valid question, one they were sure would never be answered. Regardless of that, there was no denying how wonderful it was to have her.

* * *

The sound of soft singing floated through the house and Peeta relished in it. Since Meadow was born, Katniss sang every day, when before it was only to draw Peeta back to reality. He loved it when she sang, her beautiful voice adding a level of comfort to the house he never realized was always missing. She sang everywhere; brushing her teeth, skinning her game and of course to Meadow. The girl seemed to love it as much as he did, her toothless smile spreading wider each time a melody left her mother’s lips. Katniss’ singing was an indication of how far they had come. A constant space of joy was their life now.

When Peeta stepped into the house after his day at the bakery, he could hear the singing and giggling of his two girls. He took the steps three at a time, his heart nearly exploding at the sight before him. They were on the floor of the nursery, Katniss hovering above Meadow happily as Meadow lay on her belly wriggling around excitedly. Katniss noticed Peeta instantly and turned her smile to him.

“Hey.” Peeta sat next to his wife and kissed her head.

“What is going on in here?”

“Your daughter has been wild all day. I think she’s trying to turn herself over, but she doesn’t know how.” They watched in contented silence as their daughter continued to kick her arms and legs furiously and rock side to side. 

“She is determined. I give her that.” The baby girl had an intense look of concentration on her face, the same face her mother makes when deep in thought. It was miraculous; the little mannerism and features children could inherit from their parents. Suddenly, Meadow stopped moving. Her face softened, and Peeta feared a tantrum.

“Uh-oh.” He began to reach for her, but Katniss stopped him.

“Just wait. Let her figure it out.” They watched as their daughter changed her movements and began to push herself to one side. Within a few tries she was on her side, looking at them and smiling. 

“Katniss, I think she’s gonna—“

“Sshhh! Don’t distract her! Are you gonna do it, sweet girl? Are you gonna turn over?” Peeta chuckled to himself at seeing Katniss in mommy mode. It still shocked him that she didn’t believe she was a good mother. But it was always her who could calm Meadow when she cried and could get the most giggles from her. Who knew the inner workings of their child’s personality and what could motivate her. It made him jealous. Sometimes.

Meadow cooed and went back to pushing herself. A few more pushes and with a loud grunt she was on her back.

“Oh my god!”

“Meadow! You just turned over! All by yourself!” She smiled a big wet gummy smile and waved her hands in the air. Peeta took her in his arms and kissed her soft head.

“Well look at you, sweet girl. You’re so strong now!”

“Ba ba ba!” She gurgled, obviously proud of herself.

“She’s just like you, ya know.” Katniss looked at him and her smile faded slightly.

“Let’s hope not. I want her to be as Mellark as possible.”

“Well, a Mellark would not have been able to do what she just did. We were all late bloomers. Especially me. You hear that? Your daddy couldn’t do what you just did until he was a good six months. And you are only four months! I bet your mama was running before she could even crawl.”

“Peeta.” She hated it when he talked about her in such an idealistic and romantic way, but from what her mother told him, it was all true.

“Katniss, there is nothing wrong with accepting how wonderful you are. And there is definitely nothing wrong with realizing that all the wonderful things about you were inherited by our daughter.” She blushed slightly and ran her fingers through Meadow’s curls. The young one yawned a fierce yawn, her eyes closing and her head burrowing into her father’s shoulder. The milestone was definitely a large one and it was no surprise that she was exhausted.

“Well, she’s too nice to be completely like me. The way she smiles at everyone when we take her into town? Completely Mellark. And she laughs at _everything_. Just like you. I don’t know…she got all the good parts of us. There isn’t an ounce of bad in her.”

“Well, she did inherit your snoring.” Katniss pinched him and he yelped loudly. Lucky for them Meadow just sighed and raised her hand under her chin. She always liked to sleep with her hand in her face.

“Hey.” Katniss took his free hand and pressed it to her lips. “I love you.” Sixteen years and it still felt like the first time. Since Meadow was born, Katniss began telling him that she loved him everyday. It was never something she said frequently, only when she knew he was having a bad day or when she was feeling more emotional than usual. He never realized how much he needed to hear it everyday until she had begun. How wonderful it was to be constantly reminded you are loved. Meadow has changed Katniss; made her more open and welcoming to her own emotions. She didn’t fight the tears as intensely and tried to relish in her happiness more. When they made love, it was as if they were closer, as if somehow, even after all these years, they were more in tune to one another than ever before. So far, there have been no bad days or nightmares. There have been no episodes.

“I love you, too.” They smiled at each other for a moment, just taking everything in.

“We should probably start dinner before—“

“Are you people trying to starve me?” Katniss sighed as the annoyed voice of Haymitch preceded him up the stairs. Soon, he was standing in the doorway of the nursery, a smug smile on his lips.

“Hi, Uncle Haymitch.”

“It is long past 6:30 and it seems the mere idea of dinner has slipped your minds.”

“We were just about to get started. We got a little distracted. Meadow rolled onto her back all by herself!” The parents beamed with pride while a genuine smile reached the mentor’s eyes.

“Well, I’ll be damned. Bet she wore herself out, aye? I tell ya, I don’t know how that kid came from you dimwits. Girl is shiny as a whistle.”

“Do you want to eat or not?” He raised his hands in a truce and held his arms out excitedly for Peeta to place the sleeping child in his grasps.

“She’s getting heavy. I told you to hold off on the sweets, boy!”

“Yes, sir!”

Peeta started on dinner, Katniss and Haymitch sitting in the living room chatting. Meadow was rolling around in her playpen happily. She woke up the moment she was in Haymithch’s arms.

“Haymitch?”

“Yes, sweetheart?” He was watching Meadow, a dusky look of complete satisfaction at the little girl in his eyes.

“Have you been drinking?” Peeta stopped stirring the stew and turned to look at them. He was hoping he imagined the faint familiar smell of liquor on his mentor. Haymitch didn’t move his gaze.

“Sadly, no. Got rid of the last bit of my stash when I got home from the bakery. Must have spilled some on me.” Katniss sat back and nodded her head in approval.

“You swear it?”

“Swear.” He paused for a moment, watching Meadow again. “She deserves better.” A strange look of understanding came over her face as she nodded again. It was strange; they had spent many years trying to wean Haymitch off the liquor, but their attempts were always useless. The nightmares that plagued him went past his dreams and the night, and no amount of sobriety could make dealing with them any easier. But this child seemed to bring him a new level of peace, a new way to fight the darkness away. She brought them all a new sense of light, a new feeling of forever they never quite had before.

* * *

“Are you sure you don’t need to go in today?” Katniss was slipping into her boots as Peeta washed the remaining dishes from their late breakfast. It was the lazy days like today that he cherished most; Meadow would sleep late after a long restless night, and they could have the morning for themselves.

“Don’t worry. You go. I could use the day at home.” Winter was fast approaching and the opportunities for Katniss to go hunting has been far and in between since Meadow arrived. She deserved a day to her woods before it was too cold and dangerous to go in. Katniss walked into the living room and Peeta followed her. She stood over Meadow’s bassinet, the baby sleeping soundly.

“I haven’t been away from her since she was born.”

“You aren’t going to the Capitol! She will be right at home. With me. Your husband, whom you love more than the stars themselves.”

“Don’t push it, Romeo.” She wrapped her arms around his neck and rested her head in that special place where his collarbone and shoulder met.

“I’ll be home before the sun sets.”

“I know.” She kissed him, their lips grazing so tenderly that it felt as if he had never kissed her before. She kissed her sleeping child’s head, grabbed her bow and game bag and bounced out the door. Peeta watched her from the window until her figure was a small speck in the distance, the joy in her step evident no matter how hard it was for her to leave. 

Peeta savored the silence of the house for a moment, the soft yet powerful snoring of his daughter forcing a chuckle from deep within his chest. This new quiet was something he could get used to. He took the free time to get some cleaning done. Meadow was still pretty immobile, but taking care of her was such a consuming task that it left her parents exhausted at the end of every day. Peeta moved Meadow to her crib, then washed and organized all her toys and clothes. He even managed to fold the clothes in his own bedroom, something that hadn’t been done in months. Having a clean home was something that always calmed him, and he felt a lightness on his spirit that had been missing.

Meadow was still snoring away, something unusual for his little girl. She hadn’t slept very well in the night, waking her parents up multiple times before finally settling on sleep around five in the morning. Peeta and Katniss could never fall back asleep after a night like that. As if sensing his worry, Meadow stirred and slowly opened her eyes.

“Good afternoon, sleepy girl.” Her mouth turned into a pout and her identical eyes began to water with tears. It was as if she realized she had been too quiet all day and had to make up for lost time.

“Oh no, why the tears?” Peeta scooped the little girl up. “Let’s get something to eat.” Meadow whimpered until she saw the bottle her father was preparing for her. She rested expectantly in his arms and eagerly took the bottle into her hands. Six months old and she was mastering everything in her path. Peeta set her in her playpen so he could finish cleaning the kitchen, but the moment she was down the tantrum began.

“Meadow, no more tears now. Finish your bottle.” Katniss was always stern with their daughter, and she seemed to understand. But Peeta was always so soft, the thought of his child crying breaking his heart. He picked her up and tried to feed her but she was having none of it.

“Meadow, you were just hungry!” Her young face was turning bright red as she intensified her tears. “What do you need?” Peeta bounced her up and down, raised her above his head and threw her into the air, but she continued to cry. Nothing he could do would appease her, because he wasn’t her mama.

“Meadow, please!” Suddenly, he felt something in his brain, the feeling of a twig snapping beneath a foot in the forest. It was oddly familiar, and he knew as his hands began to shake that it was happening again after months of being subdued. He put Meadow back in her playpen and grabbed at his hair as the voices began to sneak into his ears. _You can’t be a father. You are hurting her! Mutts can’t protect children._ He screamed his respite from the episodes causing him to forget how to fight them away. He fell to his knees, crying and screaming alongside his daughter. The room was glimmering as the screams of his daughter became those of his mother and family. Of Haymitch. Katniss.

 _“Boy! Peeta! It isn’t real! Get up!”_ It sounded like Haymitch, but how could that be? Haymitch was dead. Peeta killed him just like he killed everyone else.

 _“Come back, Peeta. Follow my voice.”_ The screaming was gone, but the room was still shiny. He could feel the tremors in his body deep within, his lungs and heart shaking.

“Peeta, it’s Katniss.”

“Katniss is dead. Haymitch is dead. I wish I were dead.” His wife’s face was before him now, the shimmer fading away. He wished the tears falling down her face were fabricated, but this was real. She was real. Peeta looked to the kitchen and saw Haymitch bouncing Meadow on his hip, the child sucking on her thumb. The dried tears on her face surely matched his own. She was watching him, fear in her eyes but worry more than anything.

“Talk to me.” Katniss was holding his face, her hands shaking like his own.

“I can’t.” The shame of having an episode in front of his daughter ran through him like the blood that pumped through his body. He had failed.

“Peeta.”

“She was sleeping and then she was crying and just kept crying and crying. She doesn’t feel safe with me. She isn’t safe with me.” Peeta fell into Katniss’ arms and she rocked him. Everything was crumbling around him, the life he had worked so hard to create. The freedom he thought he had earned. Snow had finally taken the one thing he thought was completely his and free from his grasp.

* * *

Meadow was officially unstoppable: She was walking. The first time she pulled herself to stand, she was nine-months. Those wide baby blues took on that familiar look of wonder as she discovered something new, and it didn’t take long for her to try to mimic steps. It was funny, watching Katniss try to prolong Meadow’s crawling. Every time Peeta would hold her by her arms and walk her around the house, Katniss would pinch him and grant him her new signature ‘mom scowl’. The crease in her forehead he had grown to love, now mixed with her lips in a tight line and a slight flare of her nostrils. Meadow was growing up fast and Katniss hated it. It was a balmy early spring afternoon when she took the steps. They were all sitting in the living room, Katniss making some adjustments to her bow, Peeta painting the melting yet still snowy landscape and Meadow babbling away as she practiced her squats (she loved to do squats. Up and down, up and down that baby would go!). Meadow was a talker and only got silent when she was concentrating. So when the room fell quiet, Peeta knew. He turned from his canvas and watched his daughter for a few moments, that familiar look on her young face as she stood there looking down at her feet. He dropped his paint on the ground and ran to the closet for his camera, which startled Katniss.

“Peeta, what?”

“She’s gonna do it!”

“What?”

He was back in the room, panting, both of his girls staring at him.

“Meadow…look!” As he turned the camera on and began recording, they watched as Meadow’s wobbly legs shook and struggling for that first step.

“Meadow! Did you just take a step?” Peeta cooed to which she answered him with a squeal. She took two more steps before falling flat on her butt.

“Oh, Katniss! She’s really walking.” When he turned the camera to Katniss, she was silent, her face slack and emotionless. “Katniss?” She burst into tears and ran out the room and up the stairs.

“Katniss!” Feeling her mother in distress, Meadow burst into tears as well, her chubby arms stretched up. Peeta turned the camera off and took his child in his arms, rocking her gently.

“Now what do you need to fuss about? You just took your first steps!” She intensified her distress. Only Katniss could calm Meadow down in moments like this. Meadow could always feel the pain of those around her, a gift that made her emphatic to a fault. It was painful to see that even so young, their child could sense something was always wrong with her parents. To know their constant pain was hurting their child as well shook them deep to their bones.

He took the stairs two at a time and found Katniss sitting on the floor of the nursery crying.

“Katniss, what is going on?” At the sight of her mama, Meadow cried louder and squirmed in Peeta’s arms. Katniss looked up and stretched her arms out for Meadow, and Peeta placed her in her arms. She pressed Meadow to her chest tightly and continued to cry as Meadow slowly calmed down. All Peeta could do was look on in confusion, this rare moment of disconnect between him and his wife throwing him for a loop. Katniss avoided him for the remainder of the day, not letting Meadow out of her sight. When the sky went dark and he was sure his daughter was down for the night, he found Katniss standing over Meadow’s crib.

“Are you going to tell me what that was earlier?” She pretended to not hear him. “Katniss!”

“Look at her, Peeta.” Her voice was basically a whisper. He stood next to his wife and watched his daughter with a smile; her tiny hand resting at her cheek, her rosy lips parted as she snored softly.

“She’s amazing.”

“I just remember when she was so tiny and now she is so big and strong.”

“Wonderful, isn’t it?”

"She…she’s growing too fast! I thought I would have more time to protect her but…she can _walk_ now. And you know how inquisitive she is, who knows what she could wander into!”

“Whoa, whoa, Katniss, calm down.”

“I can’t keep her safe!” He pulled her to his chest as she started to cry and led them from the nursery. He guided them to their bedroom and sat her on the bed.

“Katniss, Meadow isn’t going to be a baby forever.”

“I know! I knew that but…It feels like we were just holding her for the first time yesterday and now she is almost a year old and walking! Everything is happening so fast. Delly told me that Carter didn’t start walking until he was 14 months!”

“Everyone is different. Must I remind you that your mother told us you were running before you could walk? About the same age Meadow is now.” Katniss sighed and closed her eyes.

“I guess I don’t want my baby to not be my baby anymore. I love holding her in my arms. I love how much she needs us. I guess I am just scared of the day when she doesn’t need us anymore.”

“That day will never come! We are her parents not one of the stuffed bears that she will outgrow. We always need our parents. Always need their guidance. No matter how old we get.” They sat in silence for a moment, the tightness in his chest at the thought of his parents pulling tears to his eyes. Nearly two decades since losing his family and there was a never a day that would pass where he wouldn’t think of them. When he wouldn’t think of how happy his father would be at the sight of his granddaughter. Even his mother would grant that little girl a smile, maybe even feel some pride for her son.

“Peeta, hey. Look at me.” Her voice was distant and he was realizing that his mind was slipping away from him. He had not had another episode since that day he was alone with Meadow a few months ago, but he was always weary. He came close a few times, but Katniss was always there. Always grounding him.

“Can you hear my voice, Peeta?” She was so far yet right in front of him, but he nodded slowly. “Can you stay with me? And show me that video of Meadow walking? Can you do that?” The reminder of how happy he was earlier pulled him back to reality. Katniss could sense it too, and kissed him softly.

“Sorry.” He whispered.

“Never be sorry. If anyone should be sorry, it’s me. I let my fears get in the way, per usual, and shut you out. I guess I just wasn’t expecting all this.”

“We have a brilliant little girl. Just like her mama.”

“Ha, if that’s the case then we better be worried.”

“We’re going to be alright, you know that, right?” She nodded.

“Always.”

* * *

“Look at you, birthday girl!” Meadow was wobbling through the fresh early summer grass of the land that she was named, grabbing every dandelion she could get her hands on. Haymitch came over early this morning and suggested taking her to the meadow to see the dandelions. All the things that allowed them to have her were in this place; all the hope that got them through the darkest days shining brightly alongside her. Katniss and Haymitch were sitting on a blanket chatting while Peeta sat next to the girl, watching her intently. There was brightness in her eyes that he hadn’t seen before, and he could tell that she loved this place. It didn’t seem real that she had been in their lives for a year. A year ago she was a small squishy bundle in his arms, and now she was a brilliant, moving little girl. Sometimes when he would look at her, he would pinch the skin on his arm tightly to make sure she didn’t disappear as the pain came. She never vanished into a shimmery haze and she never would.

Meadow fell on her butt with a thud and looked up at Peeta, her two tiny teeth showing in her wide smile.

“Do you know that it’s your birthday, sweet girl?” She waved her dandelion filled hands in the air frantically and Peeta pulled her into his arms, that sudden need to have her close overtaking him.

“Well, it is! A year ago, you made your mama and papa the happiest people in the world. Do you have any idea how precious you are?” She yawned and snuggled into his chest, her signal that she was ready for a nap. Peeta stood up and walked them over to where Haymitch and Katniss were watching.

“Is our little princess all tuckered out?” Haymitch said with a sure smile

“Seems like it.”

“That is perfect. She’ll sleep right through the market. You know how she gets when there is a bunch of people around. We would be there for hours.” Katniss picked up one of the dandelions and placed it behind her ear. It looked so perfect, the bright yellow laying in the stark contrast of the nighttime of her hair. A reminder of how well they were together.

“Actually, I was thinking I could take her home while you guys went to the market.” Her eyebrows raised and she sat on the edge of her seat.

“Peeta, are you sure? I don’t want you to feel overwhelmed or—“

“I’m sure. You and Haymitch deserve a break and I feel like now is as good a time as any.”

“But are _you_ sure?”

“Katniss, we will be fine.” Her eyes shifted to the sleeping baby on his chest and stayed there for a long moment before she sighed.

“Ok. We won’t be gone long.”

“Take your time. Keep her calm, Haymitch?” The old man waved him off as he placed the folding chairs back in their bags. Katniss stood and kissed Meadow’s head then his lips.

“We’ll be gone for an hour at the most. If she cries when she wakes up, sing to her.”

“I know, mom.”

“Peeta, I just don’t want a repeat—“

“I know, I know.” He kissed her again, longer this time and he could feel her relaxing under his lips.

“I love you. Both of you.” She whispered.

“I love you, too. See you soon.” They walked to the edge of the meadow together, then went their separate ways. Peeta couldn’t shake the nerves that were bubbling within him at the hour ahead of him. He has never been completely alone with Meadow since that last episode and even though Katniss would reassure him every day that Meadow was safe with him, his damaged mind never allowed that message to get through.

But his daughter was a year old today, and he was tired of the sadness in his heart from the distance he created with his daughter. He didn’t want her to see him as some stranger who just lived in the same house as her. He was her father and he loved her more than he has ever loved _anything_ , so much that he was sometimes afraid to touch her. When they returned to the house, Peeta placed Meadow in her playpen, her hands immediately finding their way under her chin. He watched her for a moment, then went to the kitchen to start making some dessert for dinner tonight. Meadow loved raspberries so he planned on making a raspberry crumble. Easy enough for her to get her little hands dirty with. Peeta was just about finished with the crust when he heard a soft whimper from the playpen. He wiped his hands and went to the living room where Meadow was now standing, her eyes at the ready with tears and a pout on her little pink lips.

“Hey, birthday girl. Did you have a good nap?” Peeta picked her up and tickled her side making her erupt in giggles. “Do you want to help me make your special birthday treat?” She stuck her thumb in her mouth which Katniss did not allow, but since it was her birthday he didn’t pull her hand from her mouth.

“Our little secret.” Peeta put Meadow in her high chair and cut up a few raspberries for her to munch on while he finished the filling for the crumble. Everything was perfect; Meadow babbling to him as she grabbed raspberries and placing the squished fruit in her mouth as Peeta baked and listened to her. A moment like this was one he had been longing for over this last year and well…his entire life. Memories of racing his brothers around the kitchen as his father made fresh bread flooded him as the heat from the oven enveloped his face as he placed the crumble inside it. He could hear his mother’s voice yelling at him from down the road as he ran to school. He saw his father sitting in the living room staring out the window as he did often, always searching for something—or someone—to walk into the square. He could feel himself going to the window as if he would be able to touch him…

“Paaaaa.” That soft youthful voice cooed and his attention was back in reality. “Paaaaaapa. Paaaapa. Papa. Papa!” She said it over and over, her finger pointed at him. She paused, waiting for reassurance.

“Me?” The sight of his daughter was blurred for a moment as tears welled in his eyes. “Meadow, did you just say…Did you say your first word?” She clapped her hands furiously. “Papa!” Peeta had her in his arms instantly kissing her all over.

“Yes! I am! I am your papa. And you are my sweet girl.” Her tiny hands held his face and she smiled at him, a smile so familiar and knowing that it was like Katniss was looking back at him. If it weren’t for those crystal blue eyes that reminded him that this little girl was just as much his, he would constantly forget.

“Peeta?” The sound of Katniss’s voice sent Meadow bouncing wildly in his arms.

“In the kitchen!” The worry in her eyes was clear, but it faded quickly when she saw wide smiles on their faces.

“Everything alright in here?”

“What do you think, Meadow? Are we ok?”

“Papa!” Peeta heard the bags hit the floor and Katniss rush over to them.

“Did she just?” He nodded. “Oh my god.” Meadow was looking at Katniss with concern, unsure what her mama was feeling and how she should react. “Sweet girl, I leave for a little over an hour and you start talking your daddy’s ear off?” She kissed her head and smiled a teary smile.

“Thanks for coming back to help!” Haymitch walked in with the rest of the bags weighing him down.

“Sorry, I got a little distracted. Meadow said her first word!”

“Did she?”

“Meadow, where’s daddy?”

“Papa!” She grabbed Peeta’s nose for emphasis.

“Well look at you! Damn, that girl is smart.” Peeta soaked up this moment; here in the home he and Katniss rebuilt with the only family they could ever imagine. It was so strange, the past sixteen years rushing through his mind like a brutal wind, but somehow, they managed to end up here. In this moment celebrating the birthday of the daughter he never thought he would be allowed to have, with the girl he had loved his entire life, with the man who was able to bring them all home. Meadow rested her head on his chest and snuggled closer into him, as if she needed to be closer than she already was. To be in his spirit. His heart, forever.

“I need you too, sweet girl.” Truer words had never left him.


End file.
